Goals and Rewards

The interesting thing about being a little messy and disorganized is that when I finally do set myself to cleaning I find letters and pictures, journals and pamphlets that sit patiently waiting like time capsules to remind me of how life and people change when I'm not looking.

I've been on a bit of a cleaning spree lately. I think I've been hoping that if I can purge the clutter and restore some order to my environment that my mind might follow suit. I decided to tackle my desk drawer last week. Mostly it was stuffed with old deposit slips, memos and post it notes with phrases like "pickles Thursday" which have long since lost their meaning.

I also came across a glitzy document labeled "Goals and Rewards" in large rainbow colored font. The sheet laid out six weight-related goals with corresponding rewards of increasing value. Gifts ranged from a new movie which I could purchase once I fell below 270 pounds to a European vacation which I'm to take when I get down to 180 pounds.

There were a few things about the list that struck me. Firstly, it was colorful and full of pictures. Each goal was printed in the largest font possible. Clearly, I spent a lot of time on it and designed it to be eye catching, but then I folded it eight times and stuffed it unceremoniously in the back of my desk.

Secondly, for all its embellishment that would seem to shout, "You can do it and get cool stuff along the way!" the list whispers a different message, hissing, "You can't do this." For each goal, it's not enough to reach a certain weight. I clearly laid out that I must also, "stay there for one week" before I earn a reward. From the beginning, I believed that I would regain any weight I managed to lose. The rewards themselves also demonstrate my lack of faith. For 50 pounds, I stated I would buy myself a brand new VW Beetle convertible! I knew when I created this list that it would be a very long time before I would be able to afford such a thing, but that was irrelevant, because I never imagined I would lose the weight.

So why did I neglect the list and tuck it away in a dark place? One reason is that undoubtedly, as I began to lose weight I realized that the change I felt and saw was a reward in itself, something that couldn't be purchased. The other reason is that I have a bad habit of not believing in my dreams. I didn't believe I could lose even 5 pounds when I wrote the list. I was hoping the promise of tangible reward would push me ahead, but I never expected success. For the first thirty pounds, I was able to rely on fear for my health, a shear terror that enabled me to pass up all baked goods and candy.

Now, as my rational mind has banished some of the fear, I need my dreams to push me along the next leg of my journey. I need to honestly believe that I can do this. I need to know how I can do it and I need to visualize my success. I need to make my dream concrete. I have to break them down into smaller units and to brainstorm ways to overcome obstacles. I need to mentally rehearse my reactions to the holidays and parties and bad days. I need to plan over and over again to make exercise a part of my life. I both need and deserve to focus on and believe in my dreams.

I think that's what we all need, not just in weight loss, but in life in general. So take a second to check in with yourself. Do you believe in your dreams? Are you doing everything you can to chase them?

Getting Centered

I feel like I've had a news IV for the last month. I wake up and I switch on the news. Then it's NPR on the way to work. Once I'm at work it's email alerts, news websites and CNN on my blackberry. The global economic crisis and the upcoming election are constantly on my mind. And you know what? It's making me feel like crap. I've developed a permanent eye twitch and a serious craving for comfort foods.

Today, I'm working to center myself and to find the inner peace that seems to have slipped away in past months. I know that part of the solution is probably to just watch less news. Maybe I need to start being informed in moderation. It's not like the economic system is going to come crashing down if I turn off the 24 hour news for a while. Anyone else feeling my pain in this area?

I've also been taking cues from some of my fellow bloggers. Last week Annette talked about the need to slow down a little and to give yourself permission to NOT multitask. I think that's excellent advice. I know I never do just one thing at a time. I can't drive without getting the news at the same time when I could probably really benefit from the quiet time a solitary car ride can offer. Even if my favorite show is on, I never just watch TV. I have to also be online answering emails or doing research at the same time. Even when I eat, I have to read or watch the news. The result? I probably end up doing a lot of things half assed and I probably never fully enjoy a TV program or, more importantly a meal.

This demonstrates the need for me to be way more mindful of what I eat. I so distract myself, that I hardly remember eating my meals or snacks and I'm almost always surprised when they're gone. Then I feel like I should have more food to make up for it! My new strategy is to write everything down before I eat it (which I should have been doing all along) and to make meal and snack time more of event rather than a habit. I WILL start eating at my dining room table instead of over the sink or in the living room and I will turn off the television and computer and shut my book before I begin.

Finally, I need to find time to get outside. For some reason this is very important to me. I get feeling caged if I spend all day inside. I need to make time to go for a walk and try to focus on enjoying the scenery rather than analyzing past conversations or planning my finances.

