HIDE THOSE COOKIES!

Up 40...time for action!

2012-02-01T19:16:00.003-05:00

We have an incentive plan at work that seeks to encourage us to be healthy by paying us for taking certain classes or participating in certain activities. One of those activities is a weekly weigh in. I don't usually go...I pretend to have better things to do...(denial ain't just a river in Egypt) but I went today. I weigh 248 pounds. That is precisely 40 pounds more than I weighed at my lowest, which, incidentally was also one of the most stressful times of my life. Another 30 pounds and I'll be back right where I started. That seems unthinkable, but so did 40.

Tomorrow morning I am going to the gym. I have to because I need to make this year of my life different from all the others. I need it to be about action and motivation not sadness and excuses. I am going because I have to start somewhere. I am going even though I don't feel ready because I think I maybe never will. I can't wait until I'm ready to change because change is sucky and uncomfortable and will never feel right at first but it can also be wonderful, especially when I have established in months of whining that what I am doing right now does not work.

I am the captain of my soul

2012-01-30T20:48:00.002-05:00

I majored in history in college and took advantage of an accelerated program to earn a master's degree in it as well. However, as my favorite biology professor pointed out on that warm April day when I announced I was switching my major from biology to history, my university only taught, "the history of white people". (This is not the case so much today, but the department still labors under a decided eurocentricity). I loved my program and I tried to round out my world view but I missed a lot. None of my classes really touched Africa and I was too young in the 90s to pay much attention to current events, so I missed the struggles South Africa experienced during that time.

A quiet Friday night with nothing to do but be the proverbial crazy cat lady led me to rent a copy of Invictus. I didn't really know much about Nelson Mandela (indeed I don't know how much about him was fictionalized so I am remedying that by picking up some biographies) but I have to say that I was awestruck by what I did learn. It is unthinkable to me that someone could spend 27 years in prison and come out extolling forgiveness and peace. That, instead of lamenting the time lost, one could unselfishly consider the future of all.

Because I am entirely too self focused, even the story of Nelson Mandela's life makes me think of my own small struggles. I find it so amazing that he could forgive so much so readily but I find it impossible to relinquish the grudges I hold. People have not always been kind to me in my life; some people have hurt me profoundly but the grudge I keep holds the hurt inside for me alone. Those people probably do not know that I harbor the heartache that they caused, and they probably would not care if they did know. That inability to forgive is corroding me from the inside. Worse than my inability to forgive others is my inability to forgive myself.

I feel a great sense of regret when I consider how many years of his life were spent in captivity but it's painful to think of how I squander my freedom. In reality, I can do whatever I want, but I feel utterly imprisoned in a life that I find intolerable. I hate my body and my poor health. I hate my unstable financial situation. I love my friends with all my heart but I hate that they seem not to care much for me. I hate the way I spend my nights, alone in my apartment. I hate the way I am treated at work and that I do not feel my job is a challenge. I hate that I am single though I have tried very hard to meet someone. I hate the rut I have fallen into; the prison my life has begun. I am stuck between feeling I should learn to be satisfied with what I have and thinking that I should bust out of this prison while I can. I know the door is not locked but I can't even seem to find it.

In the meantime, I hope that rambling posts will help me work things out. I only know that something has to change because I have come to feel wildly, desperately unhappy. I know I am the only person who can fix that.

Christmas is Over so What's with the Reference to The Santa Clause

2012-01-16T11:20:00.005-05:00

Christmas is long over. My trees been down since December 26, I have purchased my wrapping paper for next year and tucked it away and its been weeks since a Christmas cookie has crossed my lips. It's my favorite time of year but I'm prepared to be done with the season for the next ten months. So why is it then, that everyday, I am reminded of that scene in The Santa Clause where Scott Calvin gets on the scale and the dial continues to tick upward while he's standing on it?!?! I swear, everyday I seem to weigh just a little more and everyday I find a new pair of pants that needs to go into retirement!

What's going on here? I was tempted to say that it's not my fault. I was full of alarm, thinking I had better consult with a physician right away because there was NO WAY I was culpable for this seemingly unstoppable gain. After all, I may not be hitting the gym and living on vegetables but I've abandoned my recent habit of eating Ben & Jerry's while watching Biggest Loser on demand (did I think that was an ironic statement?) so what gives. I decided to examine things a little more closely before calling my doctor and discovered that I'm consuming far too many calories every day. Big shock...excess calories cause weight gain...WOW!

I'm easing back into this thing. I downloaded the Sparkpeople ap for my iPhone and I am tracking my food now. More discussion to follow but first I have to do something about this angry red ring my pants have cut into my stomach.

2011-10-25T09:16:00.001-04:00

Via: Medical Billing And Coding

My Reappearance

2011-10-20T21:54:00.004-04:00

I have disappeared. That's evident to anyone who has checked the date on my most recent blog post, a whiny, self-indulgent complaint fest dedicated to Valentine's induced self-pity. But I've disappeared in more ways than that. I've dropped out of my life, fallen away from my goals and my interests and stepped outside of myself and into a shadowy apathy.

I have begun to understand why. I have allowed anguish to wash over me and to pull me out of the world. I have struggled with a desperation and longing that made anything else in my life seem banal. I couldn't begin to remember why I had ever cared about weight loss, my education or anything outside of my all encompassing obsession with an imperfect idol. I am only guilty of wanting something I could never have and being unable to let go of that desire. I feel like a ghost today. I have become so different from the woman who went for what she wanted and believed in her power to better her circumstances. She has dissolved in the useless tears she has shed.

Now that those tears have dried, I believe that they have left behind some trace of her that I can gradually gather and reform. I'm so tired of crying. I'm not that person or at least I never used to be. I'm ashamed that I seem to have been waiting to be fixed with the magical belief that if my one supreme prayer should be answered, everything else would fall into place. Nonsense.

I needed a wake up call. And I got it from an unexpected source...my bank. Or at least my former bank. I recently changed banks. I switched my direct deposit but never closed the old account. Apparently, my Paypal was still attached and Weight Watchers was still deducting because they didn't get the memo that I was too full of self pity to follow the program. Naturally, I received a notification when the charge bounced back and suddenly remembered who I used to be and who I still hope to become. It's true that there are things in my life that will never be the way I want them to be, people who will just never be there and things I can't have. There isn't much of which I am actually in control. However, I am in control of the decisions that I make about my body. I am ready to reclaim that power.

Thank you to everyone who has checked in with me. It means a lot that people have cared even when I found it hard to myself. You people rock my socks. Truly.

Single's Awareness Day

2011-02-12T10:18:00.004-05:00

It's finally happened. I've finally succumbed to the stereotype. I'm 28; I'm single; I'm embittered. I'm not proud of this reality but I'm starting to feel a little like the Grinch looking down from Mount Krumpit observing and helping my friends make their Valentine's plans but not having any of my own.

It grates against my feminist sensibilities to define my value in terms of my ability to find a man to love me. Similarly, I do not feel like I should feel diminished by my inability to do so. However, I get just a little touchy about it this time of year. It doesn't help that, last week, my professor in my Couple's Therapy course asked all of the people who were part of a couple to identify themselves. An island in a sea of raised hands, it was hard not to feel a little like a pariah and I went to bed wondering, "why not me?"

To make matters worse, this was the first year that I legitimately believed that I might not be alone on V-day! I've been doing the online dating thing and have met some real pervs, but I actually founds someone I really liked. He was kind, dedicated to his teaching career and super smart. We sent long, honest and deeply felt emails to each other every other day for three weeks. As silly as it sounds, I was starting to fall for the man that emerged from those communications. To my surprise, he seemed to reciprocate my feelings. I was delighted to meet him and had an amazing time on our date. I guess he didn't have a good time, though. I was crushed and consequently, I am feeling crabby about romance.

So how do I tie my whining into a blog post? I am trying my hardest not to eat my despair. It has always been a habit of mine to eat when things look grim but at a time when my self-esteem is at an all-time low, stuffing my face will only make me feel more disgusted with life. It's OK to feel like shit when life isn't going the way I planned but it's foolish to make things worse but indulging in an unhealthy pattern. Obviously, I can't choose what happens to me, but I can chose how I react to it.

So how will I react? I have no plans tonight. The rest of the world does. So I am going to the gym. I am making myself a healthy dinner and I am renting a movie. I will do my very best to have a Happy SAD!

I know life should be about celebrating and happiness will find me when

Moving in the Right Direction

2009-08-13T11:54:00.002-04:00

Progress this week was slower than I would have liked. I lost a half a pound, which brought me down to 226.0. At least I'm moving in the right direction.

At first, I blamed my cousins wedding on Saturday for the slow down. But honestly, just how evil is one slice of wedding cake. I didn't have any alcohol and I ate sensibly at dinner. I went back and reviewed my food journal and found that I had eaten much more than I should have almost every day last week. I didn't binge like I used to in days of old. Just knowing I have to write my food down prevents that, but I wasn't as controlled as I would have liked.

So I'm shaking things up a little. I'm making it my policy to only eat something after I've written it down. This will force me to see the numbers and make a more informed choice.

Life is good. The weight is coming off. I just need to tweak my approach.

Don't Wait to Feel Beautiful

2009-08-04T13:44:00.003-04:00

Monday was the first weigh in for August and I'm happy to report that I'm down another 1.5 pounds to 226.5. I can hardly believe that I might actually see the 210s by the end of summer. I don't know when I saw them last. Senior year of high school? Maybe.

I'm running out of clothes that fit. I bought four new pairs of pants for work, which was a painfully expensive and impossibly irritating (thanks to vanity sizing) proposition, but I have precious else that doesn't hang off. This is a nice problem to have, but it's a problem nonetheless. I complained about it to my mother. I told her that I was an 18 on the bottom and an 14/16-18 on the top (I'm a pear). She told me to come over and she could hook me up.

Let's rewind about four years. Back then, my mother was a little thinner than she is today (like so many of us). I used to make any excuse to buy her clothes, lovely clothes that I didn't think I had a right to wear. Pretty feminine things that I thought should never come in my size. I bought her matching shoes and purses, skirts and floaty shirts. I bought her things I always dreamed of wearing. She always looked beautiful in them. I called her my life-size Barbie, and while I loved that she had nice things to wear, I always felt sad that I could never look the way she did.

When I went to my mother's house this weekend, she brought me upstairs to her closet and started to pull out the lovely skirts and blouses. I said, "Whoa, these are too small." She said, "I bet they fit." I selected an outfit that used to be my favorite. I slid up the skirt and was surprised that it zipped. I pulled on the blouse and looked in the mirror. I thought I'd be squeezing out all over the place. I thought I would wish I was wearing Spanx. I thought I would be too embarrassed to let my mother see me, but, for the first time in my entire life, I felt pretty in an outfit. A feminine outfit. When my mother saw me, she cried.

The crazy thing is that in when I was a sophomore in high school, I only weighed 165 pounds. I was at least 60 pounds lighter than I am today. I don't have any pictures from that time. I avoided cameras at all costs, but I had mirrors. I never saw anything I liked looking back at me. I don't remember looking anything but obese. I never felt pretty and now, I can't even picture what I looked like at that weight.

Because of the way I felt about my body even when I was much thinner, I didn't have any hope that I would ever lose enough weight to feel pretty. That wasn't the goal; my health was the goal. Here I am, far short of my goal and miles away from the size 12 jeans I wore as a sophomore and I like what I see. I feel lovely. Maybe no one else (besides my mom) thinks I am. Maybe no one else ever will, but that doesn't matter. Only the way I feel counts.

There is no right size. There is no perfect weight. Don't wait to feel beautiful.

Woohoo!

2009-07-24T09:53:00.004-04:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks, but I've been maintaining my discipline. My hard work has paid off in a big way. As of Monday, I'm down another 4.5 pounds, which means that I'm finally down my 50 pounds!!! I couldn't be happier.

This week has presented some dietary challenges. I ate dinner with my parents on Wednesday. Fried chicken was on the menu. Luckily, I brought my food scale and measured out 3oz than ate that plus a plate full of vegetables. Yesterday, we had a friend over for a Christmas in July celebration. I didn't give into temptation quite as much as I do on real Christmas, but I still wasn't at my best. I brought all the leftovers into the office today so I wouldn't be tempted by baked goods tonight.

I'm trying to be realistic going into Monday's weigh in. I'm hoping to lose 0.5 pounds. I know that whenever I lose a lot one week, I usually lose less the next, so I'm not expecting a ton of progress.

Monday Weigh In

2009-07-08T13:29:00.003-04:00

I hope everyone is having a smashing week. Mine's going great, but things are hectic, which is why I'm posting the results of my Monday weigh in on a Wednesday. I guess I'm not the most disciplined blogger...

Anyway, the scale read 231.5 which means that I'm down another 1.5 pounds and am only 3.5 from my original 50. I was super psyched to have a loss after my dissappointing weigh in the previous Monday but part of me imagined that I would lose more than usuall because I felt like the scale totally owed me. Any loss is good, though!

I've been meaning to reflect on how different life has been these past 37 days. I've been thinking a lot about how I'm different and how I keep changing in ways big and small. I will do all of that soon. But right now, I think I should just be proud that I'm continuing to lose and that I'm making some time to post the results!

A Case of the Moooondays

2009-06-29T12:36:00.002-04:00

It's Groundhog Day. I got on the scale this morning and it said 233.0 which means a total change of zilch this week. I was a little taken aback because I didn't expect to hit a bump so soon. In the past when I've "plateaued" it's always actually been because I wasn't being honest. I was telling myself that I was "dieting" but I was really eating cake or not measuring my food or something like that.

This week was different. By the numbers (calories in/out) I should have lost 2.24 pounds this week. This just shows what an inexact science this is (or does it have to do with my nutritional deficiencies that I mentioned in my last post?). I guess that sometimes you can do the right thing and get garbage results.

Another time, I would have thrown my hands up and hightailed it to the nearest bakery for some baklava. This time, I'm giving my body more time. I know that if I stick with it, I have to lose weight eventually. That's just the way it is. At least, even if I didn't lose weight, I grew stronger in the habits that will help me reach my goal. A week spent remaking myself is well spent.

Here's to a healthier week!

Feeling the Difference

2009-06-25T08:00:00.001-04:00

Since I rededicated myself on June 1, I've challenged myself to go beyond just counting calories to focus on nutrition. There are a lot of great nutrition tracking websites out there; as I mentioned before, I've been using SparkPeople. I've tracked every bite I've taken and tried to stay within my calorie range. I've been trying to make sure I get the right amount of water, fiber, protein, fat and carbohydrates.

I honestly always felt like people who said good nutrition made them feel better were full of crap. I thought it was just one of the lies people told themselves when they can no longer cram pizza in their mouths. I imagined that the deprivation had made them delirious or something. That's why I was surprised that I actually did feel better after I started trying to eat healthier. I had way more energy, didn't feel half as bitchy as usual and felt more clear headed and focused. However, I denied that this could be a nutrition thing until this week.

It's been a busy week for me and I've felt like I was constantly rushing so I could fall behind. I've remained disciplined about tracking and exercising and I haven't gone over my calorie allowance once this week, but a lot of calorie dense, nutrient poor foods have creeped into my diet. I honestly think that there's room in my diet for a cookie a day or a half a cup of frozen yogurt, but this week, junk food has taken up at least a third of my calories. This means I'm not leaving enough room for real nutrition and to tell the truth, I've really felt the differnce. I've been dragging and I've found it so much harder to get through my day.

Today I'm back to a focus on real nutrition. I'm worth the effort it takes to plan and I'm craving that energy.

Weekly Weigh In

2009-06-22T23:16:00.002-04:00

New weight: 233

Change: -2.0!

Sorry about the short post. It's late and I'm exhausted but I wanted to check in.

There's Never a Good time

2009-06-15T16:10:00.002-04:00

In 2007 I lost about thirty pounds. It's the same thirty pounds that I've kept off through holidays, and tough semesters and Ben and Jerry's pittyfests. I lost it when I was really scared for my health and had three miraculous, stress free months during which to focus myself.

But then in the fall of that year, a long brewing problem with my parents blew up. Things got bad and I needed to find a new place to live in a hurry. It's not that it wasn't about time I was out on my own, but it was the way it happened and the terrible hurt it created that set me back. I gave myself permission to stop trying "for now" and went back to the chocolate chip self medicating.

Then Christmas of that year came and I was stressed out about the rift in my family that continued throughout the holidays. I just couldn't diet then! Then in January, my cat died and I was devastated. How could I say no to pizza? Then I had a tough semester. Then I went on a conference. Then I took a summer class. Then I was robbed. Then more conferences, holidays, heartaches; then more challenges with grad school and work. Then I had a car accident. Then I bought a new car. Then someone hit my new car.

The point of my list of major stressors is not that I want sympathy. In fact, if this was a contest, I bet that each of you could come up with a list that would put mine to shame. Actually, my point is that easing my expectations of myself seemed to make sense each time. It seemed like a smart idea to wait for a "good time". Why complicate life? What I didn't realize until recently is that there will never be a good time. That's life. There will always be some drama and heartache and if I only use the times in between to work toward my goals, I'll never reach them.

That's why, even though I'm in class five hours a day after work this month, I recommitted myself to my weight loss efforts on June 1st. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. I wanted to tell all of those people who checked in on me while I was waiting for the "right time" these past three or four months that I was back, that I missed them too and I was ready to do it this time, but I thought it might sound hollow after all of my past false starts. I needed the words to be 100% true and I needed to have some success under my belt.

So I'm back and am officially on my 17th day of badass discipline. I'm tracking every last bite and sip on SparkPeople and I'm making exercise a priority. I'm staying within a calorie range of 1600-1950 which is allowing me to lose weight at a modest pace without turning into a chocolate craving beast.

How am I doing? I started the month hanging my head at 243 lbs. I had gained some wait while I was waiting for life to be perfect. I weigh in on Mondays, and this Monday I was at 235.0 lbs. This time around, I am focusing on nutrition: getting a balance of fiber, protein, carbs and fat. I'm eating enough fruits and vegetables and drinking enough water. And you know what? I feel amazing. I have so much energy. Normally, I would be dragging myself through class, but I feel energized and purposeful. So really, by rededicating myself, I've turned this into the "right time" for positive change.

So don't wait! Come with me if you haven't started yet. We'll weather this together and come out happy and better able to handle those bumps in the road. If you've been going strong, thanks for blazing the trail. I've been so inspired by so many of you along the way.

Weigh In!

2009-02-25T12:43:00.004-05:00

I'm late again. I won't even bother with the cute graphic. I weighed in (on Sunday--I can't believe how long it took me to log in and report it) and the scale said 237 and I said "thanks, scale." That's down .5 pounds from the previous week.

Considering that I didn't get my butt in gear until my somewhat whiny post from late in the week, I'm really happy with .5 pounds. Considering the damage I could have done, I'm glad to have a loss to report.

