There's Never a Good time

In 2007 I lost about thirty pounds. It's the same thirty pounds that I've kept off through holidays, and tough semesters and Ben and Jerry's pittyfests. I lost it when I was really scared for my health and had three miraculous, stress free months during which to focus myself.

But then in the fall of that year, a long brewing problem with my parents blew up. Things got bad and I needed to find a new place to live in a hurry. It's not that it wasn't about time I was out on my own, but it was the way it happened and the terrible hurt it created that set me back. I gave myself permission to stop trying "for now" and went back to the chocolate chip self medicating.

Then Christmas of that year came and I was stressed out about the rift in my family that continued throughout the holidays. I just couldn't diet then! Then in January, my cat died and I was devastated. How could I say no to pizza? Then I had a tough semester. Then I went on a conference. Then I took a summer class. Then I was robbed. Then more conferences, holidays, heartaches; then more challenges with grad school and work. Then I had a car accident. Then I bought a new car. Then someone hit my new car.

The point of my list of major stressors is not that I want sympathy. In fact, if this was a contest, I bet that each of you could come up with a list that would put mine to shame. Actually, my point is that easing my expectations of myself seemed to make sense each time. It seemed like a smart idea to wait for a "good time". Why complicate life? What I didn't realize until recently is that there will never be a good time. That's life. There will always be some drama and heartache and if I only use the times in between to work toward my goals, I'll never reach them.

That's why, even though I'm in class five hours a day after work this month, I recommitted myself to my weight loss efforts on June 1st. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. I wanted to tell all of those people who checked in on me while I was waiting for the "right time" these past three or four months that I was back, that I missed them too and I was ready to do it this time, but I thought it might sound hollow after all of my past false starts. I needed the words to be 100% true and I needed to have some success under my belt.

So I'm back and am officially on my 17th day of badass discipline. I'm tracking every last bite and sip on SparkPeople and I'm making exercise a priority. I'm staying within a calorie range of 1600-1950 which is allowing me to lose weight at a modest pace without turning into a chocolate craving beast.

How am I doing? I started the month hanging my head at 243 lbs. I had gained some wait while I was waiting for life to be perfect. I weigh in on Mondays, and this Monday I was at 235.0 lbs. This time around, I am focusing on nutrition: getting a balance of fiber, protein, carbs and fat. I'm eating enough fruits and vegetables and drinking enough water. And you know what? I feel amazing. I have so much energy. Normally, I would be dragging myself through class, but I feel energized and purposeful. So really, by rededicating myself, I've turned this into the "right time" for positive change.

So don't wait! Come with me if you haven't started yet. We'll weather this together and come out happy and better able to handle those bumps in the road. If you've been going strong, thanks for blazing the trail. I've been so inspired by so many of you along the way.

WIsh in one hand...

My mother used to say, "wish in one hand and shit in the other and we'll see which fills up faster." When I was growing up, I heard that particularly charming colloquialism at least once a day and it infuriated me. It was her answer to, "I wish I had some ice cream" or "I wish I didn't have to go to school" or "I wish I could take dance lessons like the other girls." The more it irritated me, the more she seemed to be entertained.

Probably it was her way of getting back at children who each had an inflated sense of entitlement since her "when I was a girl" stories didn't seem to have much of and influence on my my sister and me. It was hard for us to imagine the kind of poverty she described, especially since she seemed so self indulgent by the time we came along. Regardless of the reason, she repeated that phrase like a mantra until we learned to stop beginning sentences with "I wish."

Despite it's abrasiveness, Mom's mantra has real meaning in my life today. I've spent this year mostly wishing for success. I've spent a little time blogging about it and a lot of time commiserating with friends and coworkers about weight loss struggles. Most of what I've done boils down to wishing, and while I have no intention of cupping my hand over my bottom instead of using the commode, I think that I can see which would...um...pile up faster.

I think I need to be more action focused. I need to find ways to ensure that I will win more of those difficult moments than I lose. That said, I've devised a plan of attack. While this month is certain to be a time of joyous celebration, it's also laced with no fewer than 15 get togethers of one variety or another. All are sure to be positively replete with scrumptious things to eat and some tempting libations. I've mapped out my events and prioritized. For the get togethers that will be at restaraunts, I'm picking my meal ahead of time. For those that take place at someone's home, I intend to eat something filling and healthy before I go so I won't be as tempted. There will be precisely one (pre Christmas) event during which I will indulge in dessert. I will go into each event with a detailed, well rehearsed plan.

This planning worked well for me on Thanksgiving. While I started off being determined not to obsess over potential weight gain, I also didn't want to make it a feeding frenzy. The menu at my mother's house almost never varies, so I was able to decide ahead of time what was worth it and what wasn't. I brought a yogurt and a banana which I ate while my family was enjoying a pre meal chocolate munch. I decided early what I would allow myself to eat so I could feel in control. I also tried to make people the focus of my celebrating instead of food.

I'm also laying out some more realistic goals for this month. I'll post these later today or tomorrow.


So I hope you're joining me in my efforts to stop just wishing for success!

The Change We Need

There are a lot of cynical people who assert that people just cannot change. Undoubtedly, people who make that claim are basing it on real experience. Maybe they've seen an uncle lose his fight with alcohol or drug addiction; maybe they've suffered through an abusive relationship, read the research that says that obese people can't keep the weight off or worst of all, they've endeavored to change themselves, stumbled and lost faith in their own personal ability to alter the course of their lives.

No matter how valid their experience, the trouble is that it's limited. It fails to take into account the resiliency of the spirit and the capacity of the individual to persevere. The truth is that sometimes people do change. They change for the better and they change for good. Their very existence is proof that change is possible. It's often painful and is almost always difficult. Usually, it's incredibly messy, but it's possible.

