Weigh-in: DOWN 50 LBS!!!!

I lost a total of 5 lbs this week, so I'm officially DOWN 50LBS today!!!! That means I'm ten pounds shy of the halfway point and only 8 pounds away from a BMI in the "obese" range as opposed to the "extremely obese" range. To me, the latter is the more meaningful. I guess I'm a pessimist, but I never really thought I'd make it this far. 120 pounds is an enormous goal, and I just didn't think I wanted it that bad. I had tried and failed too many times and I couldn't help thinking that it was too late to change. But getting this far is validating. Now I honestly think that another ten or twenty or seventy pounds isn't such a huge deal. It's just a matter of time and effort--and I stress the time part.

The change has been very difficult at times. I have always used food as comfort when I was feeling overwhelmed or really down. I also, coincidentally, used it as a way to celebrate. The hardest part of this whole process has been learning to separate grief and sadness from food. When I binge, the pain goes away for awhile. I feel soothed and focused on the pleasure of eating. Even afterwards, the regret I feel distracts me from more difficult thoughts and feelings.

Making this change means learning to sit with my emotions and give them space to breath. It means accepting the sadness as part of my life rather than rushing to cover it up or extinguish it. If nothing else, it forces me to examine what is at the root of my difficulties rather than denying that they exist. Sometimes, I haven't been the most pleasant person to be around during this process, but I am working and healing and am fortunate to have great support.

So I'm pushing on. I suspect that next week will be a challenge for me. I'm attending a conference and going on a short vacation. I know this success will fortify me as I tackle the temptations ahead of me. (EVEN IF THERE'S COOKIES!)

The Heafty Cost of Weight Loss

This weekend, I was really struck by how much losing weight costs. I know some of the expenses are my own doing, but I was amazed when I began to break it down.

First, there's the cost of books. I scarcely ever enter into any endeavor without doing a fairly thorough review of the literature. As far as weight loss goes, I have the benefit of a dozen or so really good weight loss blogs that I've been consulting for information. But along the way I have also purchased and read books on the pathology behind overeating and I've bought some weight loss memoirs. I also have tons of cookbooks and nutritional guides. I know what you're thinking--"doesn't she own a library card!" The truth is, when it comes to weight-related books, I prefer the anonymity of Amazon.com.

I also spend a significant amount of money to attend Weight Watchers meetings. Having recently switched to South Beach, I could probably let go off this particular expense, but the truth is that I'm afraid that if I don't have a public weigh in to attend, I won't stay on target. I also suppose that posting here keeps me fairly accountable, but I'm not ready to fly solo yet.

Then, there's the clothes. I needed to spend $300 this weekend to replace my ill-fitting clothing. I waited as long as I possibly could, but with the approach of fall, I had to spend a little cash to avoid looking like a vagrant at work. This is no exaggeration. At my heaviest, I bought most of my clothes so they would be too big on me. Those are the same clothes I'm wearing 46 pounds later so you can imagine that, by now, shopping was completely necessary. (I have bought some new things along the way, too). That said, this was a fun expense. It was lovely to go into a store and not need the biggest size on the rack. It was also incredibly foreign to actually like the way some things looked on me. It was a fun time.

When I first started mentally composing this list, I was doing my grocery shopping. The cost of healthy food seemed almost overwhelming, especially now that my diet includes far more lean protein than I ever ate. And just forget it if you try to shop with a conscience. Cage free eggs, for example, can be really pricey.

But when I got to the register, I noticed the total was just about the same as what I used to spend. Why? Conspicuously absent from my shopping list were the tubs of Ben & Jerry's, the banana and coconut cream pies as well as the chocolate cupcakes and m & m cookies I used to pile in my cart. And what about the prepackaged cupcakes and boxes of pizza? Were they hiding under the romaine lettuce? No. I just wasn't buying them anymore. In the past, I paid a king's ransom in the grocery store for snack foods. If my sister wasn't joining me in my efforts, the cost of groceries would be outrages, but since she's along for the ride, expenses on this front are staying the same.

And what about the intangibles? What about the cost to my quality of life? My energy level is off the charts compared to where it used to be. I can climb the stairs to my third floor office without needing CPR, I can walk a mile and a half on my lunch, I can make it through the day without a nap. I'm also more confident in myself, not just because I feel like I look better, but because I'm aware of what I've accomplished so far. I feel empowered.

