Taking Out John Shooter

Have you ever seen Hide and Seek or The Secret Window? (Spoiler Alert if you haven't!) In both movies, the protagonist is plagued by menacing, murderous characters who spend the lion share of the movie wreaking havoc; in both movies the protagonist discovers that he has multiple personalities and has been committing murders and creating general mayhem all by himself. In other words, the protagonist is his own worst enemy.

Sound cliche to you? Well it is for a reason. While we often think we have the best intentions for ourselves, many of us are constantly committing little acts of self sabotage and looking for John Shooter to saddle with the blame. This, I believe, is my most frequently and consequentially committed offense. Whatever the root cause of my difficulty--fear of success, failure or change--I have a tendency to stand tall in my own way and then paste an acceptable label failure. I have learned to weave such a tapestry of excuses that I am frequently left feeling blameless or even victimized.

I couldn't lose weight this week because of work or the holidays or bad weather or oral surgery or an alien invasion. The truth? I didn't lose weight because of my choices. While all of those other things may have made it more difficult to make good choices, they did not make it impossible so they can't be blamed for my setbacks. The solution for me, the way out of this mess I've made of my body, must lie in reframing my world and changing my thinking. It seems to me that I have always been the sort of person who viewed all hurdles big and small as insurmountable obstacles in my path. Within seconds of learning about a bump in the road, I've brainstormed an inclusive list of all its potential repercussions and have determined that it is impossible to proceed.

I noticed this most recently with regards to my educational goals. I am unbelievably fortunate enough to work for an employer which pays for every penny of my graduate school tuition up to six credits a semester. I've taken advantage of that and have been working to earn an MS in rehabilitation counseling for the past three years. I've worked hard and sacrificed a lot of time in my evenings to make this happen. However, I've now reached the point in my program at which, starting next week, I have to begin meeting with actual living, breathing clients and putting what I've learned to use.

While this should be an incredible moment for me, I've been absolutely petrified. I've been acting like a caged animal and have actually very seriously considered quitting graduate school or taking a semester off. I'm so painfully aware of my own shortcomings that I'm terrified that I won't be able to help people or rather that I will do some serious harm. I've been absolutely paralyzed with fear, certain that after all this time and energy, I'll discover that I don't like counseling or worst of all that I'm not capable of doing it.

However, cooped up in the house yesterday because of an ice storm, I had a lot of time to think. My first instinct was to dive into the fridge to divert my attention from my problem, but I new that would only make me feel worse. I tried to set aside my fears and consider the situation logically. After a lot of reflection, I realized the following:

1. Even if I'm not the best at counseling, I know I'll improve with a semester of supervision;
2. With a genuine interest in helping people it's unlikely that I'll be as bad as I expect;
3. Even discovering that I am incapable of being a competent counselor would be valuable because I would have an opportunity to rethink the direction of my life;
4. If I run from this now, it will just become harder to face frightening situations in the future.

I know this is exceptionally long winded, and you're probably thinking, "this is a weight loss blog; what the hell does this have to do with weight loss?" so I'll get to the point. Deconstructing my problem and looking at it logically has had an incredible calming effect and has stopped me from making a huge mistake--quitting so I won't have a chance to fail. Instead, I'm now viewing something that had so completely terrified me as a challenge that, regardless of the outcome, will make me a better woman than I am today.

I know the value of this. Being able to alter the way you think and, in doing so, alter the way you feel can give you the power to change your life. Therefore, I'm resolving to shine a light on all the dark corners of my soul and to dismantle my excuses for not losing weight and living the life I want to live!

Fake it Till You Make It

Sometimes when I read a success story or a weight loss blog or talk to a person who's dropped six dress sizes I'm so driven to lose weight that I feel like I have super powers. Who's that on the treadmill? Is it superwoman? Is it an Olympic athlete? No, it's just me. Able to resist cake no matter how many times it's offered. Able to get off the couch even when there's something great on TV. Able to cook a nutritious dinner instead of ordering pizza.