I appreciated the support and advice I got from Bloggerland. You'll be pleased to know that I was super motivated after my last post. I've been tracking every last bite of food on The DailyPlate. Thanks to those who suggested it! I love seeing what percentage of my calories I've eaten and it helps to know if 75% of my calories have come from fat! It's really keeping me honest and giving me some good insight on this process.

I've also been working out a lot. I'm still on a fitness team where I work and I'm pretty proud to say that we're kicking a lot of butt. Presently, we are in 4th place out of over 100 teams and we're .2 points away from third. I've never realized how competitive I can be, but I'm not about to question a good thing. I'm just glad I found some additional motivation to move.

Processing the Problem

2009-02-19T12:25:00.003-05:00

Thanks to all who commented in response to my post yesterday. I appreciate all the advice and tough love that came my way. I really needed a kick in the pants and some tips and I knew I could count on my blog buddies.

I wish that keeping junk food out of the house was an option for me. I live with my sister who is most definitely not on the same page as I am. She's shorter and is carrying a little more weight than I am. She also faces a lot of the same potential health problems as I do since we both come from a long line of tpe II diabetics and have a very strong family history of heart disease. However, while I bite my nails considering what could happen if I don't change my ways, she maintains a belief in her own invincibility that is as zealous as it is foolhardy. She loves fried food and chocolate and dammit, that's what she's going to eat.

I've said before that it wouldn't be so hard to change if I was living with someone who's not on the same page as I am, but the trouble is that she's reading a whole other book. She resists the changes I'm trying to make in my own life. She scrunches her nose about my attempts to eat healthier and she pressures me to eat things I shouldn't eat. I mean really pressures me. Last night, for example, she got out the Pazcki. She held the box under my nose and I said no thank you.

"Why?"

"Because I don't want one."

"Sure you do, they're good. I'll get you a plate. Here eat it."

I resisted and resisted and got angry and gave in. I wasn't hungry. I didn't want it. But I ate it. I was so disgusted with myself that I cried. I don't know why I couldn't find the strength to walk away. Afterwards, I confronted my sister about being a food pusher and she defended herself by saying that she didn't make me eat it. This was very true and I know that the responsibility for my decisions rests with me alone. Why shouldn't it? It's my knees that have to carry around the extra weight. But I haven't been feeling strong lately and living with someone who is threatened by the changes I'm trying to make makes life really difficult.

So keeping foods I have difficulty resisting out of the house isn't really an option and I obviously can't count on my sister to be supportive enough to keep her assorted goodies out of my sight, so I need to find a way around this barrier.

Ria's suggestion about journaling everything I ate struck a chord with me, mostly because I felt so repelled by the idea. My reaction seemed odd to me. I know it's good advice. In the times in my life when I've dropped weight, before my recent slow down, I always tracked what I ate. So why was I so resistant to it now? I think part of me is in denial. I recently read a post by Chubby Chick in which she talked about the fact that she was angry that she can't eat like a "normal person" and that her desire to be "normal" has quite ironically contributed to a 100 pound gain in the last 2 years. Her anger really resonated with me. I wish that eating properly could just be second nature for me. I wish that I didn't have to think about it. If I write everything I eat, I'm acknowledging that I must be constantly mindful. But not writing down points or calories, not acknowledging what I eat and how much of it I eat won't negate the consequences of all my munching. It will just enable me to avoid responsibility and awareness and will lead to unpleasant surprises and ultimately a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. I'm tired of that feeling. There may be a time in my life when I can "eat like a normal person" without measuring and counting, but as Yoda said, "you must unlearn what you have learned" before you can adopt a new way of being. ("Try not. Do or do not. There is no try." Might also be an appropriate Yodaism at this point.)

So thanks, Ria. It should have been so second nature for me to decide to return to recording what I eat, but it wasn't; I really needed someone to say it!

In addition, I think I can work to combat the temptation of living with a food pusher by being better prepared. I'm going to try to be proactive and have healthier options that we both like. The theory here is that she will buy less garbage and if she does try to push something that will break my day, I can have something else to turn to to stave off temptation. I've been kicking around some options. Sugar free Jell-O is like a Godsend. With only 10 calories a serving, I can turn to it when I'm having a sweet craving without feeling guilty. I also find the sugar free pudding helpful for the same reason. Fresh berries feel like a splurge since I'm on a budget, but they also make a delicious dessert when I mix them with fat free vanilla yogurt. Finally, I'm really digging on sorbet and No Pudge brownies. I just need to stock my shelves with these items as defense against all the other crap I might consider putting into my body.

Any way, that's where my head's at today. I'm journaling every bite and have been strong enough to resist the brownies in the office. I'm planning a walk on lunch though I'd much rather curl up and read.

Thank you all for being my Yodas!

Weigh in

2009-02-17T13:58:00.004-05:00

I'm late! I'm late! I know I usually check in on Mondays, but I'm running late this week. At least I have some good news to report! The scale said 237.5 which means I'm down 1 pound.

I have to confide that am having some difficulty lately, though. You could probably guess by watching me lose and gain the same 5 pounds for the last few months. It's hard for me to name my difficulty. This whole thing should just be so simple. Don't eat too much, don't gain weight. I know what I'm supposed to do and I start of doing it, but then there's some part of me that convinces myself to make bad choices. It's like I bump my head and get temporary amnesia. Sometimes when I'm staring at a plate of cookies, I don't even have an internal struggle going on. I don't think, "these are the pros and cons of scarfing that cookie." Instead I think, "Lalalalalal....oooh look a cookie. I've been good today" even if I haven't, or "those are only like 1 point, I can eat 6."

I don't even know how to begin to combat this. I've often wished I could hire someone to follow me around and give me a jolt of electricity or a slap or something just so I'll THINK before I make a bad decision. Because that's the problem, I don't even think, I just inhale. But I know that I need to learn to make good choices on my own and even in the face of serious temptation.

This weekend I struggled with that problem (despite my reasonably good news on the scale) and if I tried to estimate how much I'd eaten, I probably wouldn't even come close. I don't know how to explain it. It's like I go temporarily insane and start munching. I can chock some of it up to mindlessness which could be avoided if I hadn't had a bowl of candy on the coffee table (I know, DUH!). I also think some of it was slipping into old comfortable habits because I was upset about/with my parents.

The good news is that these bouts of insanity don't last nearly as long as they used to. Before I began this process, they would last days, weeks or months. I was surrounded by people who were doing the same thing so it seemed OK. I need to get past this so that I can move on. If I eat chocolate cake, I want it to be because I thought it over and decided it was worth it, not because I didn't think at all.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Any suggestions of what I can do? I'm so tired of constantly being on a diet but never achieving my goals and I would really love some advice.

Movin' and Shakin'

2009-02-13T12:18:00.005-05:00

It's been a super busy week, but I've really committed myself to activity. I don't know how the scale will react this week, but I do know that I'm proud of the way I've juggled my schedule.

Part of the reason that I've been able to be more active this week is that I've been flexible and creative. With class or meetings far into the evening, I knew that there was no way I would hit the gym or do a ton once I got home. I tried to get in a nice long, brisk walk on my lunch hour most days this week. I've also taken advantage of the little opportunities for activity. If something needed delivered, I did it myself instead of asking one of our assistance to do it. If I needed to talk to a coworker, I went to their office instead of calling or emailing. I parked further from the building than I normally do and I made an effort to take the stairs.

I also took advantage of fitness activities at work. Specifically, I made an appointment to try out the Wii Fit for the first time. I got a half hour to play around with it and had a really great time. I tried skiing, hula hooping and running. It was so much fun, I forgot that I was exercising! I wish I had an opportunity to do more with it, but it's definitely out of my price range right now.

I know that loosing weight will involve sustained physical exertion, not just taking the stairs or parking at the opposite end of the lot. However, in a week where time is limited, "all or nothing" thinking can be really damaging. All those little calories that I burn will add up, but if I think that if I can't spend an hour exercising, I shouldn't bother, than I'm going to have a very sedentary week. Instead, I sought out opportunities to move. I feel like I'm managing my stress level really well despite some really heavy family difficulty and extra pressures at work. I really attribute my improved coping skills to my boost in activity.

So my message today is JUST MOVE. Even if you only have ten minutes to spare today, take a quick jog or walk. Try out a new activity or do some quick sculpting exercises. Put on some upbeat music and dance or try out Wii Fit (so awesome!). Whatever you do, make it a good weekend!

Movin' and Shakin'

2009-02-13T12:18:00.001-05:00

Weekly Weigh In

2009-02-09T14:24:00.002-05:00

I was procrastinating writing this post, but I'm committed to being accountable to myself and to the people who support me. So here it is: I'm up 0.5 pounds this week.

I could over think this and brainstorm the reasons for my non stellar week, but I'm not going to. It's just going to be the same issues that I face all the time. I didn't do what I needed to do. I wasn't active and I didn't always eat what I was supposed to eat. I didn't binge; I wasn't completely off the wagon, but I ate to much and moved way too little.

For a minute after I got on the scale, I kind of freaked out. I started doing that mental math that gets me into so much trouble. How much do I have to lose this week to stay on track? But I stopped myself. My goal is still 1 pound. Totally doable.

To get me there, I'm going to try to be more mindful of my goal this week. I'll do this by blogging, reading other blogs and recording every bite I take. I'm also going to focus more on exercise. I've joined a fitness challenge at work. I'm on a team so I know I'll work harder because I don't want to let my coworkers down.

Finally, while my blog is called Hide Those Cookies I actually very infrequently request that my loved ones hide food from me. I feel like I need to learn to make good choices in the presence of temptation. However, this week, I'm making it easier on myself. I'm having my roomie stash all the good stuff so I can't even feel tempted to chow down.

I hope everyone had a good week!

Weekly Weigh In: Down 1 pound

2009-02-03T08:39:00.003-05:00

The scale says 237 so that must mean I'm down 1 pound. I pretty glad about that. Slow and steady and all that jazz.

Things are somewhat hectic, but I wanted to check in lest everyone think I chucked my scale out the window. I'll write a more substantial post soon.

Have a great day!

Taking Out John Shooter

2009-01-29T10:24:00.001-05:00

Have you ever seen Hide and Seek or The Secret Window? (Spoiler Alert if you haven't!) In both movies, the protagonist is plagued by menacing, murderous characters who spend the lion share of the movie wreaking havoc; in both movies the protagonist discovers that he has multiple personalities and has been committing murders and creating general mayhem all by himself. In other words, the protagonist is his own worst enemy.

Sound cliche to you? Well it is for a reason. While we often think we have the best intentions for ourselves, many of us are constantly committing little acts of self sabotage and looking for John Shooter to saddle with the blame. This, I believe, is my most frequently and consequentially committed offense. Whatever the root cause of my difficulty--fear of success, failure or change--I have a tendency to stand tall in my own way and then paste an acceptable label failure. I have learned to weave such a tapestry of excuses that I am frequently left feeling blameless or even victimized.

I couldn't lose weight this week because of work or the holidays or bad weather or oral surgery or an alien invasion. The truth? I didn't lose weight because of my choices. While all of those other things may have made it more difficult to make good choices, they did not make it impossible so they can't be blamed for my setbacks. The solution for me, the way out of this mess I've made of my body, must lie in reframing my world and changing my thinking. It seems to me that I have always been the sort of person who viewed all hurdles big and small as insurmountable obstacles in my path. Within seconds of learning about a bump in the road, I've brainstormed an inclusive list of all its potential repercussions and have determined that it is impossible to proceed.

I noticed this most recently with regards to my educational goals. I am unbelievably fortunate enough to work for an employer which pays for every penny of my graduate school tuition up to six credits a semester. I've taken advantage of that and have been working to earn an MS in rehabilitation counseling for the past three years. I've worked hard and sacrificed a lot of time in my evenings to make this happen. However, I've now reached the point in my program at which, starting next week, I have to begin meeting with actual living, breathing clients and putting what I've learned to use.

While this should be an incredible moment for me, I've been absolutely petrified. I've been acting like a caged animal and have actually very seriously considered quitting graduate school or taking a semester off. I'm so painfully aware of my own shortcomings that I'm terrified that I won't be able to help people or rather that I will do some serious harm. I've been absolutely paralyzed with fear, certain that after all this time and energy, I'll discover that I don't like counseling or worst of all that I'm not capable of doing it.

However, cooped up in the house yesterday because of an ice storm, I had a lot of time to think. My first instinct was to dive into the fridge to divert my attention from my problem, but I new that would only make me feel worse. I tried to set aside my fears and consider the situation logically. After a lot of reflection, I realized the following:

Even if I'm not the best at counseling, I know I'll improve with a semester of supervision;
With a genuine interest in helping people it's unlikely that I'll be as bad as I expect;
Even discovering that I am incapable of being a competent counselor would be valuable because I would have an opportunity to rethink the direction of my life;
If I run from this now, it will just become harder to face frightening situations in the future.

I know this is exceptionally long winded, and you're probably thinking, "this is a weight loss blog; what the hell does this have to do with weight loss?" so I'll get to the point. Deconstructing my problem and looking at it logically has had an incredible calming effect and has stopped me from making a huge mistake--quitting so I won't have a chance to fail. Instead, I'm now viewing something that had so completely terrified me as a challenge that, regardless of the outcome, will make me a better woman than I am today.

I know the value of this. Being able to alter the way you think and, in doing so, alter the way you feel can give you the power to change your life. Therefore, I'm resolving to shine a light on all the dark corners of my soul and to dismantle my excuses for not losing weight and living the life I want to live!

Weekly Weigh In: Blah

2009-01-26T10:03:00.003-05:00

I wasn't surprised in the least when I hopped on the scale to see that I hadn't lost a blessed pound all week. Most people would enjoy a boost to their progress if they were unable to consume solid food, but I think it's obvious that I'm not most people.

The trouble is that since Wednesday, I've been either asleep on the couch or asleep in bed and I've essentially eaten whatever people brought to me without question. Apparently, Vicodin and I don't mix (I don't know how you do it, Dr. House...) and I'm glad to be back in my routine and able to trade the hard stuff for plain ibuprofen.

I'm still not quite on solid foods. I really appreciate the suggestions people have left in the comments and am glad to have options that don't include ice cream and tomato soup. Thanks for sharing your ideas and lending support.

In the past, this would be a dangerous time for me. It takes so little to break down the healthy habits that I've established. Another time, I would probably think, "what's one more day" and put off my return to healthy eating indefinitely. As it is, sugar seems to scramble my brain cells and erase my memory. It makes it easy for me to forget how great I feel when I'm doing what's right for me. Keeping this blog won't let me forget and reading your blogs and comments won't either.

If I am to succeed, I need to be able to remember that when I slip up, I don't start over tomorrow, I start over right now. In fact, I don't need to restart. That suggests that I stopped in the first place. I just need to continue and to shake off a hiccup in an otherwise successful process. So back on track and hoping for a loss this week!

The Oral Surgery Blues

2009-01-23T12:55:00.003-05:00

I've probably mentioned before that I have braces. I got them in the summer as part of my effort to start putting myself first. I've long been self conscious about my smile and finally got the nerve up to take the plunge in June.

It actually hasn't been so bad except that it takes me a ton of time to get my teeth clean between meals. My treatment has been progressing well, so on Wednesday, it was time to get some oral surgery. My two top adult incisors never came down, so doc had to go in and make them. The woman who made my appointment convinced me I wouldn't need anesthesia. She said, "seven-year-olds get this done with Novocaine all the time!" I acquiesced.

What I didn't realize was that the bone in a seven-year-old's face is much softer and peels away from the teeth easily. However, once I hit my twenties, everything hardened up. Consequently, I laid in the chair for three hours while doc ground down my bone with a drill and said that in twenty years he'd never seen such badly impacted teeth. Awesome.

Days later, I'm still in a lot of pain. I can eat solid foods, but since I also had to have two bicuspids removed from the bottom, eating is complicated. I'm finding that tomato soup and sugar free jello cups aren't doing much to fill me up and I'm struggling to resist an ice cream binge.

I'm also on Vicodin which is making me incredibly loopy and tired so I'm cutting this short. I hope everyone has a great weekend! And just a word of advice: if you're an otherwise healthy adult getting oral surgery, spring for the anesthesia!

Post Work Out Munchies

2009-01-20T09:30:00.000-05:00

I first decided that I really wanted to lose weight when I was about sixteen and around 80 pounds lighter than I am today. I had known I was fat since a boy told me so on the playground many moons earlier, but I had always shrugged my shoulders assuming it was out of my hands. Being a sophomore in high school changed everything. I could see prom looming before me, and knew I needed to drop some serious lbs if I didn't want to go alone.

I didn't know the first thing about diet and nutrition and wasn't really sure how to learn. My textbooks for health class just talked about the food pyramid, but I had a feeling that eating 6-11 servings of bread a day was not going to be to my advantage. I decided to start exercising because that's what all the skinny people I knew did. I was in terrible shape, but the concept of building up my fitness level escaped me. I set my alarm for 6:00 am and took off for a run. Each time I would be out of breath and weezing by the time I made half a block; I'd be on my way home after a single loop around. Regardless of how little I did, I would come home as hungry as a grizzly and set to dismantling the fridge. Needless to say, I didn't stick with it and I actually finished the summer discouraged and much heavier.

Part of the reason I got into this mess in the first place is that I have long harbored the belief that working out gives me the right to eat pie. Lately, I've been going to the gym. It's just been too cold for my usual walk. I despise the gym with every fiber of my being. I hate the treadmill, elliptical and bike. It's incredibly boring, but I've been doing it and really pushing myself. The downside is that I come back to my office absolutely ravenous. If I don't eat my lunch before I go, I don't have the energy to push myself, but if I do eat it before I go, I'm starving for the rest of the day. How am I supposed to keep the Goulets away? Any ideas on what I should eat before or after a work out? I'm open to suggestions that won't send me rummaging through the fridge.

Weekly Weigh In: Right on Track

2009-01-19T09:05:00.000-05:00

I'm down another pound today which means I'm still right on track. I have to keep reminding myself that. I have to stress patience. I'm happy to be on track. If I continue on this way, I'll reach Onderland by the time I'm picking out my Halloween Costume and remembering my messy break up with Jack.

I've felt so incredibly strong these last few weeks. Which is one of the great things about having a blog. If I didn't constantly pour out my life to the Internet, I would never remember that things haven't been all roses. I feel this great today because I've pushed through some incredibly strong cravings and I've worked really hard to forge healthier habits. I've had the same temptations that I battled all year last year, but this time I'm finding ways to overcome.

I've completely avoided eating out this year, but my sister and I promised to take my grandmother out for her seventieth birthday. We let her choose out of any restaraunt in the area and she decided on her favorite Chinese buffett. Grand. In the past, trips to Chinese would mean plates of golden fried chicken smothered in sweet and sour sause, mounds of pork fried rice and vegetable lo mein and at least a dozen crispy cheese wonton. I thought it would be my undoing, especially since it was the night before my weigh in. However, I felt determined to succeed. I took just enough to taste of the things I love on a plate and then filled another with delicious fruit. I felt satisfied because I got the chance to have a bite of my favorites, but really successful because I didn't pig out.