I've started writing down my foods, and I already feel a little more centered. I hope everyone else is having a successful day!

Malleable Me and the Conference 5

I like to think of myself as an independent thinker. I think that's at the root of American Culture: The desire to believe that you are an individual, that you're special, that you don't just march to a different beat but rather that you don't need a beat to begin with. That's probably why I was so dismayed when I discovered just how malleable I can be.

Fall is conference season in my office. That means that we do a lot of traveling together before the formidable winter weather makes it impractical to leave the area. I don't always have the same companions on my journeys, in fact, it seems that I'm the one constant in all the office travel.

What I noticed was that when I traveled with people who ate dessert, which was most of the time, I ate dessert. If they ate it at every meal, I did too. If they decided they needed a late night snack, I was totally game. It was a time of total indulgence with warm brownie sundaes and rich triple layer cakes. Uggggg!

Conversely, when I traveled with someone who was diet conscious, I made good choices. Of course, we had no choice but to eat out, but I stuck with things I knew would be harmless like broth based soups, grilled lean meats and veggies. I skipped dessert and we walked to a local store for fruit and yogurt. Unfortunately, I usually travel with junk food eaters, so I've gained a total of 5 pounds!

It troubles me that I could be so malleable. The fact of the matter is that if I want this enough, the company I keep shouldn't matter. Marie Antoinette might have said, "Let them eat cake," but that doesn't mean that I have to scarf it down. I have a clear idea of my goals and I know what it will take to reach them, so why don't I win those difficult moments?

I've kicked around a few theories. A good friend suggested that I'm afraid of success or that I don't want to be happy, point to examples of other major examples of self-sabotage in my life. She made a good case, and I suppose it's entirely possible, but I really do think that all people want to be happy. I may choose frustration and unhappiness when I order dessert, but I don't think I consciously decide that I don't want to be happy. Therefore, I reject this possibility on the grounds that it runs contrary to my fundamental nature and that it might be too complicated to solve if it was true.

More likely, I think it stems from two converging difficulties. Firstly, I was away from my computer, my major source of support on this journey, most of the time. Secondly, I'm uncomfortable in most social situations, especially with people I don't spend a lot of down time with. Food was a comfort and a bonding experience that helped me ignore my discomfort. In the future, I'm going to try to be more aware of the choices I'm making and to be mindful of the fact that I do often have the opportunity to choose between happiness or despair.

I think my reaction to this situation is key. My weight loss came to a screeching halt this time last year. The holidays follow quickly on the heels of conference season, and I just gave up. I'm developing a plan to keep that from happening that includes:

1. Writing down every bite I eat.
2. Walking at least 45 minutes a day.
3. Posting 4 times/week.
4. Checking in on other blogs daily.
5. Forgiving myself and moving on.

What will you do to help you succeed?

These aren't for me...

So it's conference season and I've been away quite a bit. Sorry for my inconsistent posting...So how have I been doing separated from the accountability of the blogosphere? Not so hot. I actually gained a pound this week and I still need to high tail it over to Chubby Chic's to post my sad news on the Christmas Challenge page. Can't say I'm surprised given the travel, but I know that a lot of people manage to make healthy choices on the road, so no excuses!

That's not to say that I pushed my goals completely out of my mind. As a matter of fact, when I know I'm not doing what I should do, my goals are even more present in my mind than usual, constantly beating just below the surface like Poe's tell-tale heart.

That was my frame of mind when I walked into the grocery store with the express purpose of buying cookies. I'd promised to bring oatmeal cookies to a bake sale and the ones I had baked had become little ebony disks in our cheap oven. (You'd think that the thing I'd miss the most about living with my parents would be my parents, but it's actually thoughts of my mother's cookware that cause me to get all sentimental and misty eyed from time to time).

I was on my lunch and in a hurry because the first store I went to didn't have any cookies in their bakery section, so I rushed past cases of soda and displays filled with Halloween Candy and went directly to the cookies with the urgency of someone on one of those televised shopping sprees. I scooped up about five boxes in a variety of flavors and hurried to the check out.

Standing there, feeling the judgemental gazes of my fellow patrons, I began to feel self conscious about my purchases. Maybe I should have bought some apples or some broccoli to demonstrate that I had well-rounded tastes. Maybe I should have grabbed some novelty birthday hats so I could pretend that I was bringing the cookies to a party. I felt so cliche: The fat girl buying 8 dozen cookies. I was certain the woman next to me looked at her husband as if to say, "Well, no wonder why she's fat!"

I considered actually striking up a conversation with someone in line and telling them loudly about the bake sale and explaining that I'd lost 50 pounds. "Wow," they'd say, "Fifty pounds you say? That's something else. Hey Alice, this girls lost fifty pounds. We were wrong to think she's going to go sit in a closet and eat all those cookies!" Then I could nod and say, "these aren't for me."

