Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Considering that I didn't get my butt in gear until my somewhat whiny post from late in the week, I'm really happy with .5 pounds. Considering the damage I could have done, I'm glad to have a loss to report.
I appreciated the support and advice I got from Bloggerland. You'll be pleased to know that I was super motivated after my last post. I've been tracking every last bite of food on The DailyPlate. Thanks to those who suggested it! I love seeing what percentage of my calories I've eaten and it helps to know if 75% of my calories have come from fat! It's really keeping me honest and giving me some good insight on this process.
I've also been working out a lot. I'm still on a fitness team where I work and I'm pretty proud to say that we're kicking a lot of butt. Presently, we are in 4th place out of over 100 teams and we're .2 points away from third. I've never realized how competitive I can be, but I'm not about to question a good thing. I'm just glad I found some additional motivation to move.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Thanks to all who commented in response to my post yesterday. I appreciate all the advice and tough love that came my way. I really needed a kick in the pants and some tips and I knew I could count on my blog buddies.
I wish that keeping junk food out of the house was an option for me. I live with my sister who is most definitely not on the same page as I am. She's shorter and is carrying a little more weight than I am. She also faces a lot of the same potential health problems as I do since we both come from a long line of tpe II diabetics and have a very strong family history of heart disease. However, while I bite my nails considering what could happen if I don't change my ways, she maintains a belief in her own invincibility that is as zealous as it is foolhardy. She loves fried food and chocolate and dammit, that's what she's going to eat.
I've said before that it wouldn't be so hard to change if I was living with someone who's not on the same page as I am, but the trouble is that she's reading a whole other book. She resists the changes I'm trying to make in my own life. She scrunches her nose about my attempts to eat healthier and she pressures me to eat things I shouldn't eat. I mean really pressures me. Last night, for example, she got out the Pazcki. She held the box under my nose and I said no thank you.
"Because I don't want one."
"Sure you do, they're good. I'll get you a plate. Here eat it."
I resisted and resisted and got angry and gave in. I wasn't hungry. I didn't want it. But I ate it. I was so disgusted with myself that I cried. I don't know why I couldn't find the strength to walk away. Afterwards, I confronted my sister about being a food pusher and she defended herself by saying that she didn't make me eat it. This was very true and I know that the responsibility for my decisions rests with me alone. Why shouldn't it? It's my knees that have to carry around the extra weight. But I haven't been feeling strong lately and living with someone who is threatened by the changes I'm trying to make makes life really difficult.
So keeping foods I have difficulty resisting out of the house isn't really an option and I obviously can't count on my sister to be supportive enough to keep her assorted goodies out of my sight, so I need to find a way around this barrier.
Ria's suggestion about journaling everything I ate struck a chord with me, mostly because I felt so repelled by the idea. My reaction seemed odd to me. I know it's good advice. In the times in my life when I've dropped weight, before my recent slow down, I always tracked what I ate. So why was I so resistant to it now? I think part of me is in denial. I recently read a post by Chubby Chick in which she talked about the fact that she was angry that she can't eat like a "normal person" and that her desire to be "normal" has quite ironically contributed to a 100 pound gain in the last 2 years. Her anger really resonated with me. I wish that eating properly could just be second nature for me. I wish that I didn't have to think about it. If I write everything I eat, I'm acknowledging that I must be constantly mindful. But not writing down points or calories, not acknowledging what I eat and how much of it I eat won't negate the consequences of all my munching. It will just enable me to avoid responsibility and awareness and will lead to unpleasant surprises and ultimately a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. I'm tired of that feeling. There may be a time in my life when I can "eat like a normal person" without measuring and counting, but as Yoda said, "you must unlearn what you have learned" before you can adopt a new way of being. ("Try not. Do or do not. There is no try." Might also be an appropriate Yodaism at this point.)
So thanks, Ria. It should have been so second nature for me to decide to return to recording what I eat, but it wasn't; I really needed someone to say it!
In addition, I think I can work to combat the temptation of living with a food pusher by being better prepared. I'm going to try to be proactive and have healthier options that we both like. The theory here is that she will buy less garbage and if she does try to push something that will break my day, I can have something else to turn to to stave off temptation. I've been kicking around some options. Sugar free Jell-O is like a Godsend. With only 10 calories a serving, I can turn to it when I'm having a sweet craving without feeling guilty. I also find the sugar free pudding helpful for the same reason. Fresh berries feel like a splurge since I'm on a budget, but they also make a delicious dessert when I mix them with fat free vanilla yogurt. Finally, I'm really digging on sorbet and No Pudge brownies. I just need to stock my shelves with these items as defense against all the other crap I might consider putting into my body.
Any way, that's where my head's at today. I'm journaling every bite and have been strong enough to resist the brownies in the office. I'm planning a walk on lunch though I'd much rather curl up and read.