February through May will be really hectic for me. I have my fulltime job (or at least I hope I still will), classes, and at least eight hours a week of supervised counseling practice (which means I'm almost done with my degree, YIPPEE!). I can either struggle during that time and lose and gain the same five pounds over and over or come out much closer to my goal. There will ALWAYS be obstacles. I don't live on The Ranch with Jillian and Bob. I need to make sound choices in the real world no matter what's going on in my life. It really is a struggle for my life and I know it's worthwhile.

Fake it Till You Make It

2009-01-14T12:15:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I read a success story or a weight loss blog or talk to a person who's dropped six dress sizes I'm so driven to lose weight that I feel like I have super powers. Who's that on the treadmill? Is it superwoman? Is it an Olympic athlete? No, it's just me. Able to resist cake no matter how many times it's offered. Able to get off the couch even when there's something great on TV. Able to cook a nutritious dinner instead of ordering pizza.

I don't have many days like that and so I shouldn't be surprised that yesterday was definitely not a super hero day. It's been cold enough here to freeze the...well, you get it--it's been cold! I didn't even want to get out of bed. I didn't want to eat my egg whites and turkey sausage for breakfast; I wanted a donut or two (or eighteen). Once I got to work, part of me was convinced that the chocolate cake across the hall would help me make it through the day. I thought, "if I have just a small piece, I'll be motivated to continue my diet." I wasn't able to work out on lunch like I usually do and when I got home I thought about just taking the day off from exercise. In fact, I was pretty married to the idea. I had planned to bake flounder, but I had this great coupon for pizza that was set to expire. It's like I was meant to have pizza last night.

All day long, I kept reminding myself how much I wanted this. I kept visualizing the moment I'll step on the scale and see 199 flashing up as if blowing kisses. I tried to engage in positive self talk, but I just couldn't make my heart listen to what my mind has known forever. I kept thinking things like, "but I've failed so many times before. Why should I think this time will be different? I'm going to be losing and gaining the same five pounds forever. This is so out of my control." In a nut shell, I was incredibly and apparently irreversibly unmotivated.

But while this kind of negative vibe would normally send me diving in front of the TV with a tub of ice cream, a voice in my head kept saying, "while you may not remember it right now, you want and need to succeed at this more than anything else in the world." So I quit complaining and ate my eggs and ignored the chocolate cake. I baked the fish and rode my exercise bike. I did it sans motivation and I hated every single second of it.

Do you know what I discovered when I woke up this morning? The world continued to turn without cake and pizza and hours on the couch and it seemed like a decidedly brighter place. I discovered that by winning the moment yesterday, I generated my very own motivation for today. I did. Me. I created that spark for which I usually look to other people. I have to say that it feels pretty damn good.

Here's to a day of continued strength! Here' to being your own super hero!

Mary Lou's Weigh

2009-01-13T15:15:00.002-05:00

When the folks at Mary Lou's Weigh asked me to check out their weight loss platform, I clicked on over to their site and was instantly struck by how Seinfeldesque it seemed. Initially, I thought a scale that doesn't weigh you is a lot like a show about nothing, but I'm always up for something new, so I was glad to give it a try. Here's the low down.

What it is and how it works

Mary Lou's Weigh is a weight loss product endorsed by 80's Olympic gymnast, Mary Lou Retton. The program centers around a weight loss platform which is meant to forever replace the bathroom scale in your life. The platform won't tell you what you weigh. Rather, it records a starting weight in its memory and then reports how much you've lost or gained from that starting weight. It's meant to be used daily and in conjunction with a tips booklet and the Mary Lou's Weigh website. The platform reports progress and celebrates and encourages in the bubbly voice of Mary Lou Retton herself.

The Positive

I wasn't sure how I felt about the concept of never knowing exactly how much I weigh. It's not as if I feel entirely consumed with the numbers on the scale, but I find the awful truth to be the best motivator. However, I've know a lot of people who really wanted to lose weight but never had the courage to step on the scale. Those numbers can be daunting, especially if it's been a while. Without a way to quantify progress, it can be difficult to know if you're efforts are producing good results. You can certainly use the fit of your clothes or improved fitness as benchmarks, but knowing exactly how well you've done can be very reaffirming. Also, I've noticed that it can sometimes take a pretty significant gain before I notice it in my clothes. I'd rather not chance it. This product provides an opportunity to measure success even if you're not quite ready to know your weight.

I found the product to be very user friendly. It can store information for two users. I tapped the left button and waited to be prompted to step on. In a few moments some fairly cheesy music played and informed me that my starting weight had been recorded. Easy. All I had to do was tap that button, weight to be prompted and get on every morning. As a plus, the volume is adjustable so if you'd rather Mary Lou didn't announce your progress to the entire house, you can turn it down.

The literature that comes with the platform provides a quick read with good solid tips and motivation which can help people get ramped up to start making healthy changes. It also comes with a DVD to provide additional help.

I believe that some people may feel inspired by Mary Lou Retton and may find her messages motivating and helpful. I was too young when she won gold to remember much about her now, but I understand that she was a symbol of perseverance and achievement for many. Even if you don't know who she is or identify with her past, her tone is positive and upbeat. Therefore, this gets slotted under the positives.

The Negative

On the flip side of the to know or not to know debate, you might argue that if you're not ready to face that number on the scale, you're not ready to change your life. I talked to women in my office and a number of them said that it would be too easy to deny their weight issues if they didn't have to know precisely how much they weighed. Others thought this would be freeing and wonderful. I'm interested in hearing what other people think, so weigh in (pun intended) in the comments if you'd like.

The platform automatically sets losing ten pounds as the same first goal for everyone. I feel like that's a mistake. People who lose weight slowly and require gratification to stay on track may get discouraged and give up because even ten pounds seems unattainable. Others may not actually need to lose ten pounds. This is a minor issue, though, since most people would probably set independent goals.

Only two people can use the platform. That's not an issue for me, but it's a negative nonetheless. Additionally, because it only reports results audibly, it won't be useful for the hearing impaired.

While I placed the fact that the scale reports progress in Mary Lou Retton's voice as a positive, I also need to be fair and balanced and place it in the negative. Some people that I talked to said that they'd take the bridge if they had to listen to Mary Lou's perkiness every morning and they were irritated by the prospect of someone as petite as she is overseeing their weight loss, even if it is only virtually. So if your kind of grouchy or if perkiness makes you want to drive a fork into your eye, then this product isn't for you.

While the website offers recipes, the platform doesn't really come with any nutrition plan. Therefore, it's only one tool in a weight loss toolbox. It could be a much more comprehensive product if it provided nutritional information on weight loss and not just a way to measure it after the fact.

Overall, this seems like an interesting approach to weight loss. I can see that it could be very helpful and I appreciate that it doesn't pretend to be for everyone. In the end, I went back to my scale. I felt the need to know the number, not just to measure my success but also because I post specific relevant stats here on my blog. Don't let my experience be your final word, though. If you're interested you can click on over to the Mary Lou's Weigh website and check out a complete product description as well as some success stories and videos featuring the product.

Weekly Weigh In: Down 1 pound

2009-01-12T11:12:00.000-05:00

This week, I'm at 239 pounds. Down 1 pound. It's an inauspicious start to my New Year, but it's squarely in line with my goals so I have no room to complain.

I spent a lot of time staying with my parents in the last two weeks. It was wonderful to have so much time together, but it also really made me grateful for my own space and my independent life. I found it very hard to stay focused on my nutrition and fitness goals in their house. These are the people I grew up with, the ones who helped me forge the habits I'm trying to change today, the ones that routinely eat cake and ice cream for dinner. Fruit and vegetables are never worked into the meal and all activities are sedentary. It was very difficult to resist all the temptations and to work in activity.

I found that I needed to make a huge effort to be more conscious of what I was eating. It's hard enough when the person/people that you live with isn't/aren't on the same page; it's even worse when they aren't even in the same book. To further complicate things, I celebrated my birthday last week. I'd asked my sister to only purchase enough cake to feed our small gathering, but she bought a half a sheet cake covered in mounds of dairy whip icing. I don't think she was deliberately trying to sabotage me, but it made life harder having one of my favorite indulgences around for days.

To make matters worse, I was unable to use the Internet most of the time so I was cut off from my only source of support. It was hard not being able to check in on my favorite bloggers.

With all that going on, I'm thrilled to be down 1 pound and on my way to fulfilling my goals. Thanks to all who stopped by and shared words of encouragement and support.

P.S. Laura, you talked about hating the scale; i'll be discussing an alternative tomorrow.

Happy New Year

2009-01-05T15:21:00.006-05:00

Awww! I love that new year smell. Shiny and new. Full of possibilities. Awesome!

I had a wonderful holiday but I unfortunately packed on a ton of holiday fluff. I jumped on the scale on New Years Day and discovered that I had gained a whopping 9.5 pounds. My first reaction was denial. I got off the scale and got back on. The smug little read out still said 240.0 lbs. I got off again and moved the scale. 240.0 lbs. I got off and took off my earrings and glasses. 240.0lbs.

Next, I entered the rage stage. First I became furious with my scale. Seriously, this is the first time it ever produced consistent data. Usually, a sneeze will change it by a half a pound, but in the fresh light of the New Year, my scale must have resolved to be more honest with me. I thought I could threaten it or intimidate it with curses, but it blinked those same numbers up at me without hesitation. Realizing that it was ridiculous to scream at a plastic box filled with batteries and microchips, I became enraged with my body. "9.5 pounds in like 2.5 weeks?!!! Are you shitting me?! How long would it take you to lose that much weight? AGES. The answer is AGES. But you're all to accommodating when a couple of cookies want to take up residence on my hips!! Stupid body!"

But I wasn't nearly as angry with my body and scale as I was with my family for wanting me to bake all those cookies or those bloody evil elves for bringing me good things to eat. I wanted to swing those little bastards by their tiny pointed shoes. But the truth is, I realized I can't blame other people for my actions. I think I would feel put out if the people in my life treated me different around the holidays just because I'm trying to lose weight. And what about those elves? They were just being nice. When I got the box of chocolates, it didn't say eat immediately upon opening or this box with self destruct. Instead, it provided me with nutrition information advising me of an appropriate serving size. I was the one who chose to shovel all the holiday treats in my mouth. I made the bad choices.

Then, I have to say that I felt like absolute crap. I trudged around in sweats thinking the whole world was going to point at my expanding ass. I also felt like a failure. Being 240 pounds means that I only lost a total of 6 pounds all year in 2008. I feel like I talk constantly about losing weight. I set goals and talk about the work I need to do to reach them, but then I just don't do it. I felt like a wind bag and a hypocrite.

I have reached the acceptance stage. I do talk about my weight loss goals a lot, but I never said I was perfect or even close to it. In fact, I would imagine that anyone who reads my blog expects me to skin my knees a lot on this journey. What is so beautiful about the weight loss blogging community is that while so many of you have enjoyed wonderful success, I have never once felt judged for my imperfections. Instead, I feel supported in a way that I never felt possible. Thank you to everyone who checked in to see if I fell off the face of the earth. You are all so wonderful and inspiring and it's a bright spot in my life to know that you care!

So, I'm back. I feel clear headed and actually sick of cookies for the first time in my entire life. I also feel more sure of myself and more motivated than I ever have. Sometimes, I need a fresh start. I'm looking forward to seeing what 2009 will bring.

My goal for this year is modest. I want to lose 52 pounds. 1 pound per week. I will weigh in every Sunday morning and post my results on Monday. I have no doubt that I can do it. Good luck in the New Year!

Evil Christmas Elves

2008-12-15T09:03:00.003-05:00

Apparently I need to pull out the bitch case, because I must have been too good this year. Last week I was visited by several evil Christmas elves bearing plates of scrumptuous no nos.

On Monday, I was given a tray of cookies. Tuesday, a fruitcake. Wednesday a box of Belgian truffles. Thursday, a rum cake. Friday, a box of assorted pastries from the local Lebanese bakery. Add to this the numerous seasonal lunches and dinners I was invited to and you have the making of a really ugly situation. All of this was lovely and I'm very appreciative, but it's hard enough to pour myself into my jeans when I'm not being fed on a regular basis.

The result? My weight's holding steady today, a fact for which I am very greatful. I've kicked up the activity, prioritized my holiday snacking and have taken to putting out the yummy goodness I receive for friends and family.

Down 3 Pounds--Thanks to the Flu

2008-12-12T09:30:00.000-05:00

I'm back in commission after a week and a half in the clutches of a miserable bout of gastroenteritis. The result? I'm down 3 pounds. Sweet! I'm going to wait to adjust my stats until I see if it rebounds a little now that I'm better. The bottom line is that as long as I don't gain more than 2 pounds over the holiday season, I'll be on track for my goal to lose 1 pound in December. This New Year's, I'll have to remember to raise a toast to setting the bar low...

I have to say I was getting pretty sick of being sick, but after seeing the results, I sort of wish it would have lingered through the holiday. Mostly it was just stomach pain and decreased appetite. I could handle that for 2 more weeks, right? Handle it? I could probably bottle it and hand it out as a gift or sell it on the street corner. (I'm just kidding. I know I need to learn to make good choices even in the presence of my typically insatiable appetite.)

Today I'm off to an office lunch. I've already placed my order for nice green salad. I also fully intend to have La Bomba, which is basically an orgasmic dessert made from a ball of ice cream covered in a dark chocolate shell. This is the one outing over the entire holiday that I'm allowing myself dessert so I plan to enjoy every morsel. And, hey, I am making some sacrifices: I have to munch away on greens while everyone else eats warm, cheesy baked pastas and hot buttery garlic bread. I'm also planning a very light dinner tonight to offset the whole thing. I don't want this month to be a repeat of conference season, but I don't want to obsess so I'm doing some careful planning.

On a side note, I felt so good about my weight loss that I wrote out a Christmas card for the Lizard Lady today. Every year I pretend to forget her and then cringe when I get her magnificent, sparkly Christmas letter in which she talks about how perfect her marshmallow life is with her candy cane job and gum drop husband. Honestly, people! As a single person, if I sent one of these letters out, people would think I'm a total narcissist. Why is it just because she has a little ice on her finger she suddenly has the right to go bragging to everyone on her mailing list. I'd understand if she had kids or something, but it's just the two of them. Stop the madness! Anyway, as you can see, I've risen above it and decided to send her a card. That's how happy I am. Really.

Hope you've all had a smashing week!

Flu

2008-12-09T13:05:00.002-05:00

The great thing about having the flu for the last week is that I haven't been able to eat much lately. The bad thing is that I haven't done anything.

Sorry if I haven't been checking in and stopping by lately. I'm not quite on the mend yet. I'm looking forward to seeing how everyone is doing!

Back to bed...

December Goals

2008-12-02T11:10:00.000-05:00

The time has come to assess last months goals and establish some brand spanking new ones. I had three November goals which included 1)Lose 8 pounds 2.)Write down everything I eat every day, all 30 days! and 3)Get some physical activity 5 days/week.

The result? Well let's just say that I'm glad they're called goals and not rules. I didn't lose 8 pounds, I lost two. I wouldn't mind not reaching my goal if it wasn't for the fact that I know I didn't do my best. That said, regret is wasteful. It's far better to learn from mistakes and move on! I was much better at tracking my food, though I didn't manage to do it every single day. I did actually succeed in getting some activity 5 days a week, though. So 1/3 isn't that bad, is it?

It's a new month and my last shot at getting it right in 2008, so here are my December goals!

1.) Lose 1 pound. That's it, one pound. I actually considered aiming just to maintain this month, but I thought that would just be like giving myself permission to slack off too much. One pound is realistic, given the festive season, but still keeps my focus on losing.

2.) Record every thing I eat every day. Yep, trying this again. I think it's a valuable tool in my efforts to reign in my overeating.

3.) Get 45 minutes of exercise 5 days a week. More specific than last time, so not as easy to fudge.

What are you hoping to achieve this month? Let's make it a good one!

WIsh in one hand...

2008-12-01T06:00:00.000-05:00

My mother used to say, "wish in one hand and shit in the other and we'll see which fills up faster." When I was growing up, I heard that particularly charming colloquialism at least once a day and it infuriated me. It was her answer to, "I wish I had some ice cream" or "I wish I didn't have to go to school" or "I wish I could take dance lessons like the other girls." The more it irritated me, the more she seemed to be entertained.

Probably it was her way of getting back at children who each had an inflated sense of entitlement since her "when I was a girl" stories didn't seem to have much of and influence on my my sister and me. It was hard for us to imagine the kind of poverty she described, especially since she seemed so self indulgent by the time we came along. Regardless of the reason, she repeated that phrase like a mantra until we learned to stop beginning sentences with "I wish."

Despite it's abrasiveness, Mom's mantra has real meaning in my life today. I've spent this year mostly wishing for success. I've spent a little time blogging about it and a lot of time commiserating with friends and coworkers about weight loss struggles. Most of what I've done boils down to wishing, and while I have no intention of cupping my hand over my bottom instead of using the commode, I think that I can see which would...um...pile up faster.

I think I need to be more action focused. I need to find ways to ensure that I will win more of those difficult moments than I lose. That said, I've devised a plan of attack. While this month is certain to be a time of joyous celebration, it's also laced with no fewer than 15 get togethers of one variety or another. All are sure to be positively replete with scrumptious things to eat and some tempting libations. I've mapped out my events and prioritized. For the get togethers that will be at restaraunts, I'm picking my meal ahead of time. For those that take place at someone's home, I intend to eat something filling and healthy before I go so I won't be as tempted. There will be precisely one (pre Christmas) event during which I will indulge in dessert. I will go into each event with a detailed, well rehearsed plan.

This planning worked well for me on Thanksgiving. While I started off being determined not to obsess over potential weight gain, I also didn't want to make it a feeding frenzy. The menu at my mother's house almost never varies, so I was able to decide ahead of time what was worth it and what wasn't. I brought a yogurt and a banana which I ate while my family was enjoying a pre meal chocolate munch. I decided early what I would allow myself to eat so I could feel in control. I also tried to make people the focus of my celebrating instead of food.

I'm also laying out some more realistic goals for this month. I'll post these later today or tomorrow.

So I hope you're joining me in my efforts to stop just wishing for success!

Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T11:44:00.001-05:00

As a morbidly obese, perennial dieter, I've almost come to view food as a curse. I've certainly referred to it as an addiction and a source of great misery for me. Thanksgiving is about celebrating the blessings and plenty in our lives, but it's that every day plenty that has been a major contributing factor in my unhappiness for the last decade.

This is one of the great paradoxes of our modern world. You can have too much of a good thing even while those around you are desperate for just a fraction of what you have.