Then I realized, I was sandwiched between a man who was literally purchasing 35 boxes of spaghetti and 12 cans of Spam and a woman who kept harassing her husband about how much she had to use the rest room, but who refused to use the bathroom 12 feet away.

"I have to piss, George. I'm going to call the manager if this kid doesn't hurry up!" she kept saying.

Why do I care what they or anyone else thinks? What does their judgement do to me? And why do I automatically assume that I'm even on their radar? Just because I'm a people watcher doesn't me everyone else is. It should be enough that I know what I've accomplished and that my body is healthier as a result. Maybe if I spent half as much time planning out my healthy choices as I do rehearsing imaginary conversations, I'd have lost weight this week!

Weigh in Day

It's weigh-in day, and sadly I haven't lost a single pound this week. I can't say that I'm shocked that I didn't lose. I went away to a conference on Thursday and Friday. I always have a blast at these things and this time was no exception.

So I overate. I'm not angry at myself, but I do think it's important for me to note that, for me, having a good time and pigging out are still incredibly entwined. I had dessert, my biggest weakness at lunch AND dinner. (Also, the university that hosted the conference is an old land grant school. They have a good agricultural program, their own dairy AND THEY MAKE THEIR OWN ICE CREAM. It's awesome stuff.)

That said, part of my challenge in the coming months will be to shift my focus from food to people. If we did a word association and you said Christmas, I would most definitely say COOKIES! If you said Thanksgiving, I would say PUMPKIN PIE. You get the gist. I need to refocus a little.

On a side note, I did get to meet some interesting folks while I was at my conference. Apparently, the university was also hosting Univ-con, a paranormal conference, at the same time. I visited information booths and learned about psychic massage, tarot cards, paranormal investigators and most interesting of all, the "phone to the dead" which supposedly would allow me to communicate with any dead person I wanted to talk to for the low low price of $90!

Also, the folks from the show Paranormal State were there. My sister was totally impressed that I got to talk to Chip Coffey, who the Univ-con attendees seemed to hold in high esteem. I'm a Ghost Hunters kind of girl, so the novelty was lost on me, though.

Following Through: STUART SMALLEY ALERT

WARNING! WARNING! STUART SMALLEYESQUE POST!

When I first started this blog, I viewed my journey to lose weight as somehow separate from the variety of neurosis and isms that I have floating around my cranium. Or, rather, I thought that fat me was making thin me miserable and if I could just unload that bitch, everything else in my life would fall into place.

I'm gradually beginning to realize how intricately related all of my issues have become. There is no good me and there is no bad me--there's just me and the woman that I want to become someday. Being overweight isn't what's standing in my way. Rather, in many ways, the weight is a symptom of a larger problem. I don't believe that's true for everyone who packs on the lbs, but it's clearly the case for me.

Over the weekend, I had an unpleasant exchange with a woman I've been collaborating with. We're working on developing a non profit that helps local children and families cope with pediatric cancer. Our interpersonal difficulties began to pop up a few months ago. My side of the story is that she's abrasive at her best and downright rancorous when she's at her worst. A lot of people move in and out of her life as a result of her attitude and she's just fine with that. When we were only friends, it wasn't such a big deal, but now that we're working together, I usually end up going home feeling incredibly angry at her.

This weekend was different, though. This time I went home angry at me. I realized that regardless of what I had convinced myself, I really wasn't following through with the commitment I'd made to our organization. Starting up a nonprofit takes an enormous amount of energy that I just wasn't putting in. The trouble is that every time I sat down to get some work done on it, I would think about old grumpy and the hurtful things she said to me, and I would feel angry and sad all over again. Thinking about it now, I realize how selfish that is. Like some kid with osteosarcoma should miss out because I'm having interpersonal issues!

The kicker is that the more I thought about it, the more I recognized that this particular situation is part of a repeating pattern in my life. I start out with an incredible amount of passion but I veer off course at the first obstacle. In this case, the obstacle is our inability to get along (which could still be a fatal difficulty).

Some other examples, (not that I think anyone needs a laundry list of my mistakes) include that I dropped out of an Ivy League college to come home because being away from my family felt like too much of a risk; I gave up on medical school because the preparation was difficult; I have left scores of novels and paintings incomplete because I was afraid they weren't good enough. In short, I've let a lot of opportunities blow away.

This is the same pattern that has been common throughout my attempts to lose weight. I start out with a lot of zeal and then I run into a holiday or event or I start obsessing over the possibility of loose skin or someone hurts me and I go looking for food. I don't follow through. The trouble is, that in this case I haven't just disappointed people who have counted on me; I've disappointed myself.