I don't have many days like that and so I shouldn't be surprised that yesterday was definitely not a super hero day. It's been cold enough here to freeze the...well, you get it--it's been cold! I didn't even want to get out of bed. I didn't want to eat my egg whites and turkey sausage for breakfast; I wanted a donut or two (or eighteen). Once I got to work, part of me was convinced that the chocolate cake across the hall would help me make it through the day. I thought, "if I have just a small piece, I'll be motivated to continue my diet." I wasn't able to work out on lunch like I usually do and when I got home I thought about just taking the day off from exercise. In fact, I was pretty married to the idea. I had planned to bake flounder, but I had this great coupon for pizza that was set to expire. It's like I was meant to have pizza last night.

All day long, I kept reminding myself how much I wanted this. I kept visualizing the moment I'll step on the scale and see 199 flashing up as if blowing kisses. I tried to engage in positive self talk, but I just couldn't make my heart listen to what my mind has known forever. I kept thinking things like, "but I've failed so many times before. Why should I think this time will be different? I'm going to be losing and gaining the same five pounds forever. This is so out of my control." In a nut shell, I was incredibly and apparently irreversibly unmotivated.

But while this kind of negative vibe would normally send me diving in front of the TV with a tub of ice cream, a voice in my head kept saying, "while you may not remember it right now, you want and need to succeed at this more than anything else in the world." So I quit complaining and ate my eggs and ignored the chocolate cake. I baked the fish and rode my exercise bike. I did it sans motivation and I hated every single second of it.

Do you know what I discovered when I woke up this morning? The world continued to turn without cake and pizza and hours on the couch and it seemed like a decidedly brighter place. I discovered that by winning the moment yesterday, I generated my very own motivation for today. I did. Me. I created that spark for which I usually look to other people. I have to say that it feels pretty damn good.

Here's to a day of continued strength! Here' to being your own super hero!

The Change We Need

There are a lot of cynical people who assert that people just cannot change. Undoubtedly, people who make that claim are basing it on real experience. Maybe they've seen an uncle lose his fight with alcohol or drug addiction; maybe they've suffered through an abusive relationship, read the research that says that obese people can't keep the weight off or worst of all, they've endeavored to change themselves, stumbled and lost faith in their own personal ability to alter the course of their lives.

No matter how valid their experience, the trouble is that it's limited. It fails to take into account the resiliency of the spirit and the capacity of the individual to persevere. The truth is that sometimes people do change. They change for the better and they change for good. Their very existence is proof that change is possible. It's often painful and is almost always difficult. Usually, it's incredibly messy, but it's possible.

The truth is that millions of people are agents of positive change in their own lives and the lives of others every single day. Sometimes, change is hard for outside observers to appreciate, but every once in a while their is a transition so dramatic that it is impossible not to recognize it's existence and impact.

Whether you are a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian or Independent, it impossible deny the tremendous change in our nation. President Elect Obama as well as the pundits and historians will and have characterized this shift much more eloquently than I can hope to. Nevertheless, I feel compelled to reflect on the enormity of the election, what it symbolizes and how it informs my understanding of human nature. It seems impossible that we need only to reach back a few generations to touch the dark reality of slavery. That segregation and racism, lynching, oppression and impossible hate exist in our living memory is unthinkable when viewed through the lens of our current world.

A number of people contended that the change that was necessary to elect an African American president was not possible at this time. They worried about the Bradley Effect, explaining that it was possible that polls were deceptive because deep down, Americans couldn't pull the lever for a black man. I confess that I shared some of that cynicism. I have known too many people who have exerted an incredible amount of energy arguing for their belief in supremacy of whites to be certain that reason was more powerful than hate.

I would never limit the complexity of the election to the race issue. In the end, most Obama supporters were focused on economic issues, a fact which underscores the enormity of the shift in American views. Until very recently, Obama's race might have dominated his candidacy. Today, we can recognize that we have witnessed a momentous historical event, but that's not all that matters to us.

This morning, I woke up thinking about possibility and promise. I woke up believing in the ability of everyone, myself included, to change. It was and continues to be an incredible struggle, but we have made the conscious choice to change together as a nation. We have challenged established prejudices and redefined the nature of reality.