I remember reading last year about people in Haiti who had to resort to eating cookies made from dirt just to survive. As an island nation, Haiti has to import many of the goods it's people depend on. Last year, as the price of doing that became astronomical and storms damaged much of the nation's crops, people had to resort to desperate measures just to ease the pain of their inconceivable hunger.

The situation is equally dire in Zimbabwe where hunger has become an inescapable master for many people. Political unrest has given rise to widespread famine. On my way in to work the other day, I couldn't stop crying when I heard the story of Katy Phiri, an elderly Zimbabwean who hadn't eaten in three days and was struggling to find food for herself and her grandson. She was foraging for kernels of corn that had been dropped and left behind after the harvest. Children are foraging for termites just to find enough nourishment to stay alive.

I know it sounds like I'm wagging a wooden spoon at you and saying, "children in China would be grateful for that food, young lady!" That's not my intention. Sometimes I'm just taken aback by the contrast of plenty and abject poverty in the world. It's unthinkable that while I struggle to force myself to push back from the table, someone else is starving to death in another corner of the world. There doesn't seem to be any justice in it. Why should I have too much when so many don't have enough?

So tomorrow, when I sit down to my Thanksgiving feast, I will not obsess about my food choices. I will not weigh and measure and worry. I don't intend to gorge myself, either. My focus will be on gratitude that I should be part of the fortunate few that has the option of overeating and of providing food for my friends and family. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I intend to enter into the true spirit of the season and direct my energy toward giving thanks. I will try to see food as the blessing that it is. My diet will be waiting patiently for me on Black Friday.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Weigh-in: Down 2 Pounds

2008-11-25T10:00:00.000-05:00

I've been AWOL from the blogosphere for the last few days, but I haven't been slacking off (too much). I'm still ploughing away at my November goals. I'm managing to track everything and get more activity, but I am almost positive that the "lose 8 pounds" goal is not going to happen.

On the upside, I weighed in 2 pounds lighter this week. I don't have an official weight to report because I am currently trying out a new product called Mary Lou's Weigh. I'll be posting a review in the next few days, so check out the product website and stay tuned for my two cents.

The bad news? My calico sweetheart, Samantha isn't doing so hot on her diet. Despite our best efforts which included eliminating table scraps and canned food as well as purchasing a laser pointer to encourage activity, she is up .20 pounds from last year. For your Tuesday viewing pleasure I submit the following image. Take a look at 14.8 pounds of feline in an artificial Christmas tree! Happy Tuesday!

Good News and Bad News

2008-11-20T14:40:00.000-05:00

I'm still pressing on with my monthly goals and I'm enjoying varying success.

I'm struggling along with the exercise piece, and doing a little better. I've felt more motivated to walk on my lunch break which is great for a variety of reasons. It helps me to unwind in the middle of my day because it gets me out of the office and allows me to release some of my pent up energy. It's also the perfect time for me to get in an hour of activity. I'm not disciplined enough to get up early and if I wait till I get home at night, I'll be too tired or too lazy.

I have been really disciplined about tracking my food on SparkPeople, which has really opened my eyes. Firstly, it has reawakened me to exactly what I'm putting in my mouth. I'm surprised by how many calories there are in some of the things I eat and by how unbalanced my diet is. For example, while I almost never get the recommended amount of protein, I frequently exceed the recommendation for carbs. Not a good practice for a pre diabetic.

So while I stayed within my calorie limit yesterday, I also ate SEVEN Pillsbury cookies. SEVEN. I know weight loss is about calories in and calories out, but I'm not just doing this to lose weight, I'm doing it to get healthy. Consuming empty calories is going to do little to help me get there. I need to make a better effort to eat foods that will nourish me, not just satisfy my cravings.

The good news: I'm tracking, exercising and limiting my calories.
The bad news: I'm eating garbage.

What can I say? I'm a work in progress and I'm making changes everyday. Hope you're having a good day!

Now That's What I Call Comfort Food

2008-11-19T12:50:00.000-05:00

As the temperatures dip and the days go shorter, my spirits can dip a little too. Probably this has something to do with the fact that I get a lot less sunlight or it could be the sharp increase in my gas bill or just the fact that it's so damn cold here. Whatever the reason, my mind goes gooey with thoughts of cheesy baked pastas and, of course, cookies.

Basically, cold weather + holiday season = bigger pants, which is something I would seriously like to avoid this year. That's why I was so excited to learn about the benefits of Omega-3 fatty acids. This will be old news to anyone who has had their finger on the pulse of the nutrition world, but since I'm fairly new to this healthy eating stuff, it's all news to me.

Most of us know that omega 3s are good for our heart. I'm not sure of the precise processes at work, but I know that they make are blood cells slippery which means a decreased likelihood that blockages will form. What I didn't know until very recently is that omega-3s can actually improve mood.

Research shows that people who consume omega-3s have more grey matter in the amygdala, the hippocampus and the cingulate, the three areas of the brain that are smaller in individuals living with depression. That means that consuming foods rich in these fatty acids such as salmon, walnuts and flax seed can give you a real emotional boost during the winter months. That's good news for me, as I'm try to fight the urge for a second piece of pumpkin pie this Thanksgiving. It also highlights the value of good nutrition and supports the idea that the food we eat can and should be nourishment for our minds as well as our bodies.

If you want more information, you can read this article I found on USA Today online or you can just do a search on WebMD. You should also note that if you already have clotting issues or are on blood thinners, you should talk to your doc before diving into the omega 3s--especially if you intend to get your daily dose in the form of supplements.

Weekly Weigh In: 233.5

2008-11-16T09:59:00.009-05:00

After a so-so week, the scale finally moved in the right direction. I've landed at 233.5, a total loss of 1.5 pounds for the week. Would I like to have lost a bit more? You bet! I just need to remind myself that if I can shed 1.5 pounds every week, I'll be down 78 pounds by this time next year and that's nothing to sneeze at! (I love the Mathematics of Affirmation).

I'm doing pretty well on my November goals. I'm not quite on track to lose the eight pounds and unless I come down with a serious bout of dysentery, it might not happen at this point. I'm not counting myself out yet; I've still got two weeks to make good on that goal, but since that would require me to lose at a rate of 3.25 pounds a week, I'm probably not going to make it.

My biggest single challenge has been tracking what I eat. Normally, I start out really well when I'm eating healthy foods, but somehow, when I eat something that's not so healthy I...um...forget to write it down. (Is it true if I don't write it down it doesn't count? My jeans say otherwise!) I've followed the advise of other bloggers and have begun tracking on SparkPeople. I've set it as my home page so every time I hit the Internet Explorer button I'm reminded to log my food. So far, so good with that.

Recording my food intake not only makes me more mindful of what I'm eating, it also gives me some data to analyze. What I've learned is that I've had a tendency to eat on the high end of my calories and I'm going way over on my recommended fat and way under on the protein. This is good information for me, because, while everyone else seems to know that having a piece of my mother's cheesecake every day may not be the best way to shed the pounds, I actually have to see the numbers for it to hit home. (Again, no Logical Blogger award for me!) Armed with data, I'm going to try to focus on nutrition as well as total calories this week.

I've been under performing a little in the exercise department. I have technically been getting a little activity 5 days a week, but I've sort of been phoning it in. Time to kick it up this week!

If you're a goal setter, feel free to share what you plan to do this week. Good luck everyone!

Remembering My First Time

2008-11-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

Recently, I stopped by PQ’s blog and responded to her challenge to summarize the last ten years of my life in 100 characters. Without thinking too much, I fired off:

Gained 110 pounds, graduated high school, got job, college, grad school, job, back to grad school, lost 50 pounds (so far).

As it turns out, that’s actually 102 characters if you don’t count spaces, but that’s not important. What does matter is the somewhat unwelcome line of thought those 102 characters initiated. Gained 110 pounds. Wow. How does that happen? For me, it came on in less than two years, a mere blink of an eye and all the while I was oblivious to the changes. I didn’t own a scale, and while people called me fat, they’d always done that; it’s not like they were saying “You’re fatter.” Did my clothes get too small? They must have, but I don’t remember ever really noting it. Maybe I was determined not to realize. Sometimes I think that I was born weighing over 200 pounds, because while I’d be thrilled to weigh 150 or 160 now, I thought I was enormous then and it seems unthinkable that I was ever that small. I need to look at the pictures to even believe that I once wore the size 12 jeans that I didn’t bother to pack when I moved.

How does that happen? You can only gain that much weight if you get up in the morning and decide, consciously or unconsciously, to eat more calories than you burn most days of your life. At one point in my life, I didn’t do that, and then as if a switch was thrown, I got to it in earnest.

I can pinpoint it. I remember the precise moment, the first time I ate food seeking something other than nourishment, the first time I abused food in the way other addicts abuse alcohol or cocaine or sex. I can see it so clearly with one exception. I know that in reality, it was the summer before my junior year in high school, but in my mind I always imagine that I was very young and very small. I see myself looking the way I look in old pictures where I have straight bangs and corduroy pants, where I’m playing with my Barbie on the old brown linoleum with my sister or where I’m standing looking shy in my purple velvet dress.

But aside from the way I picture us, I know that I remember everything with perfect clarity. The front door’s open, inviting the muggy night air in. The firelight outside is casting fiendish shapes on the walls and floors. I can hear the rumble of rock music, turned up too loud on a second rate boom box to even be intelligible. I know my parents are out there, but their not rowdy as usual, they’re actually hushed, but they are drunk, which has become a matter of course for summer weekend nights. They’re more somber and I know that it’s because, frustrated by our poverty and an engine that wouldn’t start, my father has thrown a tomahawk through the windshield of his car. A tomahawk. A mistake that, stupid to be sure, will cost them money they don’t have. I know they think it’s my fault, because I made him mad. When the car wouldn’t start, I had touched his arm and said, “maybe it’s best, Dad. Maybe you’re too drunk.”

Later, my mother hissed, “You should have left him alone. You have no right to judge him.” I wasn’t judging; I was relieved.

In the kitchen, two girls, who can hardly stand a moment together under normal circumstances, huddle giggling together in the pale light coming from the bulb over the sink. They’re inventing a recipe for childhood escape: toast raisin bread, spread generously with butter, sprinkle with cinnamon and one tablespoon each sugar and Nestle’s Quick. Consume while warm and repeat if necessary.

It was necessary on hundreds of nights I can’t remember and a few I’d like to forget. It wasn’t always the same food, but it was always uncommon and excessive. It didn’t fix the windshield, it didn’t help me understand my parents or make them resent me less, but somehow, binge eating felt like my anchor. It’s a pattern that I’m struggling to break every day.

I’m not writing this because I feel sorry for myself or because I’m hoping for some sympathy. I’m writing it because I subscribe to the school that says that in order to fix the problem, you have to understand it completely. You have to turn it over in your hands, take it apart, analyze it, even if doing that is incredibly painful. That’s what I have to do if instead of recounting my first time, I’m going to some day write about my last.

Did You Know I'm a Size 4?

2008-11-12T05:30:00.003-05:00

That's right, a size 4. THIS IS NOT A TEST. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ADJUST YOUR COMPUTER MONITORS. DO NOT GO TO YOUR WINDOW WITH BINOCULARS TO SCAN THE SKY FOUR FLYING BARNYARD ANIMALS. This morning, I woke up and slipped on a pair of size 4 slacks.

Does this mean that I contracted a flesh eating virus that munched off half of my ass overnight? Perish the thought. Actually, I find reality to be slightly more annoying that. The truth is that, finding most of my pants to be too baggy and unflattering, I finally broke down and decided go shopping.

I marched into Lane Bryant, went straight for the pants and was greeted with a rack full of sizes 1-10. All of the sudden I felt a waive of panic. Did I accidentally wonder into Express? I scanned the room for the droves of pale, waifs that would grab me under the arms and escort me out the door saying, "there's nothing for you here." No. I was definitely in Lane Bryant. I could tell because I was surrounded by size 8 mannequins wearing cinched plus sized clothes--I think that's supposed to make the clothes look better. We wouldn't want to actually see how they would look on a plus sized woman...but I digress.

The over-sized clothes on the dummy also ruled out my other thought: that Lane Bryant had stopped selling plus clothing. Next I called my sister over to confirm that I wasn't hallucinating. Nope. Sizes 1-10.OK, no need to panic.

"Excuse me," I said to the nearest employee. "I'm a little confused by your sizing."

"Oh, it's new."

"But how do I know what my size is now? Do you have a chart with equivalents or something."

"Nope, I have to measure you," she said advancing on me with a tape measure outstretched.

Panic again. No way am I letting another soul know the exact circumference of my waist. Well, no one except for the entire Internet, you guys are OK. (I know I'm not going to get the Logical Blogger award any time soon.) "No thanks, I'm good. I'll just buy a shirt." Crisis averted. She walked away and my sister assured me that I was officially the biggest dork ever.

Then I began the unscientific process of finding pants that would fit. As it turns out, the pants were also color coded based on bodily location of poundage. So I spent some time holding pant up to my body and then I brought about 63 pairs to the fitting room. It took me nearly 2 hours to figure out that I'm a red size 4. Awesome.

I hate to be grouchy, but this has really got me all fired up. The color coding does make some sense to me. I actually like that they're making jeans to fit different body types. But I have to say that the new numbering really ticks me off. I realize that the numbering system for all women's clothes, at least in the United States, is basically arbitrary. Who knows what size 18 or 10 or especially 0 means? It doesn't go by poundage, and it might be based on measurements, too, but the actual sizes give no indication. But most women know what their size is and have a basic idea of what the next size up and the next size down would be like. Even if I'm not happy with my size, it's convenient to know what it is. It's bad enough to have to shop in stores like Lane Bryant without having to completely refigure my size when I walk in the door.

Can anyone tell me what Lane Bryant was thinking? Maybe it's some marketing ploy that's meant to appeal to my vanity. Maybe some women are more likely to shop at a place that enables them to wear clothes with a tag that says 4 instead of 18.There are so many reasons this gets me ticked off. Let me enumerate some of them.

It goes without saying that it irritated me that it took me so much longer to find pants.
To me, it feels like an insult to my intelligence. I know there's no way in hell I could get even one leg into a pair of size fours from any other store. I'm fine with that; I don't need to delude myself and I certainly don't need anyone else to delude me!
Looking forward, I feel like this partially robs me of a victory I could enjoy in the future. I was really looking forward to the day I could stop shopping at Lane Bryant. Now, in order to do that, I'll have to go from a size 0 in LaLa Land to a size 14 or 12 in the real world. Even though I know it's arbitrary, I think it's going to throw me for a bit of a psychological loop.
It sends the message that smaller is necessarily better. If they were going to change it, I wish they'd made there pants size based on waste circumference combined with the new color coding system, but guess what? They didn't ask me what I thought.

OK. End of rant. Feel free to rant or defend in the comments.

Can I Have a Do-Over?

2008-11-10T05:30:00.002-05:00

When I was a kid, I was addicted to video games, which is probably one of the reasons that I ended up one of those childhood obesity cases that are all over the news today. I loved the escapism I could enjoy, especially in games like Final Fantasy, Mario or Zelda. I could traverse the veld on a chocobo, warp through time, don a frog suit and go deep sea diving and ultimately save the day. Mostly, I dug the fact that I could fall into a pit of fire, get eaten by a Dragon or bungle a challenge and not face any consequences. All I needed to do was hit the reset button.

The irritating thing about reality is that there is no reset button, so if I get eaten by a dragon, I just get digested. The same is true if I eat a dragon. I just have to face the consequences on the scale. That was the case when I weighed in this morning. I knew even before I got on that I'd be lucky if I just didn't gain anything. It felt like all week, I just couldn't seem to stop shoveling food in my face. I was anxious about work and classes and current events, a tired excuse to be sure, but true nonetheless.

Probably my greatest single downfall was that I didn't have a plan. I didn't make sure that I had healthy snacks to eat and I waited until I got home every night to decide on dinner. Consequently, I ended up eating out nearly every day last week, which probably contributed hundreds of extra calories to my daily intake.

If I was back in elementary school, I would just hit the red button with my big toe and go on with my life, but as an adult, I actually have to deal with the consequences of my actions or inactions. That means that I'm ending yet another week no closer to my goal than before.

I felt a little disheartened at first, especially knowing that I would have to blog about defeat once again. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I kind of do get a do-over. Every single new day and week is a chance for a do-over, a chance to assess my difficulties and adopt a new approach. Actually, even the moment after I finish my piece of pie is an opportunity for a do-over if I decide that I'm going to endeavor to make healthier choices from that moment on. We all want lasting success, and that means that at some point we need to forgive ourselves.

So here goes: I'm hitting the reset button. I'm going to plan my food out for the next day every night before I hit the hay. Maybe if I've got a course plotted out, I won't take a wrong turn and end up in Candy Land. Your welcome to come along. If you've had a bad week, take this as official permission to put it behind you and make the most of a do-over.

The Change We Need

2008-11-05T13:38:00.012-05:00

There are a lot of cynical people who assert that people just cannot change. Undoubtedly, people who make that claim are basing it on real experience. Maybe they've seen an uncle lose his fight with alcohol or drug addiction; maybe they've suffered through an abusive relationship, read the research that says that obese people can't keep the weight off or worst of all, they've endeavored to change themselves, stumbled and lost faith in their own personal ability to alter the course of their lives.

No matter how valid their experience, the trouble is that it's limited. It fails to take into account the resiliency of the spirit and the capacity of the individual to persevere. The truth is that sometimes people do change. They change for the better and they change for good. Their very existence is proof that change is possible. It's often painful and is almost always difficult. Usually, it's incredibly messy, but it's possible.

The truth is that millions of people are agents of positive change in their own lives and the lives of others every single day. Sometimes, change is hard for outside observers to appreciate, but every once in a while their is a transition so dramatic that it is impossible not to recognize it's existence and impact.

Whether you are a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian or Independent, it impossible deny the tremendous change in our nation. President Elect Obama as well as the pundits and historians will and have characterized this shift much more eloquently than I can hope to. Nevertheless, I feel compelled to reflect on the enormity of the election, what it symbolizes and how it informs my understanding of human nature. It seems impossible that we need only to reach back a few generations to touch the dark reality of slavery. That segregation and racism, lynching, oppression and impossible hate exist in our living memory is unthinkable when viewed through the lens of our current world.

A number of people contended that the change that was necessary to elect an African American president was not possible at this time. They worried about the Bradley Effect, explaining that it was possible that polls were deceptive because deep down, Americans couldn't pull the lever for a black man. I confess that I shared some of that cynicism. I have known too many people who have exerted an incredible amount of energy arguing for their belief in supremacy of whites to be certain that reason was more powerful than hate.

I would never limit the complexity of the election to the race issue. In the end, most Obama supporters were focused on economic issues, a fact which underscores the enormity of the shift in American views. Until very recently, Obama's race might have dominated his candidacy. Today, we can recognize that we have witnessed a momentous historical event, but that's not all that matters to us.

