Taking Out John Shooter

Have you ever seen Hide and Seek or The Secret Window? (Spoiler Alert if you haven't!) In both movies, the protagonist is plagued by menacing, murderous characters who spend the lion share of the movie wreaking havoc; in both movies the protagonist discovers that he has multiple personalities and has been committing murders and creating general mayhem all by himself. In other words, the protagonist is his own worst enemy.

Sound cliche to you? Well it is for a reason. While we often think we have the best intentions for ourselves, many of us are constantly committing little acts of self sabotage and looking for John Shooter to saddle with the blame. This, I believe, is my most frequently and consequentially committed offense. Whatever the root cause of my difficulty--fear of success, failure or change--I have a tendency to stand tall in my own way and then paste an acceptable label failure. I have learned to weave such a tapestry of excuses that I am frequently left feeling blameless or even victimized.

I couldn't lose weight this week because of work or the holidays or bad weather or oral surgery or an alien invasion. The truth? I didn't lose weight because of my choices. While all of those other things may have made it more difficult to make good choices, they did not make it impossible so they can't be blamed for my setbacks. The solution for me, the way out of this mess I've made of my body, must lie in reframing my world and changing my thinking. It seems to me that I have always been the sort of person who viewed all hurdles big and small as insurmountable obstacles in my path. Within seconds of learning about a bump in the road, I've brainstormed an inclusive list of all its potential repercussions and have determined that it is impossible to proceed.

I noticed this most recently with regards to my educational goals. I am unbelievably fortunate enough to work for an employer which pays for every penny of my graduate school tuition up to six credits a semester. I've taken advantage of that and have been working to earn an MS in rehabilitation counseling for the past three years. I've worked hard and sacrificed a lot of time in my evenings to make this happen. However, I've now reached the point in my program at which, starting next week, I have to begin meeting with actual living, breathing clients and putting what I've learned to use.

While this should be an incredible moment for me, I've been absolutely petrified. I've been acting like a caged animal and have actually very seriously considered quitting graduate school or taking a semester off. I'm so painfully aware of my own shortcomings that I'm terrified that I won't be able to help people or rather that I will do some serious harm. I've been absolutely paralyzed with fear, certain that after all this time and energy, I'll discover that I don't like counseling or worst of all that I'm not capable of doing it.

However, cooped up in the house yesterday because of an ice storm, I had a lot of time to think. My first instinct was to dive into the fridge to divert my attention from my problem, but I new that would only make me feel worse. I tried to set aside my fears and consider the situation logically. After a lot of reflection, I realized the following:

1. Even if I'm not the best at counseling, I know I'll improve with a semester of supervision;
2. With a genuine interest in helping people it's unlikely that I'll be as bad as I expect;
3. Even discovering that I am incapable of being a competent counselor would be valuable because I would have an opportunity to rethink the direction of my life;
4. If I run from this now, it will just become harder to face frightening situations in the future.

I know this is exceptionally long winded, and you're probably thinking, "this is a weight loss blog; what the hell does this have to do with weight loss?" so I'll get to the point. Deconstructing my problem and looking at it logically has had an incredible calming effect and has stopped me from making a huge mistake--quitting so I won't have a chance to fail. Instead, I'm now viewing something that had so completely terrified me as a challenge that, regardless of the outcome, will make me a better woman than I am today.

I know the value of this. Being able to alter the way you think and, in doing so, alter the way you feel can give you the power to change your life. Therefore, I'm resolving to shine a light on all the dark corners of my soul and to dismantle my excuses for not losing weight and living the life I want to live!

Happy New Year

Awww! I love that new year smell. Shiny and new. Full of possibilities. Awesome!


I had a wonderful holiday but I unfortunately packed on a ton of holiday fluff. I jumped on the scale on New Years Day and discovered that I had gained a whopping 9.5 pounds. My first reaction was denial. I got off the scale and got back on. The smug little read out still said 240.0 lbs. I got off again and moved the scale. 240.0 lbs. I got off and took off my earrings and glasses. 240.0lbs.

Next, I entered the rage stage. First I became furious with my scale. Seriously, this is the first time it ever produced consistent data. Usually, a sneeze will change it by a half a pound, but in the fresh light of the New Year, my scale must have resolved to be more honest with me. I thought I could threaten it or intimidate it with curses, but it blinked those same numbers up at me without hesitation. Realizing that it was ridiculous to scream at a plastic box filled with batteries and microchips, I became enraged with my body. "9.5 pounds in like 2.5 weeks?!!! Are you shitting me?! How long would it take you to lose that much weight? AGES. The answer is AGES. But you're all to accommodating when a couple of cookies want to take up residence on my hips!! Stupid body!"

But I wasn't nearly as angry with my body and scale as I was with my family for wanting me to bake all those cookies or those bloody evil elves for bringing me good things to eat. I wanted to swing those little bastards by their tiny pointed shoes. But the truth is, I realized I can't blame other people for my actions. I think I would feel put out if the people in my life treated me different around the holidays just because I'm trying to lose weight. And what about those elves? They were just being nice. When I got the box of chocolates, it didn't say eat immediately upon opening or this box with self destruct. Instead, it provided me with nutrition information advising me of an appropriate serving size. I was the one who chose to shovel all the holiday treats in my mouth. I made the bad choices.

Then, I have to say that I felt like absolute crap. I trudged around in sweats thinking the whole world was going to point at my expanding ass. I also felt like a failure. Being 240 pounds means that I only lost a total of 6 pounds all year in 2008. I feel like I talk constantly about losing weight. I set goals and talk about the work I need to do to reach them, but then I just don't do it. I felt like a wind bag and a hypocrite.

I have reached the acceptance stage. I do talk about my weight loss goals a lot, but I never said I was perfect or even close to it. In fact, I would imagine that anyone who reads my blog expects me to skin my knees a lot on this journey. What is so beautiful about the weight loss blogging community is that while so many of you have enjoyed wonderful success, I have never once felt judged for my imperfections. Instead, I feel supported in a way that I never felt possible. Thank you to everyone who checked in to see if I fell off the face of the earth. You are all so wonderful and inspiring and it's a bright spot in my life to know that you care!

So, I'm back. I feel clear headed and actually sick of cookies for the first time in my entire life. I also feel more sure of myself and more motivated than I ever have. Sometimes, I need a fresh start. I'm looking forward to seeing what 2009 will bring.

My goal for this year is modest. I want to lose 52 pounds. 1 pound per week. I will weigh in every Sunday morning and post my results on Monday. I have no doubt that I can do it. Good luck in the New Year!