Taking Out John Shooter

Have you ever seen Hide and Seek or The Secret Window? (Spoiler Alert if you haven't!) In both movies, the protagonist is plagued by menacing, murderous characters who spend the lion share of the movie wreaking havoc; in both movies the protagonist discovers that he has multiple personalities and has been committing murders and creating general mayhem all by himself. In other words, the protagonist is his own worst enemy.

Sound cliche to you? Well it is for a reason. While we often think we have the best intentions for ourselves, many of us are constantly committing little acts of self sabotage and looking for John Shooter to saddle with the blame. This, I believe, is my most frequently and consequentially committed offense. Whatever the root cause of my difficulty--fear of success, failure or change--I have a tendency to stand tall in my own way and then paste an acceptable label failure. I have learned to weave such a tapestry of excuses that I am frequently left feeling blameless or even victimized.

I couldn't lose weight this week because of work or the holidays or bad weather or oral surgery or an alien invasion. The truth? I didn't lose weight because of my choices. While all of those other things may have made it more difficult to make good choices, they did not make it impossible so they can't be blamed for my setbacks. The solution for me, the way out of this mess I've made of my body, must lie in reframing my world and changing my thinking. It seems to me that I have always been the sort of person who viewed all hurdles big and small as insurmountable obstacles in my path. Within seconds of learning about a bump in the road, I've brainstormed an inclusive list of all its potential repercussions and have determined that it is impossible to proceed.

I noticed this most recently with regards to my educational goals. I am unbelievably fortunate enough to work for an employer which pays for every penny of my graduate school tuition up to six credits a semester. I've taken advantage of that and have been working to earn an MS in rehabilitation counseling for the past three years. I've worked hard and sacrificed a lot of time in my evenings to make this happen. However, I've now reached the point in my program at which, starting next week, I have to begin meeting with actual living, breathing clients and putting what I've learned to use.

While this should be an incredible moment for me, I've been absolutely petrified. I've been acting like a caged animal and have actually very seriously considered quitting graduate school or taking a semester off. I'm so painfully aware of my own shortcomings that I'm terrified that I won't be able to help people or rather that I will do some serious harm. I've been absolutely paralyzed with fear, certain that after all this time and energy, I'll discover that I don't like counseling or worst of all that I'm not capable of doing it.

However, cooped up in the house yesterday because of an ice storm, I had a lot of time to think. My first instinct was to dive into the fridge to divert my attention from my problem, but I new that would only make me feel worse. I tried to set aside my fears and consider the situation logically. After a lot of reflection, I realized the following:

1. Even if I'm not the best at counseling, I know I'll improve with a semester of supervision;
2. With a genuine interest in helping people it's unlikely that I'll be as bad as I expect;
3. Even discovering that I am incapable of being a competent counselor would be valuable because I would have an opportunity to rethink the direction of my life;
4. If I run from this now, it will just become harder to face frightening situations in the future.

I know this is exceptionally long winded, and you're probably thinking, "this is a weight loss blog; what the hell does this have to do with weight loss?" so I'll get to the point. Deconstructing my problem and looking at it logically has had an incredible calming effect and has stopped me from making a huge mistake--quitting so I won't have a chance to fail. Instead, I'm now viewing something that had so completely terrified me as a challenge that, regardless of the outcome, will make me a better woman than I am today.

I know the value of this. Being able to alter the way you think and, in doing so, alter the way you feel can give you the power to change your life. Therefore, I'm resolving to shine a light on all the dark corners of my soul and to dismantle my excuses for not losing weight and living the life I want to live!

Weekly Weigh In: Down 1 pound

This week, I'm at 239 pounds. Down 1 pound. It's an inauspicious start to my New Year, but it's squarely in line with my goals so I have no room to complain.

I spent a lot of time staying with my parents in the last two weeks. It was wonderful to have so much time together, but it also really made me grateful for my own space and my independent life. I found it very hard to stay focused on my nutrition and fitness goals in their house. These are the people I grew up with, the ones who helped me forge the habits I'm trying to change today, the ones that routinely eat cake and ice cream for dinner. Fruit and vegetables are never worked into the meal and all activities are sedentary. It was very difficult to resist all the temptations and to work in activity.

I found that I needed to make a huge effort to be more conscious of what I was eating. It's hard enough when the person/people that you live with isn't/aren't on the same page; it's even worse when they aren't even in the same book. To further complicate things, I celebrated my birthday last week. I'd asked my sister to only purchase enough cake to feed our small gathering, but she bought a half a sheet cake covered in mounds of dairy whip icing. I don't think she was deliberately trying to sabotage me, but it made life harder having one of my favorite indulgences around for days.

To make matters worse, I was unable to use the Internet most of the time so I was cut off from my only source of support. It was hard not being able to check in on my favorite bloggers.

With all that going on, I'm thrilled to be down 1 pound and on my way to fulfilling my goals. Thanks to all who stopped by and shared words of encouragement and support.

P.S. Laura, you talked about hating the scale; i'll be discussing an alternative tomorrow.