This morning, I woke up thinking about possibility and promise. I woke up believing in the ability of everyone, myself included, to change. It was and continues to be an incredible struggle, but we have made the conscious choice to change together as a nation. We have challenged established prejudices and redefined the nature of reality.

Isn't that what we are all striving for on a personal level? At 278 pounds, I couldn't imagine what life would be like at 228. All I could know was what I was living. That made success seem impossible. Today, I can't visualize life 50 pounds from now, so I must struggle to believe that it's possible. I'm must confront my own cynicism daily and believe in my own capacity for change.

I certainly hope no one feels I am trivializing Obama's victory by discussing it's implications for me on a very personal scale. I think sometimes seeing is believing. That's why we read other people's success stories and click on their progress pics. We need to see that someone has done it to believe that we can. My difficulty is that I sometimes have difficulty believing that the kind of change I need to make is possible. This victory, this obvious shift in the nation, is a powerful symbol that demonstrates that all change, even the most unlikely and glorious is possible.

Personal Victory at the Polls

2008-11-04T14:27:00.008-05:00

I didn't sleep last night. I kept having bad dreams about being disenfranchised. In some of the dreams, it was my fault. I'd overslept, just like I do in those dreams in which I show up to the SAT naked and without my glasses, and had missed the small window of time I had to vote. In some of the dreams, someone else was keeping me from casting my ballot either by moving my polling place or by saying that my voter registration wasn't valid. I know that I need to relax and I'm working on that, but it seems my subconscious mind isn't as dedicated to unwinding.

Consequently, I was up before my alarm and made it to the poll at 6:50. However, I soon learned that the people in charge of operating the poll had lost the keys to the building!! Lots of phone calls were made by a variety of people and they finally got the door open at quarter after seven. Then we had to wait for them to set up.

So how does this translate into a victory at the poll hours before I'll know with any kind of certainty how my candidate did? During this forty minute period, I had to stand in one place in line. As I drove to my office after casting my ballot, it occurred to me that there was a time that standing in place for even twenty minutes would have been too painful for me, maybe painful enough to convince me to give up and go home. I've been consumed by this election, but my passion probably would have been overridden by my discomfort. Today, the only discomfort I felt was the internal wincing I did every time the woman at the front of the line started to complain about waiting.

Enjoying the positive effects of my past successes only makes me feel more committed. At 278 pounds, I thought everyone's feet hurt when they had to stand. I couldn't imagine that my world could be any different. It makes me curious about what other wonderful things I'll discover about life as I push forward on this journey.

And speaking of, I've already been dragging my butt a little with regard to my monthly goals. I didn't get any exercise yesterday and I know that since I have five hours of class after work tonight, I won't have a chance today either. That means to achieve my goal, I need to hit the trail every day for the rest of the week. Feel free to kick my butt if I slack off...

I Told You Cookies Are Evil...

2008-11-03T21:33:00.004-05:00

For those of you who are as stressed out about the election as I am, let me offer up some comic relief that's sure to keep you from seeking comfort in confections.

A recent trip to the video store confirmed that they just aren't making good horror movies anymore. I've seen some bad movies in my day. What can I say, I have a roommate whose addicted to Zombie flicks and horror movies in general, so it's not uncommon for me to sit down to films with titles such as Dead and Breakfast and Trailer Park of Terror.

I thought I'd seen it all until I saw what is quite possibly the worst film ever to go directly to DVD, The Gingerdead Man. No, this isn't a typo I really meant GingerDEAD. Allow me to enlighten you with a condensed summary:

The gingerdead man (pictured above), played by Gary Busey, is the pastry reincarnation of an executed murder, Millard Findlemeyer. In life, Findlemeyer happens upon a father and his teenage son and daughter during a robbery. He kills the son and father, but leaves the daughter behind. She provides the testimony that leads to his conviction and ultimately sends him to the electric chair.

The girl runs a bakery, which is Findlemeyer's big shot at revenge. He has his ashes shipped to her bakery as "gingerbread seasoning." She asks no questions when the mysterious package arrives--delivered by a figure in a cloak no less, adds the contents right to the batch of gingerbread she happens to be making, and proceeds to roll out the dough and bake it in the shape of a three foot gingerbread man even after one of her employees bleeds into the dough. (Somebody call the health inspector...)

I think the recipe goes like this: Add sugar, flour, eggs, ashes of the deceased and blood of the hired help. Bake for 30 minutes at 375. Add a jolt of electricity. Allow resulting demonic cookie to walk out of the oven of his own accord. Stand around reciting cheesy dialog and participating in gratuitous cat fights while cookie sets up a variety of boobie traps around the bakery. With the right amount of know how (and apparently a low enough budget), you can end up with a confection which wields knives, skillets, guns, and best of all, drives a car with the aid of a rolling pin that enables him to reach the gas pedal.

I won't spoil the end, but it's a must see for anyone who has watched every other movie in the Blockbuster or who just wants a healthy fear of cookies and bakeries in general.

November Goals

2008-11-01T18:14:00.005-04:00

I woke up ready to welcome a new month, got on a scale and saw a frightening sight. I thought, "Hey! Halloween was yesterday!" But, I guess that was part of the reason that I've gained a total of 7.0 pounds in the last 2 months!

November 1st a great time for a fresh start! Time to get that scale moving in the other direction. Here are my goals or this month:

Lose 8 pounds--2 pounds/week seems doable. I've pretty much accepted that I probably won't see less than 200 pounds before the ball drops. I've made peace with that.
Write down everything I eat every day, all 30 days!
Get some physical activity 5 days/week.

Feel free to share your goals for the month ahead. Good luck!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

2008-10-31T23:30:00.002-04:00

Some day, I will be able to live my life without looking at everything through the lens of weight, but today is not the day. Halloween has always meant two things to me: 1. The chance to pretend to be someone else for a day and 2. the chance to eat ludicrous amounts of candy.

Dressing up is probably the best part of Halloween. I love the idea of putting on a whole new, completely unique self. My co-workers are really creative. They build their own costumes from stuff they have at home and they usually come up with some pretty clever stuff. I on the other hand , tend to be fairly unimaginative in my costume choice. If I can't purchase it as a package deal, I probably won't bother. What I've noticed is that my options for costumes are much wider than they were 50 pounds ago. It's nice that I can choose something other than nun or ghost now. Hooray for non scale victories!

As far as consuming massive quantities of of candy is concerned, that should not really be an option for me now. (Especially since I broke up with Jack!) I have tried not to eat candy with the reckless abandon I used to. That said, by the time we shut out the porch light, I may have eaten almost as much chocolate as I handed out. Uggg! I could have taken steps to avoid such massive transgressions. I especially like MizFit's suggestion to indulge planfully. I could have tried to find candy that I actually wouldn't eat. But I didn't do any of that; I pigged out.

Thankfully, tomorrow's a new day and the start of a new month. It's a chance for a fresh start and the formation of new goals.

I hope you had a happy Halloween and took advantage of the chance to be someone else and make other people smile today!

Oh Jack-O-Lantern, Jack-O-Lantern

2008-10-28T22:20:00.003-04:00

Oh Jack-O-Lantern, Jack-O-Lantern, how I wish we had never met! You were meant to be festive, sitting with your joyful cranium stuffed with Kit Kat's and Reese's peanut butter cups. I could have waited to place you on the dining room table, but your wide grin won me over. I felt certain that I was strong enough to resist your allure. After all, your contents were intended for the tiny dinosaurs, vampires, clowns and princesses that will be coming to call on you this Friday night.

Perhaps the heart of my difficulty was the forbidden nature of our relationship. In the end, it made you positively irresistible. I meant to just grab my piece and break things off, but you've kept me coming back for more.

Jack, we're through. You're just no good for me! Wipe that silly smile of your face and turn away that seductive gaze. By the way, please don't pretend that we've been exclusive; I saw you with my grandmother this weekend!

I Joined the Wellsphere Community

2008-10-27T21:49:00.000-04:00

I'm always looking for new resources to make my weight loss efforts easier. To that end, I've joined the Wellsphere community. Wellsphere is a website that combines medical information from physicians in a variety of specialties with social support networks. The site connects users with local resources as well as a variety of blogs.

But what really got me enthusiastic about the site was the level of personalization available to users in the My Wellsphere tab. Create a login and you can join a variety of teams and communities. You can also set goals and receive regular reminders via email or text message, which I was really grateful for today.

Originally, I had intended to brew a cup of Earl Grey and spend my lunch hour with my feet up, attacking my new stack of paperbacks. I'd just opened my tea bag when my phone buzzed with a text message that inquired, "How much have you walked today?" as a friendly reminder that one of my goals is to walk 60 minutes a day, 5 days this week. So instead of kicking back, I laced up my sneakers and taking my usual route to the park, I enjoyed a walk that was good for my mind, body and soul.

It really is a wonderful season for a long walk. I'm sure it's been said before that Autumn is an absolute feast for the senses, and today was no exception. The weather was brisk, but not cold. The foliage was nothing short of amazing. My path was lined with glorious trees, determined not to go quietly into winter, positively afire with shocking oranges and yellows in shades rarely seen outside of a box of paints. As I walked, I was met with the rich aroma and the symphonic crunch of a carpet of crimson castoffs.

So why are you sitting here reading this? Get out there and experience it for yourself! Go on! But before you go, check out Wellsphere by clicking on the badge on my page or going to www.wellsphere.com. Feel free to post your opinions of the site in my comments. Hope you make time to enjoy the season!

Assertiveness in Action

2008-10-25T10:55:00.004-04:00

If there's anything worse than the feeling I get when I know I've made a bad decision, it's the feeling get when I know I've let someone else do it for me. In the former situation, I may feel remorseful, but I also am aware of my own personal power. But when I allow someone else to make choices for me, I abdicate that power, feel a loss of control over the course of my life and am faced with regret and resentment.

In spite of all this emotional disharmony, I regularly am a passive witness to my own life. This is especially true when it comes to my lifestyle, and most especially, my diet. I have blogged about allowing my co-workers' behavior to influence my own, but the truth is, that's only part of the problem.

Most of the issues arise when I'm with my family, which on the whole does not share my weight loss goals. I live with my sister, who in my days near 300 pounds, was my snacking buddy. We planned out our ice cream, pizza, cake and cookie feasts with serious delight and overwhelming anticipation. Then we would devour our food without a shred of guilt.

The trouble is that, much of the time, my sister still wants to do just that. She's not trying to sabotage me, but she's made it clear that she doesn't like to indulge alone. But sabotage she does, just by virtue of how guilty she makes me feel. She'll say that we should have ice cream and if I say that I don't want any, she'll say "but it's no fun to eat it if you don't." Then she'll tell me that I probably could have just a little; that it wouldn't hurt "just this once." Before long, she has me in the kitchen dishing out two bowls of ice cream.

When I view the problem in retrospect I know that part of the trouble is that I really do want the ice cream, and am, therefore, a lot easier to convince. But I think that the greatest difficulty is that I'm not accustomed to being assertive about what I want. Rather, it's more important that other people are satisfied. I know a lot of people, women in particular, who have a similar problem. My situation is complicated enough, but throw in children, a husband or sick parents, and it can be really easy to let your interests get lost to the general good.

I don't want that. I deserve to get what I need just as much as anyone else, but I know that I'm going to have to struggle for what I want. To that end, I tried my assertiveness hat on last night. My sister wanted to order dinner from a local Chinese restaurant, but she wanted to use our limited funds to get fried foods covered in sauces or surrounded by rice and noodles. I told her that those foods wouldn't fit with my goals. She could order them if she liked, but I wasn't going to eat them. She then suggested pizza, sausage hoagies and a whole host of foods that would provide an entire day's worth of calories in one shot.

I held my ground. She sat on the end of the couch looking sad and talking about how there was no food in the house. I said, "Let's go to the grocery store then." But she didn't want to. Finally, around 7:30, a whole 1hr 45min after this whole debate began, we struck a compromise and went to a place where I got a delicious salad and she got what she wanted.

It was exhausting and stressful, but I feel great this morning knowing that I was strong. I know change is hard for everyone, but I was very clear that she was welcome to eat whatever she pleased. I said this without judgment, but her issue was that she wanted me to follow her down the garden path. Part of me wanted to follow. It would have been incredibly easier, but I knew I had to stand firm for my goals. In the end my assertiveness won the day.

I hope everyone else is having courage and enjoying success today! Have a great weekend!

The Merits of Meetings

2008-10-24T06:00:00.000-04:00

When I first started this process, I really didn't know how to lose weight. I thought that weight loss was a secret that only movie stars, athletes and Oprah shared. Along the way, I found ways to educate myself. I saw a nutritionist, surfed the web, and talked to other people who had reached their weight loss goals. Finally, I attended some Weight Watchers meetings.

By now, I know what to do. And yet, I don't always do it. In fact, I've blogged a lot recently about how this is the time of year when I seem to lose all of my motivation. As the days grow shorter and colder in my neck of the woods, pumpkin pie becomes a lot more tempting than walking the dog. I've done well up to this point, but if I'm going to stave off the wolf at the door, which is diabetes in my case, I need to do better.

That's why I've turned my attention this morning to weight loss meetings. I had attended weight loss meetings with some significant success, but I decided to stop going. A friend of my said, "You know how to lose weight! Why pay all that money to go to a meeting to hear what you already know by heart?" Her argument made sense, so I pocketed the cash and decided to try it on my own.

The result? Well, have you seen my weight loss ticker move recently? I'm not saying my recent struggles have been completely related to my decision to go it alone, but to be honest, I think there's a real connection. Many people reap serious benefits from attending weight loss meetings.

Firstly, in attempting to make any major life change, it helps to have support. You can get that in the blogging community, but face to face communication is always more powerful. I never actually shared much in my meetings, but I got a lot out of hearing others talk about their barriers and victories.

Secondly, having a meeting always helped me to stay mindful of my goal. It's easy to get diet amnesia when someone's offering me a piece of cake, but if I know that another human being is going to see my weight in bright red numbers on a digital screen, I'm more likely to stay strong. Also, the fact that I knew other people would be asking me how I did at my meeting was some serious motivation.

I also always felt that attending meetings was a concrete way to demonstrate the commitment that I was making to myself. Once a week, I set aside an hour to consider my priorities and evaluate my progress. It's easy to forget to do that now that I'm solo.

I know meetings aren't the answer for everyone, but as the holidays approach, I think I need to return to them. It's a significant financial outlay to be making at this time of year, but there's certainly no surer investment on Wall Street these days!

An Unpleasant Night

2008-10-17T09:45:00.000-04:00

I had a low day yesterday. It was one of those days where I felt overwhelmed and invisible. It wasn't necessarily a logical state of mind, but I just couldn't snap out of it. It started because I ran into a guy I really like who couldn't even remember having met me. Ouch! I thought I'd been witty when we met, and even if I hadn't, how many twenty five-year-old obese chicks with braces does he know? You'd think I'd have made an impression, even if it wasn't positive. Things went downhill from there culminating with a meeting at work during which I just couldn't make myself heard.

I probably should have brushed all of this off and went on with my day, but instead these issues plunged me into some existential lines of thought that were anything but uplifting. When I got home last night, I felt like a caged animal. I was overwhelmed by that hollowness that I so often stuff with food.

And why do I do that? God only knows. I've read a lot about this common experience on a number of blogs. Most recently, Lyn from Escape from Obesity, has done an incredible job of putting words to something that so ferociously takes hold of so many of us. For a lot of people who binge, eating has become a way of soothing emotions that they feel are beyond their ability to deal with. Sometimes that hollow manifests in really physical ways. It seems like there really is an emptiness inside, so I eat out of a desperate desire to fill it up. While eating never makes me feel better, the truth is that it makes me feel bad in a different way. If I have my regret and disappointment in myself, I don't need to focus on all the other difficulties.

But yesterday, I knew I couldn't turn to food for comfort and it was agonizing to not be able to escape the way I was feeling. I've always known food wasn't the answer to my problems, but in its absence, I began to entertain the possibility that maybe some of my problems just don't have solutions or at least solutions within my grasp. All I could do was sit and wait for the sadness to subside (since eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's would have made me feel like a hypocrite after yesterday's post).

In the end, I accepted the fact that I was going to feel crappy the rest of the night. I took a hot shower, made some tea and wrote in my journal for a while before turning in early. I feel a little less melancholy today and am looking forward to the weekend.

I'm not sure what to do with all of this. Should I find a new way to self sooth or should I learn to sit with my emotions no matter how unpleasant? What do "normal" people do? Does everyone use a crutch to get by or is there some better adjusted way of being?

Oooooh the temptation....

2008-10-16T12:07:00.005-04:00

I expected yesterday to be a tough time for me. I was working on an event with a woman in my office who really just doesn't seem to like me very much. She was instrumental in getting me hired, but now, I get the impression that I've let her down somehow. I try. I take a genuine interest in her life but try not to be intrusive, but I still seem to bug her. I know I shouldn't let it get to me. I don't need the whole world to approve of me, but it does bum me out. It definitely added to the stress of the day and made me desperately want a brownie.

I've mentioned before that the most dangerous time of the day for me is right when I get home from work. I'm usually still stressed out or upset about something. The house is quiet; the food is there promising to comfort and fill the void that my day carved out. If left unchecked, I could easily eat half a day's points between 5 and 6, all BEFORE dinner!

I anticipated that this nasty habit could rear its ugly head yesterday afternoon, so while I was walking at lunch, I developed a strategy. I decided that I would walk the dog for 20 minutes as soon as I got home, then I would put some laundry away and do an assortment of chores. Then if I had time left, I would start making dinner. I rehearsed it over and over and you know what? I went home and read for an hour instead. But what's important is that I didn't snack. I got it straight in my mind that I would not be munching, and I didn't. Yay!

But the temptation didn't end there. After dinner, when we were clearing up, my sister started talking about ice cream and about how she was really jonesing. She started listing our favorite varieties. She offered to buy. We live right next to a grocery store. Close enough for me to practically smell Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream. I thought, "I really deserve it; I had a tough day."

But then I had a moment of clarity. A pint of Ben & Jerry's is usually a whole day's points and I KNOW I don't have the restraint to eat just some of it. I need to poke my spoon around the little cardboard container until I get every last morsel of yummy goodness. (Then I usually lick the lid). I could almost feel a riot building within my chest. I could feel the loss of control, and I didn't like it. It's not like I'm never going to eat ice cream again, but I knew that getting it last night would be a defeat. So I said, "Let's make a deal. If we still want the ice cream when we go grocery shopping this weekend, we'll buy it. Neither one of us is hungry right now anyway." My sister agreed and that saboteur inside me was silenced for the night. I felt successful and in control.

Mini Victories

2008-10-15T12:33:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was definitely a day of much needed mini victories. I started the day out right, getting up early enough to have a decent breakfast so I wouldn't dive into the cookies in the office. I packed a nice lunch of chicken and broccoli, which I had the foresight to make on Monday night. I got a little off track when I got home and saw our little pumpkin filled with Halloween candy sitting seductively on the dining room table. I have to confess that I did indulge a little, but I wrote everything down and stayed within my points (back to WW because I just couldn't maintain South Beach).