The truth is that millions of people are agents of positive change in their own lives and the lives of others every single day. Sometimes, change is hard for outside observers to appreciate, but every once in a while their is a transition so dramatic that it is impossible not to recognize it's existence and impact.

Whether you are a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian or Independent, it impossible deny the tremendous change in our nation. President Elect Obama as well as the pundits and historians will and have characterized this shift much more eloquently than I can hope to. Nevertheless, I feel compelled to reflect on the enormity of the election, what it symbolizes and how it informs my understanding of human nature. It seems impossible that we need only to reach back a few generations to touch the dark reality of slavery. That segregation and racism, lynching, oppression and impossible hate exist in our living memory is unthinkable when viewed through the lens of our current world.

A number of people contended that the change that was necessary to elect an African American president was not possible at this time. They worried about the Bradley Effect, explaining that it was possible that polls were deceptive because deep down, Americans couldn't pull the lever for a black man. I confess that I shared some of that cynicism. I have known too many people who have exerted an incredible amount of energy arguing for their belief in supremacy of whites to be certain that reason was more powerful than hate.

I would never limit the complexity of the election to the race issue. In the end, most Obama supporters were focused on economic issues, a fact which underscores the enormity of the shift in American views. Until very recently, Obama's race might have dominated his candidacy. Today, we can recognize that we have witnessed a momentous historical event, but that's not all that matters to us.

This morning, I woke up thinking about possibility and promise. I woke up believing in the ability of everyone, myself included, to change. It was and continues to be an incredible struggle, but we have made the conscious choice to change together as a nation. We have challenged established prejudices and redefined the nature of reality.

Isn't that what we are all striving for on a personal level? At 278 pounds, I couldn't imagine what life would be like at 228. All I could know was what I was living. That made success seem impossible. Today, I can't visualize life 50 pounds from now, so I must struggle to believe that it's possible. I'm must confront my own cynicism daily and believe in my own capacity for change.

I certainly hope no one feels I am trivializing Obama's victory by discussing it's implications for me on a very personal scale. I think sometimes seeing is believing. That's why we read other people's success stories and click on their progress pics. We need to see that someone has done it to believe that we can. My difficulty is that I sometimes have difficulty believing that the kind of change I need to make is possible. This victory, this obvious shift in the nation, is a powerful symbol that demonstrates that all change, even the most unlikely and glorious is possible.

Motivation Matters

Understanding why one wants to change a behavior is an incredibly important ingredient for success. It's wonderful to have a goal, but personally, if I don't have a clear idea of why I want to make a change, I'm doomed. It's easy to give way to temptation when my friends are eating brownie sundaes or to forgo exercise on a frigid February day if I'm not 100% clear on my motivation.

With regards to weight loss, this is by no means my first time around the block. I've tried and "failed" dozens of times. I always thought it was a matter of me finding the right program or food or reading the right inspirational story. But the thing that was common in all of my previous attempts was a lack of the true motivation.

There are lots of reasons to try to lose weight, and many of them are very good reasons. My grandmother wants me to "get skinny" so I can meet someone. For a while, I tried to use that as my carrot on a stick, but that didn't work so well for me. The truth is, I knew I would never want to be with someone who couldn't see the beauty in me at a size 28. Maybe that's unrealistic, but it's the way I feel. Once I realized that, I adopted a "who cares!" attitude and abandoned my weight loss efforts.

A friend told me that I should lose weight to "show" all the people who made fun of me when I was at my heaviest. Success is the best revenge. That worked for a while. I imagined the stunned look on people's faces when I walked into my high school reunion a svelte size 6 or when I sashayed past that guy who rejected me three years ago. Yeah! That'll teach 'em! The problem with that is that while I'm a passionate woman, I could never drum up a rage that could rival my love for Ben and Jerry. Uh-huh. That says it all.

I tried on other motivations. Up-coming weddings, holidays, vacations and milestones. I bought beautiful outfits 2 sizes too small and promised myself fabulous rewards. Punishments for not changing had little influence on me. My knees and ankles ache when I walk, but I didn't care. Instead, I convinced myself that everyone's knees and ankles ache. The truth is that I just couldn't imagine anything that would change my mind--that is until the day I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes.

Both of my parents have Type II diabetes. While my father was just recently diagnosed, my mother had known she was diabetic for the past eight years. She felt helpless, and despite my family's prompting, did nothing. She refused to attend diabetic education classes and she made no lasting attempt to modify her diet. She lost weight, but because she never exercised and consumed a diet which was about 85-90% carbohydrate, she was unable to control her blood sugar. She stopped monitoring it. For the last two years, she has been experiencing some serious complications. She has mobility problems and is partially incontinent. I don't feel like it's her fault; she just couldn't find her motivation.

For years my sister and I begged and cried and rang our hands but made no changes to our own lifestyles. However, learning I was pre-diabetic was like a punch in the gut. I was terrified and acted accordingly. I cut about three quarters of the carbohydrates out of my diet, went to a dietitian and began focusing on getting my 10,000 steps a day.

My diagnosis was a blessing. It was the motivation I needed to make healthy changes. I haven't been entirely disciplined. Between March and November of 2007, I was able to lose 35 pounds. It was slow, but I was patient.

I've been losing and gaining the same five pounds since the holidays began. I haven't made any headway, but my motivation remains and for that I'm truly grateful. I have also found new motivation along the way. The recognition of others, being able to buy a smaller size and walk for an extended period are wonderful incentives.

Every individual is motivated by something different. There's no wrong if it motivates you to do something positive. So what's your motivation?