Weigh in

I'm late! I'm late! I know I usually check in on Mondays, but I'm running late this week. At least I have some good news to report! The scale said 237.5 which means I'm down 1 pound.

I have to confide that am having some difficulty lately, though. You could probably guess by watching me lose and gain the same 5 pounds for the last few months. It's hard for me to name my difficulty. This whole thing should just be so simple. Don't eat too much, don't gain weight. I know what I'm supposed to do and I start of doing it, but then there's some part of me that convinces myself to make bad choices. It's like I bump my head and get temporary amnesia. Sometimes when I'm staring at a plate of cookies, I don't even have an internal struggle going on. I don't think, "these are the pros and cons of scarfing that cookie." Instead I think, "Lalalalalal....oooh look a cookie. I've been good today" even if I haven't, or "those are only like 1 point, I can eat 6."

I don't even know how to begin to combat this. I've often wished I could hire someone to follow me around and give me a jolt of electricity or a slap or something just so I'll THINK before I make a bad decision. Because that's the problem, I don't even think, I just inhale. But I know that I need to learn to make good choices on my own and even in the face of serious temptation.

This weekend I struggled with that problem (despite my reasonably good news on the scale) and if I tried to estimate how much I'd eaten, I probably wouldn't even come close. I don't know how to explain it. It's like I go temporarily insane and start munching. I can chock some of it up to mindlessness which could be avoided if I hadn't had a bowl of candy on the coffee table (I know, DUH!). I also think some of it was slipping into old comfortable habits because I was upset about/with my parents.

The good news is that these bouts of insanity don't last nearly as long as they used to. Before I began this process, they would last days, weeks or months. I was surrounded by people who were doing the same thing so it seemed OK. I need to get past this so that I can move on. If I eat chocolate cake, I want it to be because I thought it over and decided it was worth it, not because I didn't think at all.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Any suggestions of what I can do? I'm so tired of constantly being on a diet but never achieving my goals and I would really love some advice.

Weekly Weigh In: Blah

I wasn't surprised in the least when I hopped on the scale to see that I hadn't lost a blessed pound all week. Most people would enjoy a boost to their progress if they were unable to consume solid food, but I think it's obvious that I'm not most people.

The trouble is that since Wednesday, I've been either asleep on the couch or asleep in bed and I've essentially eaten whatever people brought to me without question. Apparently, Vicodin and I don't mix (I don't know how you do it, Dr. House...) and I'm glad to be back in my routine and able to trade the hard stuff for plain ibuprofen.

I'm still not quite on solid foods. I really appreciate the suggestions people have left in the comments and am glad to have options that don't include ice cream and tomato soup. Thanks for sharing your ideas and lending support.

In the past, this would be a dangerous time for me. It takes so little to break down the healthy habits that I've established. Another time, I would probably think, "what's one more day" and put off my return to healthy eating indefinitely. As it is, sugar seems to scramble my brain cells and erase my memory. It makes it easy for me to forget how great I feel when I'm doing what's right for me. Keeping this blog won't let me forget and reading your blogs and comments won't either.

If I am to succeed, I need to be able to remember that when I slip up, I don't start over tomorrow, I start over right now. In fact, I don't need to restart. That suggests that I stopped in the first place. I just need to continue and to shake off a hiccup in an otherwise successful process. So back on track and hoping for a loss this week!

Happy New Year

Awww! I love that new year smell. Shiny and new. Full of possibilities. Awesome!


I had a wonderful holiday but I unfortunately packed on a ton of holiday fluff. I jumped on the scale on New Years Day and discovered that I had gained a whopping 9.5 pounds. My first reaction was denial. I got off the scale and got back on. The smug little read out still said 240.0 lbs. I got off again and moved the scale. 240.0 lbs. I got off and took off my earrings and glasses. 240.0lbs.

Next, I entered the rage stage. First I became furious with my scale. Seriously, this is the first time it ever produced consistent data. Usually, a sneeze will change it by a half a pound, but in the fresh light of the New Year, my scale must have resolved to be more honest with me. I thought I could threaten it or intimidate it with curses, but it blinked those same numbers up at me without hesitation. Realizing that it was ridiculous to scream at a plastic box filled with batteries and microchips, I became enraged with my body. "9.5 pounds in like 2.5 weeks?!!! Are you shitting me?! How long would it take you to lose that much weight? AGES. The answer is AGES. But you're all to accommodating when a couple of cookies want to take up residence on my hips!! Stupid body!"

But I wasn't nearly as angry with my body and scale as I was with my family for wanting me to bake all those cookies or those bloody evil elves for bringing me good things to eat. I wanted to swing those little bastards by their tiny pointed shoes. But the truth is, I realized I can't blame other people for my actions. I think I would feel put out if the people in my life treated me different around the holidays just because I'm trying to lose weight. And what about those elves? They were just being nice. When I got the box of chocolates, it didn't say eat immediately upon opening or this box with self destruct. Instead, it provided me with nutrition information advising me of an appropriate serving size. I was the one who chose to shovel all the holiday treats in my mouth. I made the bad choices.

Then, I have to say that I felt like absolute crap. I trudged around in sweats thinking the whole world was going to point at my expanding ass. I also felt like a failure. Being 240 pounds means that I only lost a total of 6 pounds all year in 2008. I feel like I talk constantly about losing weight. I set goals and talk about the work I need to do to reach them, but then I just don't do it. I felt like a wind bag and a hypocrite.

I have reached the acceptance stage. I do talk about my weight loss goals a lot, but I never said I was perfect or even close to it. In fact, I would imagine that anyone who reads my blog expects me to skin my knees a lot on this journey. What is so beautiful about the weight loss blogging community is that while so many of you have enjoyed wonderful success, I have never once felt judged for my imperfections. Instead, I feel supported in a way that I never felt possible. Thank you to everyone who checked in to see if I fell off the face of the earth. You are all so wonderful and inspiring and it's a bright spot in my life to know that you care!

So, I'm back. I feel clear headed and actually sick of cookies for the first time in my entire life. I also feel more sure of myself and more motivated than I ever have. Sometimes, I need a fresh start. I'm looking forward to seeing what 2009 will bring.

My goal for this year is modest. I want to lose 52 pounds. 1 pound per week. I will weigh in every Sunday morning and post my results on Monday. I have no doubt that I can do it. Good luck in the New Year!