I spent my entire lunch hour walking with a much more physically fit friend. We walked up to a park which is a little over a half a mile as the crow flies, then we walked a 1.5 mile circuit in the park and walked back. It's the route I used to do every day when I was loosing weight more quickly, and I find it incredibly challenging. When I got back, I was sweaty, but I felt like I'd really accomplished something.

Also, last night was grocery night and I made the mistake of going shopping hungry. All the cookies and danishes seemed even more tantalizing than usual, but I made a conscious effort to visualize what my success would look like and how I would feel when I got there. I reminded myself that buying baked goods would delay my success. That was enough to keep me motivated.

Finally, after dinner, although I felt full and lazy, I took a twenty minute walk. I felt focused and energized and am glad to have some good news to report.

Goals and Rewards

2008-10-14T12:25:00.000-04:00

The interesting thing about being a little messy and disorganized is that when I finally do set myself to cleaning I find letters and pictures, journals and pamphlets that sit patiently waiting like time capsules to remind me of how life and people change when I'm not looking.

I've been on a bit of a cleaning spree lately. I think I've been hoping that if I can purge the clutter and restore some order to my environment that my mind might follow suit. I decided to tackle my desk drawer last week. Mostly it was stuffed with old deposit slips, memos and post it notes with phrases like "pickles Thursday" which have long since lost their meaning.

I also came across a glitzy document labeled "Goals and Rewards" in large rainbow colored font. The sheet laid out six weight-related goals with corresponding rewards of increasing value. Gifts ranged from a new movie which I could purchase once I fell below 270 pounds to a European vacation which I'm to take when I get down to 180 pounds.

There were a few things about the list that struck me. Firstly, it was colorful and full of pictures. Each goal was printed in the largest font possible. Clearly, I spent a lot of time on it and designed it to be eye catching, but then I folded it eight times and stuffed it unceremoniously in the back of my desk.

Secondly, for all its embellishment that would seem to shout, "You can do it and get cool stuff along the way!" the list whispers a different message, hissing, "You can't do this." For each goal, it's not enough to reach a certain weight. I clearly laid out that I must also, "stay there for one week" before I earn a reward. From the beginning, I believed that I would regain any weight I managed to lose. The rewards themselves also demonstrate my lack of faith. For 50 pounds, I stated I would buy myself a brand new VW Beetle convertible! I knew when I created this list that it would be a very long time before I would be able to afford such a thing, but that was irrelevant, because I never imagined I would lose the weight.

So why did I neglect the list and tuck it away in a dark place? One reason is that undoubtedly, as I began to lose weight I realized that the change I felt and saw was a reward in itself, something that couldn't be purchased. The other reason is that I have a bad habit of not believing in my dreams. I didn't believe I could lose even 5 pounds when I wrote the list. I was hoping the promise of tangible reward would push me ahead, but I never expected success. For the first thirty pounds, I was able to rely on fear for my health, a shear terror that enabled me to pass up all baked goods and candy.

Now, as my rational mind has banished some of the fear, I need my dreams to push me along the next leg of my journey. I need to honestly believe that I can do this. I need to know how I can do it and I need to visualize my success. I need to make my dream concrete. I have to break them down into smaller units and to brainstorm ways to overcome obstacles. I need to mentally rehearse my reactions to the holidays and parties and bad days. I need to plan over and over again to make exercise a part of my life. I both need and deserve to focus on and believe in my dreams.

I think that's what we all need, not just in weight loss, but in life in general. So take a second to check in with yourself. Do you believe in your dreams? Are you doing everything you can to chase them?

Getting Centered

2008-10-10T12:02:00.003-04:00

I feel like I've had a news IV for the last month. I wake up and I switch on the news. Then it's NPR on the way to work. Once I'm at work it's email alerts, news websites and CNN on my blackberry. The global economic crisis and the upcoming election are constantly on my mind. And you know what? It's making me feel like crap. I've developed a permanent eye twitch and a serious craving for comfort foods.

Today, I'm working to center myself and to find the inner peace that seems to have slipped away in past months. I know that part of the solution is probably to just watch less news. Maybe I need to start being informed in moderation. It's not like the economic system is going to come crashing down if I turn off the 24 hour news for a while. Anyone else feeling my pain in this area?

I've also been taking cues from some of my fellow bloggers. Last week Annette talked about the need to slow down a little and to give yourself permission to NOT multitask. I think that's excellent advice. I know I never do just one thing at a time. I can't drive without getting the news at the same time when I could probably really benefit from the quiet time a solitary car ride can offer. Even if my favorite show is on, I never just watch TV. I have to also be online answering emails or doing research at the same time. Even when I eat, I have to read or watch the news. The result? I probably end up doing a lot of things half assed and I probably never fully enjoy a TV program or, more importantly a meal.

This demonstrates the need for me to be way more mindful of what I eat. I so distract myself, that I hardly remember eating my meals or snacks and I'm almost always surprised when they're gone. Then I feel like I should have more food to make up for it! My new strategy is to write everything down before I eat it (which I should have been doing all along) and to make meal and snack time more of event rather than a habit. I WILL start eating at my dining room table instead of over the sink or in the living room and I will turn off the television and computer and shut my book before I begin.

Finally, I need to find time to get outside. For some reason this is very important to me. I get feeling caged if I spend all day inside. I need to make time to go for a walk and try to focus on enjoying the scenery rather than analyzing past conversations or planning my finances.

I've started writing down my foods, and I already feel a little more centered. I hope everyone else is having a successful day!

Malleable Me and the Conference 5

2008-10-09T10:16:00.004-04:00

I like to think of myself as an independent thinker. I think that's at the root of American Culture: The desire to believe that you are an individual, that you're special, that you don't just march to a different beat but rather that you don't need a beat to begin with. That's probably why I was so dismayed when I discovered just how malleable I can be.

Fall is conference season in my office. That means that we do a lot of traveling together before the formidable winter weather makes it impractical to leave the area. I don't always have the same companions on my journeys, in fact, it seems that I'm the one constant in all the office travel.

What I noticed was that when I traveled with people who ate dessert, which was most of the time, I ate dessert. If they ate it at every meal, I did too. If they decided they needed a late night snack, I was totally game. It was a time of total indulgence with warm brownie sundaes and rich triple layer cakes. Uggggg!

Conversely, when I traveled with someone who was diet conscious, I made good choices. Of course, we had no choice but to eat out, but I stuck with things I knew would be harmless like broth based soups, grilled lean meats and veggies. I skipped dessert and we walked to a local store for fruit and yogurt. Unfortunately, I usually travel with junk food eaters, so I've gained a total of 5 pounds!

It troubles me that I could be so malleable. The fact of the matter is that if I want this enough, the company I keep shouldn't matter. Marie Antoinette might have said, "Let them eat cake," but that doesn't mean that I have to scarf it down. I have a clear idea of my goals and I know what it will take to reach them, so why don't I win those difficult moments?

I've kicked around a few theories. A good friend suggested that I'm afraid of success or that I don't want to be happy, point to examples of other major examples of self-sabotage in my life. She made a good case, and I suppose it's entirely possible, but I really do think that all people want to be happy. I may choose frustration and unhappiness when I order dessert, but I don't think I consciously decide that I don't want to be happy. Therefore, I reject this possibility on the grounds that it runs contrary to my fundamental nature and that it might be too complicated to solve if it was true.

More likely, I think it stems from two converging difficulties. Firstly, I was away from my computer, my major source of support on this journey, most of the time. Secondly, I'm uncomfortable in most social situations, especially with people I don't spend a lot of down time with. Food was a comfort and a bonding experience that helped me ignore my discomfort. In the future, I'm going to try to be more aware of the choices I'm making and to be mindful of the fact that I do often have the opportunity to choose between happiness or despair.

I think my reaction to this situation is key. My weight loss came to a screeching halt this time last year. The holidays follow quickly on the heels of conference season, and I just gave up. I'm developing a plan to keep that from happening that includes:

1. Writing down every bite I eat.
2. Walking at least 45 minutes a day.
3. Posting 4 times/week.
4. Checking in on other blogs daily.
5. Forgiving myself and moving on.

What will you do to help you succeed?

These aren't for me...

2008-09-26T12:08:00.002-04:00

So it's conference season and I've been away quite a bit. Sorry for my inconsistent posting...So how have I been doing separated from the accountability of the blogosphere? Not so hot. I actually gained a pound this week and I still need to high tail it over to Chubby Chic's to post my sad news on the Christmas Challenge page. Can't say I'm surprised given the travel, but I know that a lot of people manage to make healthy choices on the road, so no excuses!

That's not to say that I pushed my goals completely out of my mind. As a matter of fact, when I know I'm not doing what I should do, my goals are even more present in my mind than usual, constantly beating just below the surface like Poe's tell-tale heart.

That was my frame of mind when I walked into the grocery store with the express purpose of buying cookies. I'd promised to bring oatmeal cookies to a bake sale and the ones I had baked had become little ebony disks in our cheap oven. (You'd think that the thing I'd miss the most about living with my parents would be my parents, but it's actually thoughts of my mother's cookware that cause me to get all sentimental and misty eyed from time to time).

I was on my lunch and in a hurry because the first store I went to didn't have any cookies in their bakery section, so I rushed past cases of soda and displays filled with Halloween Candy and went directly to the cookies with the urgency of someone on one of those televised shopping sprees. I scooped up about five boxes in a variety of flavors and hurried to the check out.

Standing there, feeling the judgemental gazes of my fellow patrons, I began to feel self conscious about my purchases. Maybe I should have bought some apples or some broccoli to demonstrate that I had well-rounded tastes. Maybe I should have grabbed some novelty birthday hats so I could pretend that I was bringing the cookies to a party. I felt so cliche: The fat girl buying 8 dozen cookies. I was certain the woman next to me looked at her husband as if to say, "Well, no wonder why she's fat!"

I considered actually striking up a conversation with someone in line and telling them loudly about the bake sale and explaining that I'd lost 50 pounds. "Wow," they'd say, "Fifty pounds you say? That's something else. Hey Alice, this girls lost fifty pounds. We were wrong to think she's going to go sit in a closet and eat all those cookies!" Then I could nod and say, "these aren't for me."

Then I realized, I was sandwiched between a man who was literally purchasing 35 boxes of spaghetti and 12 cans of Spam and a woman who kept harassing her husband about how much she had to use the rest room, but who refused to use the bathroom 12 feet away.

"I have to piss, George. I'm going to call the manager if this kid doesn't hurry up!" she kept saying.

Why do I care what they or anyone else thinks? What does their judgement do to me? And why do I automatically assume that I'm even on their radar? Just because I'm a people watcher doesn't me everyone else is. It should be enough that I know what I've accomplished and that my body is healthier as a result. Maybe if I spent half as much time planning out my healthy choices as I do rehearsing imaginary conversations, I'd have lost weight this week!

Weigh in Day

2008-09-17T13:32:00.003-04:00

It's weigh-in day, and sadly I haven't lost a single pound this week. I can't say that I'm shocked that I didn't lose. I went away to a conference on Thursday and Friday. I always have a blast at these things and this time was no exception.

So I overate. I'm not angry at myself, but I do think it's important for me to note that, for me, having a good time and pigging out are still incredibly entwined. I had dessert, my biggest weakness at lunch AND dinner. (Also, the university that hosted the conference is an old land grant school. They have a good agricultural program, their own dairy AND THEY MAKE THEIR OWN ICE CREAM. It's awesome stuff.)

That said, part of my challenge in the coming months will be to shift my focus from food to people. If we did a word association and you said Christmas, I would most definitely say COOKIES! If you said Thanksgiving, I would say PUMPKIN PIE. You get the gist. I need to refocus a little.

On a side note, I did get to meet some interesting folks while I was at my conference. Apparently, the university was also hosting Univ-con, a paranormal conference, at the same time. I visited information booths and learned about psychic massage, tarot cards, paranormal investigators and most interesting of all, the "phone to the dead" which supposedly would allow me to communicate with any dead person I wanted to talk to for the low low price of $90!

Also, the folks from the show Paranormal State were there. My sister was totally impressed that I got to talk to Chip Coffey, who the Univ-con attendees seemed to hold in high esteem. I'm a Ghost Hunters kind of girl, so the novelty was lost on me, though.

Following Through: STUART SMALLEY ALERT

2008-09-15T18:12:00.002-04:00

WARNING! WARNING! STUART SMALLEYESQUE POST!

When I first started this blog, I viewed my journey to lose weight as somehow separate from the variety of neurosis and isms that I have floating around my cranium. Or, rather, I thought that fat me was making thin me miserable and if I could just unload that bitch, everything else in my life would fall into place.

I'm gradually beginning to realize how intricately related all of my issues have become. There is no good me and there is no bad me--there's just me and the woman that I want to become someday. Being overweight isn't what's standing in my way. Rather, in many ways, the weight is a symptom of a larger problem. I don't believe that's true for everyone who packs on the lbs, but it's clearly the case for me.

Over the weekend, I had an unpleasant exchange with a woman I've been collaborating with. We're working on developing a non profit that helps local children and families cope with pediatric cancer. Our interpersonal difficulties began to pop up a few months ago. My side of the story is that she's abrasive at her best and downright rancorous when she's at her worst. A lot of people move in and out of her life as a result of her attitude and she's just fine with that. When we were only friends, it wasn't such a big deal, but now that we're working together, I usually end up going home feeling incredibly angry at her.

This weekend was different, though. This time I went home angry at me. I realized that regardless of what I had convinced myself, I really wasn't following through with the commitment I'd made to our organization. Starting up a nonprofit takes an enormous amount of energy that I just wasn't putting in. The trouble is that every time I sat down to get some work done on it, I would think about old grumpy and the hurtful things she said to me, and I would feel angry and sad all over again. Thinking about it now, I realize how selfish that is. Like some kid with osteosarcoma should miss out because I'm having interpersonal issues!

The kicker is that the more I thought about it, the more I recognized that this particular situation is part of a repeating pattern in my life. I start out with an incredible amount of passion but I veer off course at the first obstacle. In this case, the obstacle is our inability to get along (which could still be a fatal difficulty).

Some other examples, (not that I think anyone needs a laundry list of my mistakes) include that I dropped out of an Ivy League college to come home because being away from my family felt like too much of a risk; I gave up on medical school because the preparation was difficult; I have left scores of novels and paintings incomplete because I was afraid they weren't good enough. In short, I've let a lot of opportunities blow away.

This is the same pattern that has been common throughout my attempts to lose weight. I start out with a lot of zeal and then I run into a holiday or event or I start obsessing over the possibility of loose skin or someone hurts me and I go looking for food. I don't follow through. The trouble is, that in this case I haven't just disappointed people who have counted on me; I've disappointed myself.

But I'm not too regretful. I may not be able to go back in time to reclaim missed opportunities and, in some cases, there's nothing I can do to repair the damage I've done to relationships that I valued. (I wish life was really like My Name is Earl).

However, there is good news. Firstly, I can recognize my self-defeating behavior for what it is. Most people never take a long hard look at themselves, so I'm fortunate that I've had an opportunity to see myself with warts and all. I don't usually get to examine my character through the lens of someone else's opinion so this has been useful even if it was painful.

Secondly, I'm fortunate that I'm not a static being. I'm capable of growth and I'm capable of change. I've demonstrated that in my weight loss over the past year. I may not have been 100% consistent in my efforts, but I've never given up on myself. This departure from what has become my status quo gives me confidence that I'll follow through this time and that I have it in me to extend this new approach to other areas of my life.

I don't know what's different now. Maybe I'm more motivated than I was--keeping a blog and reading other blogs certainly helps. Maybe it's just that I'm older or that I've grown. Whatever the reason, I have come to realize that, as Stuart Smalley would say, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it people like me.

Still Looking for My Inner Lobster

2008-09-09T15:06:00.002-04:00

Some two years before I was born, a woman named Eda LeShan wrote a short piece for Woman's Day entitled The Risk of Growing. Eda, who was turning 59 said,

"I met an oceanographer who asked me if I knew how a lobster was able to grow bigger when it's shell was so hard...The only way, he explained, is for the lobster to shed its shell at regular intervals. When its body begins to feel cramped inside the shell, the lobster instinctively looks for a reasonably safe spot to rest while the hard shell comes off and the pink membrane just inside forms the basis of the next shell. But no matter where a lobster goes for this shedding process, it is very vulnerable. It can get tossed against a coral reef or eaten by a fish. In other words, a lobster has to risk its life in order to grow..."

When I was a girl, I felt the full force of life's possibilities. I never allowed myself to be limited by fear. I was constantly open to possibilities. It's not that growing up was easy. As an overweight child, I was teased every day and I rarely found support in my troubled family. But for me, my every day was about journeying toward the new and seeking out ways to make life more fun. I didn't conceptualize it that way, but that's just how I lived my life. I knew I was a good person and that I was smart and talented so I was confident that I would succeed. Somewhere along the line, probably in junior high, I forgot all of that and shrank back down inside of myself.

Lately, I've tried to challenge my tendency to shrink from risk. It felt like a tremendous risk putting up the current photos in my progress post. I was worried about haters and how the things they might say would hurt. I was also afraid that no one else would see a change in me. Then I thought about the lobster and realized that a fulfilling life is a series of calculated risks. I've spent too much of my life dodging negativity. I've been embarrassed so many times by people who have used various colloquialisms to poke fun at my size. But why should I be ashamed? People of character work to fortify those around them and those who feel the need to tear other people down are insecure and cruel--who cares what they think?! So I took the risk, and I'm glad I did. Thank you to those who posted encouraging feedback. Support is so important on this path and your kind words meant a lot to me.

My risk-taking attitude carried through to my mini vacation this weekend. My sister and I decided to hit the beach for a couple of days. We couldn't have asked for more beautiful weather. There really wasn't a cloud in the sky and it was beautifully sunny without being the least bit hot. Standing on the shore, feeling the water tag my feet, run away and return to tag my toes again, I felt like every wave was filling me up. I felt whole and complete and entirely comfortable within myself. Next to the ocean, I always have an understanding of the universe that seems to elude me everywhere else.

On the beach, my body image issues no longer felt significant. I wore shorts and a sleeveless shirt, which is unheard of for me, and I think I would have worn a bathing suit if I owned one. And do you know what? No one stared at my bare skin (my hello Helen arms) and no one said anything. I'm fairly confident no one even noticed. Everyone else was dedicated to enjoying their own day.

I realize that it may seem egotistical to think that others will be fixated on me, but I've had enough bad experiences to know that sometimes people are focused on others. I can only guess that such people find it too painful to be focused on themselves. But I was fearless on the beach. I didn't care. I even felt beautiful.