Thank you all for being my Yodas!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I'm late! I'm late! I know I usually check in on Mondays, but I'm running late this week. At least I have some good news to report! The scale said 237.5 which means I'm down 1 pound.
I have to confide that am having some difficulty lately, though. You could probably guess by watching me lose and gain the same 5 pounds for the last few months. It's hard for me to name my difficulty. This whole thing should just be so simple. Don't eat too much, don't gain weight. I know what I'm supposed to do and I start of doing it, but then there's some part of me that convinces myself to make bad choices. It's like I bump my head and get temporary amnesia. Sometimes when I'm staring at a plate of cookies, I don't even have an internal struggle going on. I don't think, "these are the pros and cons of scarfing that cookie." Instead I think, "Lalalalalal....oooh look a cookie. I've been good today" even if I haven't, or "those are only like 1 point, I can eat 6."
I don't even know how to begin to combat this. I've often wished I could hire someone to follow me around and give me a jolt of electricity or a slap or something just so I'll THINK before I make a bad decision. Because that's the problem, I don't even think, I just inhale. But I know that I need to learn to make good choices on my own and even in the face of serious temptation.
This weekend I struggled with that problem (despite my reasonably good news on the scale) and if I tried to estimate how much I'd eaten, I probably wouldn't even come close. I don't know how to explain it. It's like I go temporarily insane and start munching. I can chock some of it up to mindlessness which could be avoided if I hadn't had a bowl of candy on the coffee table (I know, DUH!). I also think some of it was slipping into old comfortable habits because I was upset about/with my parents.
The good news is that these bouts of insanity don't last nearly as long as they used to. Before I began this process, they would last days, weeks or months. I was surrounded by people who were doing the same thing so it seemed OK. I need to get past this so that I can move on. If I eat chocolate cake, I want it to be because I thought it over and decided it was worth it, not because I didn't think at all.
Does anyone else struggle with this? Any suggestions of what I can do? I'm so tired of constantly being on a diet but never achieving my goals and I would really love some advice.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Part of the reason that I've been able to be more active this week is that I've been flexible and creative. With class or meetings far into the evening, I knew that there was no way I would hit the gym or do a ton once I got home. I tried to get in a nice long, brisk walk on my lunch hour most days this week. I've also taken advantage of the little opportunities for activity. If something needed delivered, I did it myself instead of asking one of our assistance to do it. If I needed to talk to a coworker, I went to their office instead of calling or emailing. I parked further from the building than I normally do and I made an effort to take the stairs.
I also took advantage of fitness activities at work. Specifically, I made an appointment to try out the Wii Fit for the first time. I got a half hour to play around with it and had a really great time. I tried skiing, hula hooping and running. It was so much fun, I forgot that I was exercising! I wish I had an opportunity to do more with it, but it's definitely out of my price range right now.
I know that loosing weight will involve sustained physical exertion, not just taking the stairs or parking at the opposite end of the lot. However, in a week where time is limited, "all or nothing" thinking can be really damaging. All those little calories that I burn will add up, but if I think that if I can't spend an hour exercising, I shouldn't bother, than I'm going to have a very sedentary week. Instead, I sought out opportunities to move. I feel like I'm managing my stress level really well despite some really heavy family difficulty and extra pressures at work. I really attribute my improved coping skills to my boost in activity.
So my message today is JUST MOVE. Even if you only have ten minutes to spare today, take a quick jog or walk. Try out a new activity or do some quick sculpting exercises. Put on some upbeat music and dance or try out Wii Fit (so awesome!). Whatever you do, make it a good weekend!
Monday, February 9, 2009
I could over think this and brainstorm the reasons for my non stellar week, but I'm not going to. It's just going to be the same issues that I face all the time. I didn't do what I needed to do. I wasn't active and I didn't always eat what I was supposed to eat. I didn't binge; I wasn't completely off the wagon, but I ate to much and moved way too little.
For a minute after I got on the scale, I kind of freaked out. I started doing that mental math that gets me into so much trouble. How much do I have to lose this week to stay on track? But I stopped myself. My goal is still 1 pound. Totally doable.
To get me there, I'm going to try to be more mindful of my goal this week. I'll do this by blogging, reading other blogs and recording every bite I take. I'm also going to focus more on exercise. I've joined a fitness challenge at work. I'm on a team so I know I'll work harder because I don't want to let my coworkers down.
Finally, while my blog is called Hide Those Cookies I actually very infrequently request that my loved ones hide food from me. I feel like I need to learn to make good choices in the presence of temptation. However, this week, I'm making it easier on myself. I'm having my roomie stash all the good stuff so I can't even feel tempted to chow down.
I hope everyone had a good week!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Things are somewhat hectic, but I wanted to check in lest everyone think I chucked my scale out the window. I'll write a more substantial post soon.
Have a great day!