One thing I'll never know is the price I would have paid in my health and in years of my life if I'd never begun this journey. That's worth ten times what I pay in the grocery line.

Going to the Beach

I honestly believe that there is nothing as unproductive as regret, especially considering the number of mistakes, big and small, that I've made in my life. That doesn't mean that I don't sometimes let regret drag me down, but I do make serious efforts to avoid it.

That said, I try to learn from my mistakes. I make an effort to figure out what the universe and my subconscious are trying to tell me. That's how I've been trying to process my recent cookie related difficulties. After all, for someone with prediabetes, those little slip ups have implications for my health, not just my self-image (though that alone is bad enough).

After really considering my situation, I've decided that I need a change. I've been doing Weight Watchers with some success over the course of the last year and a half. During that time, I've lost 46 pounds, so I do believe that the program, when I stick to it can work. But I haven't seen the changes in my blood glucose I would expect and I've found the program really tedious lately.

I've heard a lot about the virtues of diets that focus on lowering overall carbs and encouraging "good" carbs from friends and medical professionals. With that in mind, I decided to give the South Beach Diet a shot.

I officially made the switch on Friday, so we'll see how it goes. I know that I will lose at least some weight just because, without being able to consume high carb foods, I'm just not eating as much as I was. The South Beach Diet claims that I'll lose 8-13 pounds during the first two weeks. I guess that's possible, but I'm not going to count on it.

On a positive note, I've already noticed a significant impact on my blood sugar, especially, my fasting blood sugar. (Which I find curious). This probably won't mean much to most people out there, but while my fasting bg is usually between 120-135, it was only 85 this morning! My post meal tests are lower than they have ever been since I began testing last year.

I've also noticed that I'm not hungry, which is probably due in part to the protein that I'm consuming. So far, my desperate desire to climb into the freezer case at the grocery store and eat all the Ben & Jerry's is absent, as well. Dr. Agatstun, the creator of the South Beach Diet, argues that carb cravings are actually caused and intensified by consumption of high glycemic index foods. He claims that people get addicted to sugar. That seems to gel with my own experiences. I've often discussed the emotional component of my overeating, but I've never really considered that there could be a physiological cause as well.

I wondered if I should mention the change here. I don't want to seem like I'm endorsing any particular diet. I decided to mention it because I blog about my weight loss efforts and this is a pretty significant change to them and I've certainly mentioned Weight Watchers before. It seemed reasonable that I should share. I also know that, in the end, people are smart enough to make up their own minds.

So I'm continuing the drive to -50 with a fresh perspective and new bag of tricks. I hope to post some progress pics when I get there. Enjoy your holiday weekend!

Yours Truly and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

(Alexander's got nothing on me)

Yesterday was really the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and it seems like I was determined to make it that way! I really let things snowball.

I had gone to bed in very low spirits on Wednesday, probably because I was tired. I tried to deny and push away the funk, but I woke up feeling low on Thursday morning. I was overwhelmed by negativity. For some reason, when I began to conceptualize my day, I could only think of it as a series of tiresome, insurmountable obstacles.

The first of those was an adjustment at my orthodontist. In reality, the appointment could only have been more convenient if the office made house calls. I had scheduled the appointment for 8 am which is 30 minutes before I start work. The building the orthodontist is located in is about 3 blocks from my own office, they have convenient parking and they validate. They are also a very efficient staff. They got me right back, put in a new arch wire and I was on my way within 20 minutes. Looking at it now, I realize that it was only a minor inconvenience, especially considering the benefit I expect to derive from my 2.5 years with a metal mouth, but that's not the way I saw it yesterday.

Swooping into my office, I declared dramatically, "I'm back from the torture chamber!" (Don't despise me; I know what an ass I was, but it does get worse!) During work, while I expected to be swamped, I actually wasn't that busy. However, instead of being grateful for the chance to breath, I was bored.

It was in these spirits that I discovered the snickerdoodles. Ohhhh, THE HUMANITY! She Devil had brought in several dozen fresh baked cookies made with love and cinnamony-sugar goodness. I immediately thought, "with a day like I'm having today, I deserve some cookies." For some reason, all logical thought processes shut down. It wasn't even until I had consumed about a half a dozen of them that I realized what I'd done. Calories and points and the sacrifices I'd need to make to balance out my day never entered into my mind. Going forward with my day, I could have made the decision to let it go, but I was consumed with self-loathing.