That said, I was also fairly uninhibited in my eating. I didn't feel out of control, but I also didn't feel the need to be too strict with myself. The night before we set out, I thought about how I would handle my vacation eating. I decided that I would enjoy myself, even if it meant that I gained a pound or two. I knew if I was too strict over my mini vacation, I might feel deprived rather than victorious. Today, I really feel refreshed and ready to get back on track and ready to take some more calculated risks.

So have you released your inner lobster lately? What risks will you take to grow today?

Progress

2008-09-03T20:38:00.021-04:00

So here are some progress pictures. A couple notes: when I took the "before" picture, I never anticipated that I would be posting it for others to see. That's why I'm in my pjs. I wore my shirt inside out on the progress pic because the design was distracting. In the "before" pictures, which will appear on the left in each grouping, I'm just shy of my highest weight. I'm at 228 in the current pics. Overall, I think I look less like a bean bag chair than I did before and I call that progress!

Front Views

~278---------------------> 228

Side Shots

I don't see a huge difference in the side shots (except that my boobs look smaller).

~278--------------> 228

The Scary Back View

~278--------------------> 228

Weigh-in: DOWN 50 LBS!!!!

2008-09-03T13:13:00.002-04:00

I lost a total of 5 lbs this week, so I'm officially DOWN 50LBS today!!!! That means I'm ten pounds shy of the halfway point and only 8 pounds away from a BMI in the "obese" range as opposed to the "extremely obese" range. To me, the latter is the more meaningful. I guess I'm a pessimist, but I never really thought I'd make it this far. 120 pounds is an enormous goal, and I just didn't think I wanted it that bad. I had tried and failed too many times and I couldn't help thinking that it was too late to change. But getting this far is validating. Now I honestly think that another ten or twenty or seventy pounds isn't such a huge deal. It's just a matter of time and effort--and I stress the time part.

The change has been very difficult at times. I have always used food as comfort when I was feeling overwhelmed or really down. I also, coincidentally, used it as a way to celebrate. The hardest part of this whole process has been learning to separate grief and sadness from food. When I binge, the pain goes away for awhile. I feel soothed and focused on the pleasure of eating. Even afterwards, the regret I feel distracts me from more difficult thoughts and feelings.

Making this change means learning to sit with my emotions and give them space to breath. It means accepting the sadness as part of my life rather than rushing to cover it up or extinguish it. If nothing else, it forces me to examine what is at the root of my difficulties rather than denying that they exist. Sometimes, I haven't been the most pleasant person to be around during this process, but I am working and healing and am fortunate to have great support.

So I'm pushing on. I suspect that next week will be a challenge for me. I'm attending a conference and going on a short vacation. I know this success will fortify me as I tackle the temptations ahead of me. (EVEN IF THERE'S COOKIES!)

The Heafty Cost of Weight Loss

2008-09-02T10:59:00.006-04:00

This weekend, I was really struck by how much losing weight costs. I know some of the expenses are my own doing, but I was amazed when I began to break it down.

First, there's the cost of books. I scarcely ever enter into any endeavor without doing a fairly thorough review of the literature. As far as weight loss goes, I have the benefit of a dozen or so really good weight loss blogs that I've been consulting for information. But along the way I have also purchased and read books on the pathology behind overeating and I've bought some weight loss memoirs. I also have tons of cookbooks and nutritional guides. I know what you're thinking--"doesn't she own a library card!" The truth is, when it comes to weight-related books, I prefer the anonymity of Amazon.com.

I also spend a significant amount of money to attend Weight Watchers meetings. Having recently switched to South Beach, I could probably let go off this particular expense, but the truth is that I'm afraid that if I don't have a public weigh in to attend, I won't stay on target. I also suppose that posting here keeps me fairly accountable, but I'm not ready to fly solo yet.

Then, there's the clothes. I needed to spend $300 this weekend to replace my ill-fitting clothing. I waited as long as I possibly could, but with the approach of fall, I had to spend a little cash to avoid looking like a vagrant at work. This is no exaggeration. At my heaviest, I bought most of my clothes so they would be too big on me. Those are the same clothes I'm wearing 46 pounds later so you can imagine that, by now, shopping was completely necessary. (I have bought some new things along the way, too). That said, this was a fun expense. It was lovely to go into a store and not need the biggest size on the rack. It was also incredibly foreign to actually like the way some things looked on me. It was a fun time.

When I first started mentally composing this list, I was doing my grocery shopping. The cost of healthy food seemed almost overwhelming, especially now that my diet includes far more lean protein than I ever ate. And just forget it if you try to shop with a conscience. Cage free eggs, for example, can be really pricey.

But when I got to the register, I noticed the total was just about the same as what I used to spend. Why? Conspicuously absent from my shopping list were the tubs of Ben & Jerry's, the banana and coconut cream pies as well as the chocolate cupcakes and m & m cookies I used to pile in my cart. And what about the prepackaged cupcakes and boxes of pizza? Were they hiding under the romaine lettuce? No. I just wasn't buying them anymore. In the past, I paid a king's ransom in the grocery store for snack foods. If my sister wasn't joining me in my efforts, the cost of groceries would be outrages, but since she's along for the ride, expenses on this front are staying the same.

And what about the intangibles? What about the cost to my quality of life? My energy level is off the charts compared to where it used to be. I can climb the stairs to my third floor office without needing CPR, I can walk a mile and a half on my lunch, I can make it through the day without a nap. I'm also more confident in myself, not just because I feel like I look better, but because I'm aware of what I've accomplished so far. I feel empowered.

One thing I'll never know is the price I would have paid in my health and in years of my life if I'd never begun this journey. That's worth ten times what I pay in the grocery line.

Going to the Beach

2008-08-30T18:19:00.010-04:00

I honestly believe that there is nothing as unproductive as regret, especially considering the number of mistakes, big and small, that I've made in my life. That doesn't mean that I don't sometimes let regret drag me down, but I do make serious efforts to avoid it.

That said, I try to learn from my mistakes. I make an effort to figure out what the universe and my subconscious are trying to tell me. That's how I've been trying to process my recent cookie related difficulties. After all, for someone with prediabetes, those little slip ups have implications for my health, not just my self-image (though that alone is bad enough).

After really considering my situation, I've decided that I need a change. I've been doing Weight Watchers with some success over the course of the last year and a half. During that time, I've lost 46 pounds, so I do believe that the program, when I stick to it can work. But I haven't seen the changes in my blood glucose I would expect and I've found the program really tedious lately.

I've heard a lot about the virtues of diets that focus on lowering overall carbs and encouraging "good" carbs from friends and medical professionals. With that in mind, I decided to give the South Beach Diet a shot.

I officially made the switch on Friday, so we'll see how it goes. I know that I will lose at least some weight just because, without being able to consume high carb foods, I'm just not eating as much as I was. The South Beach Diet claims that I'll lose 8-13 pounds during the first two weeks. I guess that's possible, but I'm not going to count on it.

On a positive note, I've already noticed a significant impact on my blood sugar, especially, my fasting blood sugar. (Which I find curious). This probably won't mean much to most people out there, but while my fasting bg is usually between 120-135, it was only 85 this morning! My post meal tests are lower than they have ever been since I began testing last year.

I've also noticed that I'm not hungry, which is probably due in part to the protein that I'm consuming. So far, my desperate desire to climb into the freezer case at the grocery store and eat all the Ben & Jerry's is absent, as well. Dr. Agatstun, the creator of the South Beach Diet, argues that carb cravings are actually caused and intensified by consumption of high glycemic index foods. He claims that people get addicted to sugar. That seems to gel with my own experiences. I've often discussed the emotional component of my overeating, but I've never really considered that there could be a physiological cause as well.

I wondered if I should mention the change here. I don't want to seem like I'm endorsing any particular diet. I decided to mention it because I blog about my weight loss efforts and this is a pretty significant change to them and I've certainly mentioned Weight Watchers before. It seemed reasonable that I should share. I also know that, in the end, people are smart enough to make up their own minds.

So I'm continuing the drive to -50 with a fresh perspective and new bag of tricks. I hope to post some progress pics when I get there. Enjoy your holiday weekend!

Yours Truly and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

2008-08-29T08:39:00.011-04:00

(Alexander's got nothing on me)

Yesterday was really the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and it seems like I was determined to make it that way! I really let things snowball.

I had gone to bed in very low spirits on Wednesday, probably because I was tired. I tried to deny and push away the funk, but I woke up feeling low on Thursday morning. I was overwhelmed by negativity. For some reason, when I began to conceptualize my day, I could only think of it as a series of tiresome, insurmountable obstacles.

The first of those was an adjustment at my orthodontist. In reality, the appointment could only have been more convenient if the office made house calls. I had scheduled the appointment for 8 am which is 30 minutes before I start work. The building the orthodontist is located in is about 3 blocks from my own office, they have convenient parking and they validate. They are also a very efficient staff. They got me right back, put in a new arch wire and I was on my way within 20 minutes. Looking at it now, I realize that it was only a minor inconvenience, especially considering the benefit I expect to derive from my 2.5 years with a metal mouth, but that's not the way I saw it yesterday.

Swooping into my office, I declared dramatically, "I'm back from the torture chamber!" (Don't despise me; I know what an ass I was, but it does get worse!) During work, while I expected to be swamped, I actually wasn't that busy. However, instead of being grateful for the chance to breath, I was bored.

It was in these spirits that I discovered the snickerdoodles. Ohhhh, THE HUMANITY! She Devil had brought in several dozen fresh baked cookies made with love and cinnamony-sugar goodness. I immediately thought, "with a day like I'm having today, I deserve some cookies." For some reason, all logical thought processes shut down. It wasn't even until I had consumed about a half a dozen of them that I realized what I'd done. Calories and points and the sacrifices I'd need to make to balance out my day never entered into my mind. Going forward with my day, I could have made the decision to let it go, but I was consumed with self-loathing.

By the evening, my teeth were killing me. The wire they used this time was much heavier than the last and I couldn't chew if I wanted to. So I fell asleep on the couch. When my sister (who is also my housemate) arrived home last night, she snuck quietly to the kitchen and made me some tomato soup for dinner.

I was totally appreciative, but that didn't stop me from becoming a complete jackass. After finishing my soup, I announced that what I really needed was a milk shake. My sister, who I will refer to as "The Peach" in the rest of this post, reminded me that a milk shake wasn't consistent with my goals, especially after Snickerdoodle Fest '08. I then became sullen and cranky--a state which basically lasted until I went to sleep and probably caused The Peach no end of misery.

So looking back on yesterday (if you haven't clicked away in disgust) I realize that the only truly bad thing that happened to me was me. I had a shitty attitude from the start and spoiled what could have been an otherwise lovely day. If I hadn't had such a bad attitude, I probably wouldn't have gone apeshit on the cookie tray and I certainly wouldn't have been bitchy to The Peach.

All I can do is learn from yesterday (and think of creative ways to make up for being a Gremlin). I'm making a concerted effort to focus on the positive. I've got a lot of reasons to be happy and excited about life.

Of course, one of these is a fresh start. As you can see if you look to the sidebar, I've joined Chubby Chick's Christmas Challenge! Christmas has always been my very favorite holiday, so that's certainly something to look forward to. That said, I'm being weary lest my old demons rear their ugly heads. While my goal of getting below 200 pounds by Christmas is lofty, I believe it's achievable. But if I don't get to onderland by Christmas, that's okay too. I know that if I focus my efforts, I'll lose at least some weight by then.

So what are you happy and excited about today? Have you ever had an irrational bitch day?

Desk/Chair Combo, Torture me No More

2008-08-27T13:08:00.010-04:00

I weighed in today at 232 pounds--down one pound. I had so wanted to get below 230. I know it's just a number, but dropping into a new 10 pound increment is a real psychological shot in the arm. I like lovely round numbers. It's for that sick reason that I sort of wish I'd started my weight loss at 280 instead of 278. Weird, I know!

But on a different knot, I much prefer when I can measure my success entirely independently of numbers. Usually, these opportunities present themselves when I'm not even seeking them out.

One example was the day I realized my "lady junk" khakis were too big. I call them that because at my highest weight they were so snug that wearing them put every aspect of my anatomy on display. They have both a button and a drawstring, and when I first bought them, I had to use the drawstring to close them because I couldn't get them buttoned without popping an eye out. (You may ask why I didn't just buy the next size up--I was in denial; I thought if I didn't buy the next size, I wasn't that big). However, one day a few months ago, I realized I had to use the same drawstring to keep them from dropping around my ankles. It was the first time the number on the scale had any concrete meaning to me and the first time I really believed that I had lost the weight.

Yesterday, I had another one of those weird "non scale victories" as my Weight Watchers leader calls them. I have been a student for most of my life and probably will be for the remainder. However, when I first began college I met with a frightful and humiliating fiend--the desk/chair combo. In case anyone is not aware, the desk/chair combo is constructed with your average human in mind. While some allowances are made for those social deviants who insist on writing with their left hands, I discovered on that first day of class, freshmen year that no such allowances are made for plus sized folks.

I'd try to make it to class before everyone else so that no one would see me working to wedge myself into the chair. My butt would hang over the side and the desk would cut into my stomach which would spill over the top of the writing surface. Once I was in my seat, I prayed I wouldn't have to get out until the end of class when I would shuffle my papers so I could get up in privacy. The difficulty is that I would sometimes need to get up to get a paper or to do something in front of the class. A few times, when I stood, the chair came with me. Other times I had to shimmy my way out with what felt like the whole world's eyes upon me. Some people snickered and whispered--jackasses.

These vile contraptions were the only seating available in virtually all my classes. They were a constant, humiliating reminder of my size. They made it impossible to deny. Probably the worst thing about it is that it made me compare myself to other college girls. I noticed that other girls could fit piled two high in the desks, which is a lot like what I imagine it would feel like to see one (or two) of them try on my "lady junk" pants.

Last night, as I was sitting in my class, I became conscious of the space between my abdomen and the writing surface. I realized, with glee, that I could slip in and out of the desk with ease. I almost started crying right there in the middle of the lecture. It was so beyond belief that a difficulty that had dominated my college experience was behind me. That's a victory! Who cares if the scale say 232 or 500. Those real, quality of life differences are what I'm striving for.

So what about you? What non scale victories can you claim or what are you striving for?

Philosophy 101 Revisited

2008-08-25T11:05:00.006-04:00

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit."
--Aristotle

For Dr. O, a psych professor at my Alma Mater, this was practically a mantra. I had the pleasure of having what amounted to a wellness class with him only last semester, and he spoke those words at virtually every meeting. I've also seen it on a lot of blogs, so it certainly isn't fresh insight for me.

That's why I was surprised when it popped into my head at 4:45 this morning. I was awoken by the strops, purrs and drips of drool that I can expect when by 3 year old calico, Betty Lou, manages to get my bedroom door open. Typically, I give her the requisite attention, send her off and return to sleep, but this morning that quote was burned into my brain.

Maybe it resonated with me so well today because I had gone to bed feeling guilty. It wasn't so much that I had overeaten yesterday, but rather that I had eaten and overeaten when I didn't feel hungry. I was stressed out about work and personal relationships and there just happened to be cookies and light ice cream in the kitchen. I didn't binge, but I wasn't eating to relieve any physical hunger and that made me feel out of control and angry. As my head hit the pillow, I felt like a failure and I was sorely disappointed in myself.

But listening to the predawn rain with the warmth of a cat on my chest, I found new perspective. I buy into the idea that we are what we repeatedly do. On the most basic level, I had to repeatedly eat more calories than I burned to tip the scales at nearly 280 pounds. I wasn't "an over eater" the first time I stuffed myself at Thanksgiving. That became part of my identity as I continued to do it on a daily basis. By the same token, jogging around the block won't make me an athlete and showing compassion on one, isolated occasion won't make me a good person.

What matters is the sum of who we are and what we do. On this journey, I need to focus on pushing forward and I need to treat every day and every moment as a chance to shape who I am and who I will become. If, in the grand tally, I make healthy choices more often than less healthy ones, I will eventually achieve my goals. That's it. Cultivating excellence is as simple and as difficult as that.

Finding comfort in food and laying in front of the T.V. have been part of who I am for as long as I can remember. Changing the fabric of my being is bound to take some time, and I bet there will be some rips along the way.

O.K. The metaphors are getting thick and deep in here, so why don't you share your own perspective!

Please Don't Feed the Animals!

2008-08-23T06:00:00.001-04:00

One of the worst things about working in my office is that well-meaning people often bring in food for everyone to enjoy. Hardly a day goes by that I'm not tempted by a pan of fudgey brownies, a basket of muffins, a coffee cake or, worst of all, a plate of fresh chocolate chip cookies or snickerdoodles.

All of these are typically laid out on the table where I used to get my coffee, and I always found it difficult to hold back while pouring my java. Interested in removing myself from tempting circumstances, I took matters into my own hands and got a coffee pot which I keep in a different, snack free location. Now I can enjoy my morning brew without placing myself in a difficult situation.

That being said, I certainly do not begrudge anyone else their morning sugar rush. Temptations like these will face me the rest of my life and I have to learn how to prioritize and make good decisions. That's right--I have to learn to make good decisions in the face of temptations--I don't need someone else to make them for me.

And there's very little that gets my panties in a bunch quite like having someone "help" me decide what to eat. Before anyone knew I had lost weight, no one bothered me about what I ate. Now that my efforts are common knowledge around my office, my stick thin boss is constantly advising me not to eat the baked goods people bring in. Usually, when someone has a birthday she says something like, "you don't want any cake, right?" I realize that she is thin because she doesn't eat, but I would never want that to be my reality.

My goal is to lose 120 pounds, and it's become apparent that it might take me years to accomplish. Thinking that I can or even should go without the occassional piece of cake or ice cream cone for the next 3 years seems crazy. Firstly, it suggests that what I'm doing is merely a temporary diet that I can go off of when I reach my goal. But the trouble with that is that I imagine I would pack the pounds back on fairly quickly if I bought into that philosophy. Secondly, I don't think complete self denial would work out so well for me. It wouldn't take me very long to start feeling deprived and we all no where that would go.

As a side note, it could just be my deep-seated difficulty with authority, but when someone advises me not to eat something, it usually increases my desire to eat it. I know that's self sabotaging, but I don't want people to think that I'm going to stop eating because I'm trying to lose weight. (When I was at my heaviest, I was always reluctant to eat junk food in front of people because I didn't want anyone to think, "no wonder she's fat!"). I know that smacks of disordered eating, but what can I say? I'm a work in progress.

I owe my success to BBC!

2008-08-21T23:52:00.008-04:00

The most dangerous time of day for my weight loss efforts is from 5-6:30PM. I usually come through the front door by quarter to five at which point my Pomeranian is dying to doodle. I take her to do her business, then I schlep upstairs where I change into something comfortable.