But I'm not too regretful. I may not be able to go back in time to reclaim missed opportunities and, in some cases, there's nothing I can do to repair the damage I've done to relationships that I valued. (I wish life was really like My Name is Earl).

However, there is good news. Firstly, I can recognize my self-defeating behavior for what it is. Most people never take a long hard look at themselves, so I'm fortunate that I've had an opportunity to see myself with warts and all. I don't usually get to examine my character through the lens of someone else's opinion so this has been useful even if it was painful.

Secondly, I'm fortunate that I'm not a static being. I'm capable of growth and I'm capable of change. I've demonstrated that in my weight loss over the past year. I may not have been 100% consistent in my efforts, but I've never given up on myself. This departure from what has become my status quo gives me confidence that I'll follow through this time and that I have it in me to extend this new approach to other areas of my life.

I don't know what's different now. Maybe I'm more motivated than I was--keeping a blog and reading other blogs certainly helps. Maybe it's just that I'm older or that I've grown. Whatever the reason, I have come to realize that, as Stuart Smalley would say, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it people like me.

Still Looking for My Inner Lobster

Some two years before I was born, a woman named Eda LeShan wrote a short piece for Woman's Day entitled The Risk of Growing. Eda, who was turning 59 said,


"I met an oceanographer who asked me if I knew how a lobster was able to grow bigger when it's shell was so hard...The only way, he explained, is for the lobster to shed its shell at regular intervals. When its body begins to feel cramped inside the shell, the lobster instinctively looks for a reasonably safe spot to rest while the hard shell comes off and the pink membrane just inside forms the basis of the next shell. But no matter where a lobster goes for this shedding process, it is very vulnerable. It can get tossed against a coral reef or eaten by a fish. In other words, a lobster has to risk its life in order to grow..."




When I was a girl, I felt the full force of life's possibilities. I never allowed myself to be limited by fear. I was constantly open to possibilities. It's not that growing up was easy. As an overweight child, I was teased every day and I rarely found support in my troubled family. But for me, my every day was about journeying toward the new and seeking out ways to make life more fun. I didn't conceptualize it that way, but that's just how I lived my life. I knew I was a good person and that I was smart and talented so I was confident that I would succeed. Somewhere along the line, probably in junior high, I forgot all of that and shrank back down inside of myself.


Lately, I've tried to challenge my tendency to shrink from risk. It felt like a tremendous risk putting up the current photos in my progress post. I was worried about haters and how the things they might say would hurt. I was also afraid that no one else would see a change in me. Then I thought about the lobster and realized that a fulfilling life is a series of calculated risks. I've spent too much of my life dodging negativity. I've been embarrassed so many times by people who have used various colloquialisms to poke fun at my size. But why should I be ashamed? People of character work to fortify those around them and those who feel the need to tear other people down are insecure and cruel--who cares what they think?! So I took the risk, and I'm glad I did. Thank you to those who posted encouraging feedback. Support is so important on this path and your kind words meant a lot to me.


My risk-taking attitude carried through to my mini vacation this weekend. My sister and I decided to hit the beach for a couple of days. We couldn't have asked for more beautiful weather. There really wasn't a cloud in the sky and it was beautifully sunny without being the least bit hot. Standing on the shore, feeling the water tag my feet, run away and return to tag my toes again, I felt like every wave was filling me up. I felt whole and complete and entirely comfortable within myself. Next to the ocean, I always have an understanding of the universe that seems to elude me everywhere else.


On the beach, my body image issues no longer felt significant. I wore shorts and a sleeveless shirt, which is unheard of for me, and I think I would have worn a bathing suit if I owned one. And do you know what? No one stared at my bare skin (my hello Helen arms) and no one said anything. I'm fairly confident no one even noticed. Everyone else was dedicated to enjoying their own day.


I realize that it may seem egotistical to think that others will be fixated on me, but I've had enough bad experiences to know that sometimes people are focused on others. I can only guess that such people find it too painful to be focused on themselves. But I was fearless on the beach. I didn't care. I even felt beautiful.


That said, I was also fairly uninhibited in my eating. I didn't feel out of control, but I also didn't feel the need to be too strict with myself. The night before we set out, I thought about how I would handle my vacation eating. I decided that I would enjoy myself, even if it meant that I gained a pound or two. I knew if I was too strict over my mini vacation, I might feel deprived rather than victorious. Today, I really feel refreshed and ready to get back on track and ready to take some more calculated risks.


So have you released your inner lobster lately? What risks will you take to grow today?