By the evening, my teeth were killing me. The wire they used this time was much heavier than the last and I couldn't chew if I wanted to. So I fell asleep on the couch. When my sister (who is also my housemate) arrived home last night, she snuck quietly to the kitchen and made me some tomato soup for dinner.

I was totally appreciative, but that didn't stop me from becoming a complete jackass. After finishing my soup, I announced that what I really needed was a milk shake. My sister, who I will refer to as "The Peach" in the rest of this post, reminded me that a milk shake wasn't consistent with my goals, especially after Snickerdoodle Fest '08. I then became sullen and cranky--a state which basically lasted until I went to sleep and probably caused The Peach no end of misery.

So looking back on yesterday (if you haven't clicked away in disgust) I realize that the only truly bad thing that happened to me was me. I had a shitty attitude from the start and spoiled what could have been an otherwise lovely day. If I hadn't had such a bad attitude, I probably wouldn't have gone apeshit on the cookie tray and I certainly wouldn't have been bitchy to The Peach.

All I can do is learn from yesterday (and think of creative ways to make up for being a Gremlin). I'm making a concerted effort to focus on the positive. I've got a lot of reasons to be happy and excited about life.

Of course, one of these is a fresh start. As you can see if you look to the sidebar, I've joined Chubby Chick's Christmas Challenge! Christmas has always been my very favorite holiday, so that's certainly something to look forward to. That said, I'm being weary lest my old demons rear their ugly heads. While my goal of getting below 200 pounds by Christmas is lofty, I believe it's achievable. But if I don't get to onderland by Christmas, that's okay too. I know that if I focus my efforts, I'll lose at least some weight by then.

So what are you happy and excited about today? Have you ever had an irrational bitch day?

Desk/Chair Combo, Torture me No More

I weighed in today at 232 pounds--down one pound. I had so wanted to get below 230. I know it's just a number, but dropping into a new 10 pound increment is a real psychological shot in the arm. I like lovely round numbers. It's for that sick reason that I sort of wish I'd started my weight loss at 280 instead of 278. Weird, I know!


But on a different knot, I much prefer when I can measure my success entirely independently of numbers. Usually, these opportunities present themselves when I'm not even seeking them out.

One example was the day I realized my "lady junk" khakis were too big. I call them that because at my highest weight they were so snug that wearing them put every aspect of my anatomy on display. They have both a button and a drawstring, and when I first bought them, I had to use the drawstring to close them because I couldn't get them buttoned without popping an eye out. (You may ask why I didn't just buy the next size up--I was in denial; I thought if I didn't buy the next size, I wasn't that big). However, one day a few months ago, I realized I had to use the same drawstring to keep them from dropping around my ankles. It was the first time the number on the scale had any concrete meaning to me and the first time I really believed that I had lost the weight.

Yesterday, I had another one of those weird "non scale victories" as my Weight Watchers leader calls them. I have been a student for most of my life and probably will be for the remainder. However, when I first began college I met with a frightful and humiliating fiend--the desk/chair combo. In case anyone is not aware, the desk/chair combo is constructed with your average human in mind. While some allowances are made for those social deviants who insist on writing with their left hands, I discovered on that first day of class, freshmen year that no such allowances are made for plus sized folks.

I'd try to make it to class before everyone else so that no one would see me working to wedge myself into the chair. My butt would hang over the side and the desk would cut into my stomach which would spill over the top of the writing surface. Once I was in my seat, I prayed I wouldn't have to get out until the end of class when I would shuffle my papers so I could get up in privacy. The difficulty is that I would sometimes need to get up to get a paper or to do something in front of the class. A few times, when I stood, the chair came with me. Other times I had to shimmy my way out with what felt like the whole world's eyes upon me. Some people snickered and whispered--jackasses.

These vile contraptions were the only seating available in virtually all my classes. They were a constant, humiliating reminder of my size. They made it impossible to deny. Probably the worst thing about it is that it made me compare myself to other college girls. I noticed that other girls could fit piled two high in the desks, which is a lot like what I imagine it would feel like to see one (or two) of them try on my "lady junk" pants.

Last night, as I was sitting in my class, I became conscious of the space between my abdomen and the writing surface. I realized, with glee, that I could slip in and out of the desk with ease. I almost started crying right there in the middle of the lecture. It was so beyond belief that a difficulty that had dominated my college experience was behind me. That's a victory! Who cares if the scale say 232 or 500. Those real, quality of life differences are what I'm striving for.

