Thursday, December 31, 2015

Fresh Start

First things first, I can’t make you any promises.  I want to be that person who sets forth with passion and delivers what’s expected but that just isn’t where I live right now.  I have problems with follow through.  I have, on innumerable occasions, begun with the best intentions but I find that, in all of even my most well intentioned efforts, life chips away at my resolve until I’m ready to curl up under my white flag for a long rest.
Maybe I am not resilient enough but that doesn’t feel right.  I have faced all that I have faced and I still am here clicking away at the keyboard with a spirit that is genuinely desiring an all out change.  With a soul that is ready to throw open the windows and let the sweet air blow the bitterness away on the breeze.
One thing is certain…my overuse of the conjunction “but” reveals that I am anything but certain.  I am not merely wishy washy–I am, at times entirely dichotomous.
Seven years ago, I began writing a blog with the hopes that giving a written shape to my thoughts would help me tame them and that I would ultimately find the resolve and the “secret” to losing weight.  Here I sit, at 266 pounds, nearly as heavy as when I first made weight loss my aim.
It could be a question of motivation.  Some people want to lose weight to attract a partner.  That never held much sway for me.  I didn’t want someone who wouldn’t want me at my heaviest.  That may have limited my dating options but I could never be satisfied with a “no fatties” kind of guy, even if I was thin.
I may have found my best motivation.  I always said I would lose weight if my weight ever limited the amount of fun I could have…then I set sail on that river in Egypt as I saw my weight begin to limit the life I could lead.  First, I couldn’t skydive.  Then I stopped renting kayaks because I was afraid I would sink them.  I had to stop trying to ride amusement park rides when I almost couldn’t get the safety restraints to fasten once.
I ignored all of that.  And then, in September, my weight led to a foot injury that still hasn’t healed and which caused me to have to cancel a much anticipated trip to India.  An action which ultimately cost me my relationship with my best friend.
I have mostly ignored the health consequences too.  The pre diabetes that I have left untreated.  The complete absence of my period, which generally means that I cannot have the family I dream of having some day.  The fact that my estrogen levels are so out of balance that my doctor is now “afraid of cancer” since we have been unable to get them under control
The price of these pounds has been high indeed.  No cookie or swallow of wine has ever been worth it.
So I can make no promises or guarantees.  I can only say that I intend to try to fight for my life.  To embrace not just weight loss but a total mind, body, soul kind of wellness that my whole being is crying out for.  I’m keeping this blog because it was something I once found helpful and because I am tired of just talking to myself about the triumphs and set backs.  I hope you join me.

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