Taking Out John Shooter

Have you ever seen Hide and Seek or The Secret Window? (Spoiler Alert if you haven't!) In both movies, the protagonist is plagued by menacing, murderous characters who spend the lion share of the movie wreaking havoc; in both movies the protagonist discovers that he has multiple personalities and has been committing murders and creating general mayhem all by himself. In other words, the protagonist is his own worst enemy.

Sound cliche to you? Well it is for a reason. While we often think we have the best intentions for ourselves, many of us are constantly committing little acts of self sabotage and looking for John Shooter to saddle with the blame. This, I believe, is my most frequently and consequentially committed offense. Whatever the root cause of my difficulty--fear of success, failure or change--I have a tendency to stand tall in my own way and then paste an acceptable label failure. I have learned to weave such a tapestry of excuses that I am frequently left feeling blameless or even victimized.

I couldn't lose weight this week because of work or the holidays or bad weather or oral surgery or an alien invasion. The truth? I didn't lose weight because of my choices. While all of those other things may have made it more difficult to make good choices, they did not make it impossible so they can't be blamed for my setbacks. The solution for me, the way out of this mess I've made of my body, must lie in reframing my world and changing my thinking. It seems to me that I have always been the sort of person who viewed all hurdles big and small as insurmountable obstacles in my path. Within seconds of learning about a bump in the road, I've brainstormed an inclusive list of all its potential repercussions and have determined that it is impossible to proceed.

I noticed this most recently with regards to my educational goals. I am unbelievably fortunate enough to work for an employer which pays for every penny of my graduate school tuition up to six credits a semester. I've taken advantage of that and have been working to earn an MS in rehabilitation counseling for the past three years. I've worked hard and sacrificed a lot of time in my evenings to make this happen. However, I've now reached the point in my program at which, starting next week, I have to begin meeting with actual living, breathing clients and putting what I've learned to use.

While this should be an incredible moment for me, I've been absolutely petrified. I've been acting like a caged animal and have actually very seriously considered quitting graduate school or taking a semester off. I'm so painfully aware of my own shortcomings that I'm terrified that I won't be able to help people or rather that I will do some serious harm. I've been absolutely paralyzed with fear, certain that after all this time and energy, I'll discover that I don't like counseling or worst of all that I'm not capable of doing it.

However, cooped up in the house yesterday because of an ice storm, I had a lot of time to think. My first instinct was to dive into the fridge to divert my attention from my problem, but I new that would only make me feel worse. I tried to set aside my fears and consider the situation logically. After a lot of reflection, I realized the following:

1. Even if I'm not the best at counseling, I know I'll improve with a semester of supervision;
2. With a genuine interest in helping people it's unlikely that I'll be as bad as I expect;
3. Even discovering that I am incapable of being a competent counselor would be valuable because I would have an opportunity to rethink the direction of my life;
4. If I run from this now, it will just become harder to face frightening situations in the future.

I know this is exceptionally long winded, and you're probably thinking, "this is a weight loss blog; what the hell does this have to do with weight loss?" so I'll get to the point. Deconstructing my problem and looking at it logically has had an incredible calming effect and has stopped me from making a huge mistake--quitting so I won't have a chance to fail. Instead, I'm now viewing something that had so completely terrified me as a challenge that, regardless of the outcome, will make me a better woman than I am today.

I know the value of this. Being able to alter the way you think and, in doing so, alter the way you feel can give you the power to change your life. Therefore, I'm resolving to shine a light on all the dark corners of my soul and to dismantle my excuses for not losing weight and living the life I want to live!

Fake it Till You Make It

Sometimes when I read a success story or a weight loss blog or talk to a person who's dropped six dress sizes I'm so driven to lose weight that I feel like I have super powers. Who's that on the treadmill? Is it superwoman? Is it an Olympic athlete? No, it's just me. Able to resist cake no matter how many times it's offered. Able to get off the couch even when there's something great on TV. Able to cook a nutritious dinner instead of ordering pizza.

I don't have many days like that and so I shouldn't be surprised that yesterday was definitely not a super hero day. It's been cold enough here to freeze the...well, you get it--it's been cold! I didn't even want to get out of bed. I didn't want to eat my egg whites and turkey sausage for breakfast; I wanted a donut or two (or eighteen). Once I got to work, part of me was convinced that the chocolate cake across the hall would help me make it through the day. I thought, "if I have just a small piece, I'll be motivated to continue my diet." I wasn't able to work out on lunch like I usually do and when I got home I thought about just taking the day off from exercise. In fact, I was pretty married to the idea. I had planned to bake flounder, but I had this great coupon for pizza that was set to expire. It's like I was meant to have pizza last night.

All day long, I kept reminding myself how much I wanted this. I kept visualizing the moment I'll step on the scale and see 199 flashing up as if blowing kisses. I tried to engage in positive self talk, but I just couldn't make my heart listen to what my mind has known forever. I kept thinking things like, "but I've failed so many times before. Why should I think this time will be different? I'm going to be losing and gaining the same five pounds forever. This is so out of my control." In a nut shell, I was incredibly and apparently irreversibly unmotivated.

But while this kind of negative vibe would normally send me diving in front of the TV with a tub of ice cream, a voice in my head kept saying, "while you may not remember it right now, you want and need to succeed at this more than anything else in the world." So I quit complaining and ate my eggs and ignored the chocolate cake. I baked the fish and rode my exercise bike. I did it sans motivation and I hated every single second of it.

Do you know what I discovered when I woke up this morning? The world continued to turn without cake and pizza and hours on the couch and it seemed like a decidedly brighter place. I discovered that by winning the moment yesterday, I generated my very own motivation for today. I did. Me. I created that spark for which I usually look to other people. I have to say that it feels pretty damn good.

Here's to a day of continued strength! Here' to being your own super hero!