So what about you? What non scale victories can you claim or what are you striving for?

Philosophy 101 Revisited

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit."
--Aristotle

For Dr. O, a psych professor at my Alma Mater, this was practically a mantra. I had the pleasure of having what amounted to a wellness class with him only last semester, and he spoke those words at virtually every meeting. I've also seen it on a lot of blogs, so it certainly isn't fresh insight for me.

That's why I was surprised when it popped into my head at 4:45 this morning. I was awoken by the strops, purrs and drips of drool that I can expect when by 3 year old calico, Betty Lou, manages to get my bedroom door open. Typically, I give her the requisite attention, send her off and return to sleep, but this morning that quote was burned into my brain.

Maybe it resonated with me so well today because I had gone to bed feeling guilty. It wasn't so much that I had overeaten yesterday, but rather that I had eaten and overeaten when I didn't feel hungry. I was stressed out about work and personal relationships and there just happened to be cookies and light ice cream in the kitchen. I didn't binge, but I wasn't eating to relieve any physical hunger and that made me feel out of control and angry. As my head hit the pillow, I felt like a failure and I was sorely disappointed in myself.

But listening to the predawn rain with the warmth of a cat on my chest, I found new perspective. I buy into the idea that we are what we repeatedly do. On the most basic level, I had to repeatedly eat more calories than I burned to tip the scales at nearly 280 pounds. I wasn't "an over eater" the first time I stuffed myself at Thanksgiving. That became part of my identity as I continued to do it on a daily basis. By the same token, jogging around the block won't make me an athlete and showing compassion on one, isolated occasion won't make me a good person.

What matters is the sum of who we are and what we do. On this journey, I need to focus on pushing forward and I need to treat every day and every moment as a chance to shape who I am and who I will become. If, in the grand tally, I make healthy choices more often than less healthy ones, I will eventually achieve my goals. That's it. Cultivating excellence is as simple and as difficult as that.

Finding comfort in food and laying in front of the T.V. have been part of who I am for as long as I can remember. Changing the fabric of my being is bound to take some time, and I bet there will be some rips along the way.

O.K. The metaphors are getting thick and deep in here, so why don't you share your own perspective!

Please Don't Feed the Animals!

One of the worst things about working in my office is that well-meaning people often bring in food for everyone to enjoy. Hardly a day goes by that I'm not tempted by a pan of fudgey brownies, a basket of muffins, a coffee cake or, worst of all, a plate of fresh chocolate chip cookies or snickerdoodles.

All of these are typically laid out on the table where I used to get my coffee, and I always found it difficult to hold back while pouring my java. Interested in removing myself from tempting circumstances, I took matters into my own hands and got a coffee pot which I keep in a different, snack free location. Now I can enjoy my morning brew without placing myself in a difficult situation.

That being said, I certainly do not begrudge anyone else their morning sugar rush. Temptations like these will face me the rest of my life and I have to learn how to prioritize and make good decisions. That's right--I have to learn to make good decisions in the face of temptations--I don't need someone else to make them for me.

And there's very little that gets my panties in a bunch quite like having someone "help" me decide what to eat. Before anyone knew I had lost weight, no one bothered me about what I ate. Now that my efforts are common knowledge around my office, my stick thin boss is constantly advising me not to eat the baked goods people bring in. Usually, when someone has a birthday she says something like, "you don't want any cake, right?" I realize that she is thin because she doesn't eat, but I would never want that to be my reality.

My goal is to lose 120 pounds, and it's become apparent that it might take me years to accomplish. Thinking that I can or even should go without the occassional piece of cake or ice cream cone for the next 3 years seems crazy. Firstly, it suggests that what I'm doing is merely a temporary diet that I can go off of when I reach my goal. But the trouble with that is that I imagine I would pack the pounds back on fairly quickly if I bought into that philosophy. Secondly, I don't think complete self denial would work out so well for me. It wouldn't take me very long to start feeling deprived and we all no where that would go.

As a side note, it could just be my deep-seated difficulty with authority, but when someone advises me not to eat something, it usually increases my desire to eat it. I know that's self sabotaging, but I don't want people to think that I'm going to stop eating because I'm trying to lose weight. (When I was at my heaviest, I was always reluctant to eat junk food in front of people because I didn't want anyone to think, "no wonder she's fat!"). I know that smacks of disordered eating, but what can I say? I'm a work in progress.