Isn't that what we are all striving for on a personal level? At 278 pounds, I couldn't imagine what life would be like at 228. All I could know was what I was living. That made success seem impossible. Today, I can't visualize life 50 pounds from now, so I must struggle to believe that it's possible. I'm must confront my own cynicism daily and believe in my own capacity for change.

I certainly hope no one feels I am trivializing Obama's victory by discussing it's implications for me on a very personal scale. I think sometimes seeing is believing. That's why we read other people's success stories and click on their progress pics. We need to see that someone has done it to believe that we can. My difficulty is that I sometimes have difficulty believing that the kind of change I need to make is possible. This victory, this obvious shift in the nation, is a powerful symbol that demonstrates that all change, even the most unlikely and glorious is possible.

Motivation Matters

Understanding why one wants to change a behavior is an incredibly important ingredient for success. It's wonderful to have a goal, but personally, if I don't have a clear idea of why I want to make a change, I'm doomed. It's easy to give way to temptation when my friends are eating brownie sundaes or to forgo exercise on a frigid February day if I'm not 100% clear on my motivation.

With regards to weight loss, this is by no means my first time around the block. I've tried and "failed" dozens of times. I always thought it was a matter of me finding the right program or food or reading the right inspirational story. But the thing that was common in all of my previous attempts was a lack of the true motivation.

There are lots of reasons to try to lose weight, and many of them are very good reasons. My grandmother wants me to "get skinny" so I can meet someone. For a while, I tried to use that as my carrot on a stick, but that didn't work so well for me. The truth is, I knew I would never want to be with someone who couldn't see the beauty in me at a size 28. Maybe that's unrealistic, but it's the way I feel. Once I realized that, I adopted a "who cares!" attitude and abandoned my weight loss efforts.

A friend told me that I should lose weight to "show" all the people who made fun of me when I was at my heaviest. Success is the best revenge. That worked for a while. I imagined the stunned look on people's faces when I walked into my high school reunion a svelte size 6 or when I sashayed past that guy who rejected me three years ago. Yeah! That'll teach 'em! The problem with that is that while I'm a passionate woman, I could never drum up a rage that could rival my love for Ben and Jerry. Uh-huh. That says it all.

I tried on other motivations. Up-coming weddings, holidays, vacations and milestones. I bought beautiful outfits 2 sizes too small and promised myself fabulous rewards. Punishments for not changing had little influence on me. My knees and ankles ache when I walk, but I didn't care. Instead, I convinced myself that everyone's knees and ankles ache. The truth is that I just couldn't imagine anything that would change my mind--that is until the day I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes.

Both of my parents have Type II diabetes. While my father was just recently diagnosed, my mother had known she was diabetic for the past eight years. She felt helpless, and despite my family's prompting, did nothing. She refused to attend diabetic education classes and she made no lasting attempt to modify her diet. She lost weight, but because she never exercised and consumed a diet which was about 85-90% carbohydrate, she was unable to control her blood sugar. She stopped monitoring it. For the last two years, she has been experiencing some serious complications. She has mobility problems and is partially incontinent. I don't feel like it's her fault; she just couldn't find her motivation.

For years my sister and I begged and cried and rang our hands but made no changes to our own lifestyles. However, learning I was pre-diabetic was like a punch in the gut. I was terrified and acted accordingly. I cut about three quarters of the carbohydrates out of my diet, went to a dietitian and began focusing on getting my 10,000 steps a day.

My diagnosis was a blessing. It was the motivation I needed to make healthy changes. I haven't been entirely disciplined. Between March and November of 2007, I was able to lose 35 pounds. It was slow, but I was patient.

I've been losing and gaining the same five pounds since the holidays began. I haven't made any headway, but my motivation remains and for that I'm truly grateful. I have also found new motivation along the way. The recognition of others, being able to buy a smaller size and walk for an extended period are wonderful incentives.

Every individual is motivated by something different. There's no wrong if it motivates you to do something positive. So what's your motivation?