We have an incentive plan at work that seeks to encourage us to be healthy by paying us for taking certain classes or participating in certain activities. One of those activities is a weekly weigh in. I don't usually go...I pretend to have better things to do...(denial ain't just a river in Egypt) but I went today. I weigh 248 pounds. That is precisely 40 pounds more than I weighed at my lowest, which, incidentally was also one of the most stressful times of my life. Another 30 pounds and I'll be back right where I started. That seems unthinkable, but so did 40.
Tomorrow morning I am going to the gym. I have to because I need to make this year of my life different from all the others. I need it to be about action and motivation not sadness and excuses. I am going because I have to start somewhere. I am going even though I don't feel ready because I think I maybe never will. I can't wait until I'm ready to change because change is sucky and uncomfortable and will never feel right at first but it can also be wonderful, especially when I have established in months of whining that what I am doing right now does not work.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
I am the captain of my soul
I majored in history in college and took advantage of an accelerated program to earn a master's degree in it as well. However, as my favorite biology professor pointed out on that warm April day when I announced I was switching my major from biology to history, my university only taught, "the history of white people". (This is not the case so much today, but the department still labors under a decided eurocentricity). I loved my program and I tried to round out my world view but I missed a lot. None of my classes really touched Africa and I was too young in the 90s to pay much attention to current events, so I missed the struggles South Africa experienced during that time.
A quiet Friday night with nothing to do but be the proverbial crazy cat lady led me to rent a copy of Invictus. I didn't really know much about Nelson Mandela (indeed I don't know how much about him was fictionalized so I am remedying that by picking up some biographies) but I have to say that I was awestruck by what I did learn. It is unthinkable to me that someone could spend 27 years in prison and come out extolling forgiveness and peace. That, instead of lamenting the time lost, one could unselfishly consider the future of all.
Because I am entirely too self focused, even the story of Nelson Mandela's life makes me think of my own small struggles. I find it so amazing that he could forgive so much so readily but I find it impossible to relinquish the grudges I hold. People have not always been kind to me in my life; some people have hurt me profoundly but the grudge I keep holds the hurt inside for me alone. Those people probably do not know that I harbor the heartache that they caused, and they probably would not care if they did know. That inability to forgive is corroding me from the inside. Worse than my inability to forgive others is my inability to forgive myself.
I feel a great sense of regret when I consider how many years of his life were spent in captivity but it's painful to think of how I squander my freedom. In reality, I can do whatever I want, but I feel utterly imprisoned in a life that I find intolerable. I hate my body and my poor health. I hate my unstable financial situation. I love my friends with all my heart but I hate that they seem not to care much for me. I hate the way I spend my nights, alone in my apartment. I hate the way I am treated at work and that I do not feel my job is a challenge. I hate that I am single though I have tried very hard to meet someone. I hate the rut I have fallen into; the prison my life has begun. I am stuck between feeling I should learn to be satisfied with what I have and thinking that I should bust out of this prison while I can. I know the door is not locked but I can't even seem to find it.
In the meantime, I hope that rambling posts will help me work things out. I only know that something has to change because I have come to feel wildly, desperately unhappy. I know I am the only person who can fix that.
A quiet Friday night with nothing to do but be the proverbial crazy cat lady led me to rent a copy of Invictus. I didn't really know much about Nelson Mandela (indeed I don't know how much about him was fictionalized so I am remedying that by picking up some biographies) but I have to say that I was awestruck by what I did learn. It is unthinkable to me that someone could spend 27 years in prison and come out extolling forgiveness and peace. That, instead of lamenting the time lost, one could unselfishly consider the future of all.
Because I am entirely too self focused, even the story of Nelson Mandela's life makes me think of my own small struggles. I find it so amazing that he could forgive so much so readily but I find it impossible to relinquish the grudges I hold. People have not always been kind to me in my life; some people have hurt me profoundly but the grudge I keep holds the hurt inside for me alone. Those people probably do not know that I harbor the heartache that they caused, and they probably would not care if they did know. That inability to forgive is corroding me from the inside. Worse than my inability to forgive others is my inability to forgive myself.
I feel a great sense of regret when I consider how many years of his life were spent in captivity but it's painful to think of how I squander my freedom. In reality, I can do whatever I want, but I feel utterly imprisoned in a life that I find intolerable. I hate my body and my poor health. I hate my unstable financial situation. I love my friends with all my heart but I hate that they seem not to care much for me. I hate the way I spend my nights, alone in my apartment. I hate the way I am treated at work and that I do not feel my job is a challenge. I hate that I am single though I have tried very hard to meet someone. I hate the rut I have fallen into; the prison my life has begun. I am stuck between feeling I should learn to be satisfied with what I have and thinking that I should bust out of this prison while I can. I know the door is not locked but I can't even seem to find it.
In the meantime, I hope that rambling posts will help me work things out. I only know that something has to change because I have come to feel wildly, desperately unhappy. I know I am the only person who can fix that.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Christmas is Over so What's with the Reference to The Santa Clause
Christmas is long over. My trees been down since December 26, I have purchased my wrapping paper for next year and tucked it away and its been weeks since a Christmas cookie has crossed my lips. It's my favorite time of year but I'm prepared to be done with the season for the next ten months. So why is it then, that everyday, I am reminded of that scene in The Santa Clause where Scott Calvin gets on the scale and the dial continues to tick upward while he's standing on it?!?! I swear, everyday I seem to weigh just a little more and everyday I find a new pair of pants that needs to go into retirement!
What's going on here? I was tempted to say that it's not my fault. I was full of alarm, thinking I had better consult with a physician right away because there was NO WAY I was culpable for this seemingly unstoppable gain. After all, I may not be hitting the gym and living on vegetables but I've abandoned my recent habit of eating Ben & Jerry's while watching Biggest Loser on demand (did I think that was an ironic statement?) so what gives. I decided to examine things a little more closely before calling my doctor and discovered that I'm consuming far too many calories every day. Big shock...excess calories cause weight gain...WOW!
I'm easing back into this thing. I downloaded the Sparkpeople ap for my iPhone and I am tracking my food now. More discussion to follow but first I have to do something about this angry red ring my pants have cut into my stomach.
What's going on here? I was tempted to say that it's not my fault. I was full of alarm, thinking I had better consult with a physician right away because there was NO WAY I was culpable for this seemingly unstoppable gain. After all, I may not be hitting the gym and living on vegetables but I've abandoned my recent habit of eating Ben & Jerry's while watching Biggest Loser on demand (did I think that was an ironic statement?) so what gives. I decided to examine things a little more closely before calling my doctor and discovered that I'm consuming far too many calories every day. Big shock...excess calories cause weight gain...WOW!
I'm easing back into this thing. I downloaded the Sparkpeople ap for my iPhone and I am tracking my food now. More discussion to follow but first I have to do something about this angry red ring my pants have cut into my stomach.
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