Friday, September 26, 2008

These aren't for me...

So it's conference season and I've been away quite a bit. Sorry for my inconsistent posting...So how have I been doing separated from the accountability of the blogosphere? Not so hot. I actually gained a pound this week and I still need to high tail it over to Chubby Chic's to post my sad news on the Christmas Challenge page. Can't say I'm surprised given the travel, but I know that a lot of people manage to make healthy choices on the road, so no excuses!

That's not to say that I pushed my goals completely out of my mind. As a matter of fact, when I know I'm not doing what I should do, my goals are even more present in my mind than usual, constantly beating just below the surface like Poe's tell-tale heart.

That was my frame of mind when I walked into the grocery store with the express purpose of buying cookies. I'd promised to bring oatmeal cookies to a bake sale and the ones I had baked had become little ebony disks in our cheap oven. (You'd think that the thing I'd miss the most about living with my parents would be my parents, but it's actually thoughts of my mother's cookware that cause me to get all sentimental and misty eyed from time to time).

I was on my lunch and in a hurry because the first store I went to didn't have any cookies in their bakery section, so I rushed past cases of soda and displays filled with Halloween Candy and went directly to the cookies with the urgency of someone on one of those televised shopping sprees. I scooped up about five boxes in a variety of flavors and hurried to the check out.

Standing there, feeling the judgemental gazes of my fellow patrons, I began to feel self conscious about my purchases. Maybe I should have bought some apples or some broccoli to demonstrate that I had well-rounded tastes. Maybe I should have grabbed some novelty birthday hats so I could pretend that I was bringing the cookies to a party. I felt so cliche: The fat girl buying 8 dozen cookies. I was certain the woman next to me looked at her husband as if to say, "Well, no wonder why she's fat!"

I considered actually striking up a conversation with someone in line and telling them loudly about the bake sale and explaining that I'd lost 50 pounds. "Wow," they'd say, "Fifty pounds you say? That's something else. Hey Alice, this girls lost fifty pounds. We were wrong to think she's going to go sit in a closet and eat all those cookies!" Then I could nod and say, "these aren't for me."

Then I realized, I was sandwiched between a man who was literally purchasing 35 boxes of spaghetti and 12 cans of Spam and a woman who kept harassing her husband about how much she had to use the rest room, but who refused to use the bathroom 12 feet away.

"I have to piss, George. I'm going to call the manager if this kid doesn't hurry up!" she kept saying.

Why do I care what they or anyone else thinks? What does their judgement do to me? And why do I automatically assume that I'm even on their radar? Just because I'm a people watcher doesn't me everyone else is. It should be enough that I know what I've accomplished and that my body is healthier as a result. Maybe if I spent half as much time planning out my healthy choices as I do rehearsing imaginary conversations, I'd have lost weight this week!


elife said...

LOL - I can so relate to this. I always feel like I'll get a "pass" for being overweight if people know that I've lost a chunk!

Leslie said...

Oh... I have SO done that! And I mean literally and usually to the cashier. Sadly, however, it has usually been when I WAS buying the crap for ME, and felt I had to mention oh so breezily that I was on my way to a party. Uh huh... like she could have cared less.. the only person I was trying to fool was myself!!

There should be a rule that you have to announce what and why you're buying ...that if you're going to go on a bingefest and buy a bunch of junk for yourself, that you have to get on the loudspeaker at the grocery store and announce it to the whole world.

"Hi - my name is Leslie and I'm about to purchase $30 worth of crap which I will promptly take home and stuff my face with while my husband is out, gain 2 pounds and hate myself more. Thank you for listening and have a nice day"


Karyn said...

LOL... It's funny, isn't it, that just because we are so self conscious of our weight everyone else is as well? Guaranteed the woman behind you who was fussing about using the bathroom didn't even notice you!

A one pound gain while travelling and at conferences is nothing to be ashamed about! When you are not in control, compromises are neccessary. But we should be learning to live, not just lose weight. I think that one pound is good news!

Lyn said...

Ha!! I have been there too. Sometimes I put my stuff up on the belt to purchase and it looks so unhealthy and I wonder what everyone is thinking. I am sure they don't even care!

new*me said...

Ha ha!!! I feel this way too! And, I feel inspired when I see someone put mostly healthy stuff up there ;)......I'm like yay for you ;)

Karyn said...

hey! Missing you here in blogger land.

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