The trouble is, that for the next 1.5 hours, I'm alone with the food. I know that the 100 calorie snack packs are sitting defenseless in the pantry. This is also typically the time when I am still stressed out from work. I'm tired and cranky and probably hungry, but most importantly, I'm usually jonesing for some sugar.

Before I started my efforts to lose weight, my binges were extraordinary. I'd gather up anything that looked good and consume a whole days worth of calories in the passage of a half an hour. Over the last year, I have reformed. While the need to feed still takes over, at least the items I'm consuming are more innocuous. I know I could do some serious damage with Weight Watchers ice cream and Quakes, but I'd have to try pretty damn hard.

Nevertheless, I would very much like to beat my post work mini binges. And it seems like I may do just that with the help of the BBC! Lately, from 5-6pm, I've been tuning in for a full hour of the show How Clean is Your House? which often depicts sights so ghastly that it challenges my ability to hang on to my lunch, let alone shovel in an afternoon snack!

If you are unfamiliar, let me enlighten you but I warn you, this is not for the feint of heart or anyone who is currently eating: The hosts of the show, Aggie and Kim, travel throughout England helping people clean their hopelessly dirty homes. The filth they encounter in each show goes way beyond mere clutter and simply defies belief. Usually, the show features carpets that have never seen a vacuum, toilets caked with various types of bio hazard, rotting food scattered about and some sort of insect infestation. The two worst I have seen so far featured no less than 5 dead mice clustered together in various stages of decomposition and an infestation of slugs! If you aren't sick yet and would like to see more, you can find enough to "put you off your tea," as Aggie and Kim say, on youtube.

My disgust lingers for awhile after the program is over, so it carries me through until I am out of the danger zone. As an added bonus, the show provides me with wonderful inspiration to clean up my own apartment. I probably shouldn't get too comfortable depending on disgust to keep my snacking at bay. But I know that just as snacking has become a major habit for me, not snacking can too. I'm hoping that overtime, I will be free of the pre dinner need to feed and eventually will not have to rely on revulsion to help me get into my new pants, but right now, I'm tuning in daily.

So thanks, BBC, for your vile programming. I couldn't do it without you!

Closer to Pretty

2008-08-21T09:36:00.004-04:00

The thing with having a lot of weight to lose is that it isn't an instant gratification situation. Actually, for the first year/35 pounds only people who knew I was trying to lose weight ever commented on my success. In fact, only a few months ago a concerned co worker pulled me aside to talk about how much weight she had lost and to say, "I just wanted to let you know that I'm happy to talk to ANYONE who is thinking about gastric bypass."

I was pissed! I had worked so hard and was losing weight even if it was coming off slowly. I felt like she should recognize it or at least not bully me about surgical options, so I told her I'd pass it along if anyone asked.

It wasn't until recently when, as I began to approach my 50th pound, and bought new clothes in a size 18 to compliment my shrinking bod, that people really started to notice. It was exactly what I had thought I wanted. Every day, at least one person told me how much thinner or "better" I looked and my boss constantly told me how "proud" she was of me. (Her "pride" is another post by itself).

Now, I work with a lot of women, and if there's one thing I've learned over the last year of struggling with my weight, listening and reading other blogs, it's that most women, no matter what their size at least say they want to lose weight. We live in a figure obsessed culture, so I tried to accept compliments gracefully as they came.

But for some reason, I have difficulty making the same allowances for my family. I visited my mother this weekend, and found my grandparents chillin' their as usual. I was wearing an outfit that fits and so was barraged with compliments as soon as I came in. I was actually enjoying having my head expanded until my mother said, "between the braces and the weight loss, you'll be very pretty when you're all done." *Shit*

It reminded me of the time, about a year ago, when I'd been on my diet for a few months, and was talking to my dad about kids. I said that I'd like to have kids some day, but, as I have never even been on a date before, it seems like my chances of falling in love and starting a family are limited. He said, "I don't know. You're losing weight; maybe someone will ask you out when you get thin enough."

Both times I felt my stomach lurch. I felt angry and ashamed and very sad, I think because I was glimpsing what my parents really thought of me. Not pretty yet. Too fat to date, but getting there. I wanted to cry but felt confused. They were complimenting me, right? Then why do I feel like shit? Thinking about it makes my eyes sting with tears, even now.

The truth is, I'm losing weight in an attempt to avoid the diabetes that has claimed my parents. If I do meet someone when I'm thinner, will I ever really know whether he would have loved me now or last year? Should it matter? Is physical attraction all that matters for men?

I guess I'll have to wait until I'm a little closer to pretty to find out.

2008-08-20T13:41:00.004-04:00

Everyone who knows me well, knows that I've been battling my weight my whole life. I've never known what it's like to be thin and I've had a serious yearning to find out for as long as I remember.

The trouble is that, through out my life, I would start a diet with an event in mind. I would want to lose weight by the end of summer vacation so I could wow all my classmates with my super hot new bod. Or I'd want to lose weight by Christmas to impress my extended family. As I became older and more goal oriented, I thought that it would be nice to lose all the weight I needed to lose by New Year's Eve. Or by the start of high school or college or grad school.

I think goals are great, but the problem is that they were seldom achievable. Thinking I could be capable of losing 50 pounds in the course of three months was short of realistic. Always the planner, I would lay out the number of pounds I needed to lose per day and week to achieve my goal. However, when week one came to a close and I wasn't 4.16 pounds lighter, I felt like a failure. I would decide that I would never lose 50 pounds, so why even try, and I would fall hopelessly off the wagon.

The kicker is, that when the next event began to loom, I would always say, "If only I had stuck to my diet, I would be where I wanted to be right now."

Now as the New Year is already looming ahead of me, I'm well aware that I need to lose about 1.75 pounds per week to get below 200 pounds by the time the ball drops. Given that information, standing on the scale in my Weight Watchers meeting and finding out that I had only lost .8 pounds should have sent me into a cookie eating spiral.

However, on the walk back to my office I had a sort of epiphany. Maybe I won't be down below 200 pounds on New Year's Eve, but if I continue doing what I'm doing now, I'll certainly be closer to it than I am today and closer still by New Year's Eve 2009! I'm the one who set the goal! Who cares if I fall a little short of it as long as I don't give up!!! I've got a lot of years left to live and every healthy choice I make brings me closer to living them the way I want to--even if it takes a lot longer than I want it to.

How do you fight strawberry shortcake?

2008-06-09T15:56:00.002-04:00

I'll confess, I'm having some difficulty. Sometimes, I try to do this and it's effortless. The wonderful thing about that is that being on track tends to be a system that feeds itself. I feel in control and badass and confident, and that makes it easier to turn down pizza.

Right about the time I start to think that this is going to be easy, an event comes up--A birthday, party, vacation, fill in the blank--and I get off track. I make unwise choices. This wouldn't be so terrible if it wasn't for the fact that I then have a tough time convincing myself that it's a good idea to start counting points again. I usually restle with this for a week (though sometimes longer), than I get back on track and lose for a week, and then the cycle repeats.

The result is that my net weight stays about the same while I feel like I'm always on a diet. I need to get back on track for more than 2 days--UGGGG!

A bad week

2008-05-13T15:21:00.003-04:00

This week was rough for me. I have my weigh-in tomorrow and I'm just hoping that I lost something--even just 1 pound. Why was it so rough? A combination of things. My mother's birthday was Thursday and Mother's Day was Sunday. I had final papers and presentations and exams to take care of. So I would say that it was a combination of environmental (I was surrounded by cake) and emotional(I was incredibly stressed out) factors.

I seriously considered not posting this week and avoiding my Weight Watchers meeting tomorrow. Then I realized how self-sabotaging that would be. This week wasn't that bad! Most days, I did a good job counting my points. I may have used flex points, but I wrote them down and held myself accountable. My worst day this week was still fifty times better than my best day during most days over the past six years. Just the fact that I knew enough to feel a little guilty about cake and ice cream says something about how far I've come.

I realized that if I avoided posting and attending my meetings, I would be establishing a very dangerous precedent for myself. I would be saying that it just didn't count when I didn't feel like doing what I was supposed to do. It would be like pretending that my actions didn't have any consequences.

So here it is. My pre weigh-in post. 100% present and accountable.

Not ready to be a poster child

2008-05-06T08:00:00.000-04:00

As I've mentioned before, I'm in love with my pedometer. I wear it every single day, and I depend on it to encourage me to move. It never lets me down. Usually, pedometers suck. They're usually incredibly unreliable. You could walk 10 miles, and your pedometer will tell you that you've only take 875 steps, but the vibrations from riding in the car make your readout look like you just completed the Boston Marathon. Irritating!!!!

The one I've been using for the past year is actually very different. It measures very accurately, has a jogging strap so it doesn't fall off and can even record from a purse or pocket. Because I hate having anything digging into my muffin top, I often let it dangle upside down from the jogging strap (it measures upside down too! Cool, huh?).

Consequently, people in my office started asking me what I was wearing. I shared my enthusiasm. I also let people in my "active living" and "healthy eating" groups know about them. As a result of my unintentional saleswomanship, at least 30-40 people have purchased the model I have been using. Those people sang the pedometer's praises so loudly, that there is now a mini Omron pedometer-wearing sub culture at my university.

My university is really trying to promote wellness. To that end, they invite all full time faculty and staff to come to health-related presentations. That's the reason why on Friday a photographer showed up at my office door. She said that she heard that I was known for pedometer wearing (interesting thing to be "known" for) and that she was hoping to take my picture. It would be put into a PowerPoint presentation for one of the wellness presentations.

I paused to consider: My full body picture, blown up to about 3X bigger than life size, on a massive screen in front of a few hundred people. I was suddenly filled with terror. I didn't want to leave her hanging, but I definitely wasn't comfortable, so I had a coworker stand in.

My sister was completely ticked off when I told her about it. She said that it's a repeating pattern in my life that I step back from opportunities, especially opportunities for recognition. I disagreed whole-heartedly, but afterwords, I wondered, is it true?

Mental list:

I skipped my induction into the Jesuit Honor Society, I skipped my graduation ceremony for both my bachelors and masters, I "lost my voice" when I was supposed to sing on stage in high school, I decide against going for my PhD or joining the Peace Corps.

She's right. Most of the major decisions I have made in my life, I have at least subconsciously made with safety in mind. Whenever I consider doing something new, I also consider how weight will influence the way I am perceived and my ability to succeed. This was a very sad realization for me.

It's stupid to wait to live until I'm at my goal weight. True, I will gain confidence as I progress, but why hold off?

Nevertheless, I'm not ready to be a poster child just yet.

Low expectations and lower numbers on the scale

2008-05-05T09:45:00.004-04:00

I'm always astonished when things work as advertised. I think this means that I have consistently low expectations. I'm hard to disappoint, but I can also come off as a total Eeyore.

I usually enter every new situation as a skeptic. I don't know if it's just more palatable to disbelief than to be fooled, but I can't help myself. The great thing is that I don't buy into the get thin quick infomercials that play on my TV at three o'clock in the morning. The bad thing is that my negative attitude can derail my weight loss efforts.

For the six months between October and late April, I kept gaining and losing the same five pounds. I never made any headway at all. In retrospect, I know that this is entirely due to the fact that I failed to make an prolonged organized effort. I would count points or calories one day and sort of do OK, but then the next day I'd go out for a burger, chili cheese fries and an ice cream sundae.

However, when I analyzed the data of my life, I ignored the gorging and thought to myself, "Gee, counting points just doesn't work for me anymore. I'll probably never go below 240." Duh.

I probably would have continued on this way forever if the university I work at didn't offer a ten week Weight Watchers at work. The other women in my office were awesome about it. They agreed to switch lunches with me. I signed up thinking, it won't work, but I might as well try. I should say that I felt completely unmotivated. My first meeting was April 23. I hoped on the shiny silver scale with discreet remote readout. I started off at 246.0.

Since then, I've stayed within my points every day and have written every last bite down. The first week, I lost 2.2 pounds, but I was still above 240, so I still believed I would stop losing soon. However, I got on my bathroom scale this weekend, and the readout said 235.5. Ever the skeptic, I got off and got back on. Still 235.5. Bitchin'!!!!

Hooray for exceeded expectations and hooray for convenient meeting locations and hooray for awesome coworkers!

The Stages of Change

2008-04-24T12:33:00.008-04:00

My favorite blogger, PastaQueen, whose blog, Half of Me, continues to chronicle her successful struggle to lose over half of her body weight, has written a lot of things that have resonated with me. Most of the time, reading her blog is amusing, thought-provoking and awe-inspiring. Usually, what she writes makes me take a long hard look at myself.

I haven't kept up with PastaQueen along her entire journey. Actually, I just stumbled upon her blog last month and haven't been able to stop reading it yet. She posts nearly every day and has posted her jaw-dropping, rotating progress pictures that demonstrate a metamorphosis that is nothing short of amazing. However, while snazzy progress pics are inspiring, what really hooked me on her blog was her complete and fearless honesty throughout the process. Her false starts are well documented and her journey has not been a straight shot to success. (Which is good, because I might hate her if it was!!)

Psychologists indicate that humans almost rarely make or sustain entirely linear changes in their lives. Most of us don't just decide to give up donuts and pizza and then go another 50 years without ever calling Domino's. Rather, people tend to cycle through the stages of change which include precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance and relapse.

While in the precontemplation stage, an individual isn't even entertaining the idea of changing. He or she might be in denial. When a person enters the contemplation stage, he or she starts to consider the benefits and problems associated with a change and may begin to consider how he or she will make a change. In preparation a person may begin to make small changes to test the waters. In the action stage, an individual is taking real steps to change. Generally, people enter maintenance when they have remained in the action stage for an extended period of time, such as six months to a year. However, no matter how long someone has been in the maintenance stage, he or she is always a little vulnerable to relapse.

The stages of change are cyclical, and not everyone moves through every stage. I know this is a little like sitting in psych class, but knowing this information has real benefits to anyone trying to lose weight. It demonstrates that it's OK to not go right from precontemplation to action, or to go from action back to contemplation. It's all part of the process.

That's how I view my journey. This time last year I was doing well, but for the past six months, I've been maintaining. Bummer, but not the end of the world. Even PastaQueen, who has lost nearly 200 pounds to date, still reports the occasional splurge. It doesn't mean that she completely goes back to eating the way she used to.

I have reassessed and started attending Weight Watchers meetings and have begun to lose weight again. I'm prepared to face obstacles without being too hard on myself.

I need to read my blog...

2008-03-28T09:41:00.002-04:00

Very recently, I touted the virtues of logging food consumption in Write What You Bite. I should have reread that yesterday.

As much as I'm a free spirit wannabe, the truth is that structure really helps me a lot. I did fine at work yesterday, eating my planned foods (despite the presence of cookies in the conference room) and was successful in writing every last thing I ate in the little blue notebook that I keep for that purpose .

The glitch? When I left for the day, I forgot my little notebook in my office. I could have gone back for it or started a new log when I got home, but I didn't do either. I figured I would be fine. BIG MISTAKE. My amnesia eating reared it's butt-ugly head. I raided my Easter basket on several occasions, ordered a pizza (while I did eat three pieces, I didn't scarf the whole thing down), I had two pieces of cranberry bread and ate two handfuls of Sun Chips. Yikes!

That was yesterday and I can't change what happened. I'm back to planning and writing and I will remember my book today. If I don't, I'll just have to write all my food in blood on the refrigerator door. That should be pretty memorable.

Rising to a New Challenge

2008-03-27T12:42:00.003-04:00

Recently when I take a walk I've felt this strange urge to go faster. I felt like my body wasn't getting enough out of walking. I thought this was odd because for the last year walking has been my only mode of exercising and I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

Recently, I decided to listen to my body. Why not? It tells me when I'm hungry and tired and thirsty. Why shouldn't it tell me when I'm ready to kick up the intensity of my exercise. I jogged for about a minute and was surprised that my legs didn't fall off, but I stopped because jogging/running have always seemed like an activity for hard bodied fitness gurus who came together in a tight community flying above me.

Last week, I decided to lay that aside and try to run the dreaded mile which has given me nightmares since high school. I figured that when I started trying to lose weight and get fit last year even walking short distances seemed impossible, so why not try.

I got all suited up in appropriately warm clothes and drove to the park so that I could make the five laps around the pond that would add up to a mile. I know my endurance is zero right now, so I planned to divide each lap into half walking and half jogging.

I felt like I could have jogged the whole first lap, but I held back so I could go the distance. The result? The first two laps were easy, the third was tough, and by the end I was making strange animal sounds and felt like I was going to toss my cookies all over the trail.

BUT I MADE IT!!! It took me around 14 minutes (I don't have a timing device that measures in anything but minutes). I know 14 mins sounds pathetic to anyone in reasonably good shape, but I never would have dreamed I could do it even 30 pounds ago.I felt so alive and excited when I was done. I've gone back twice since then and have ordered an inexpensive stop watch from Amazon so I can track my efforts.

It's given me hope for how far I can progress.

Write what you bite: The virtues of accountability

2008-03-26T11:46:00.003-04:00

I can remember all the lyrics to the David the Gnome theme song. It's been almost ten years since I studied German, but the dative pronouns are burned into my brain and I'll never be able to shake the memory of the day I got my high heel caught in a rip in my pants cuff and did a spectacular faceplant directly at Mr. Lovely's feet.

So why is it that I have food amnesia? Did I have one cookie or twelve? Did I eat just a handful of peanuts or did I scarf down half the can? Not that I'm that drifty, but I'll be eating something one minute and....oh...what was I saying?

It's not intentional, but I do suppose that there are probably so many powerful psychological forces at work here that Freud would giggle with delight. Am I repressing memories of my overeating? Or is it just that eating has become so automatic for me that I don't even think about it anymore? I'm leaning towards the auto pilot explanation.

I brainstormed a few solutions. I considered wearing one of those shock collars that would give me a jolt every time I shoveled food into my face. I also thought about paying someone to monitor my behavior and give me a slap every time I started grazing. However, these options seemed a little masochistic and probably a bit pricey. Instead, I've decided to write down every last thing I eat.

The result? Even though no one else sees my food log, knowing that I have to record everything I eat makes me consider my choices more carefully. My biggest difficulty has always been my nightly snacking/bingeing. Now, being able to look back and see how much I've eaten all day helps me to determine what I can still afford to munch on.

I know, I know. This isn't really a fresh concept, but it takes me awhile to decide whether I want to make something my own. I also know that some people will find this obsessive, but for me it is quite effective.

Food's my cocaine: Can food be an addiction?

2008-03-10T22:55:00.008-04:00

I once had a very candid discussion with an aquaintance who was very open about her status as a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. She told me she had struggled with her weight for most of her life and that she actually found it easier to give quit doing drugs, drinking and smoking than to control her eating. Her logic was simple: For the rest of her life, she never again has to set foot in a bar or take a drag on a cigarette, but she must eat several times a day.

Can food be as true an addiction as alchol or drugs? There does seem to be some validity to this claim. I'm by no means trying to diminish the accomplishments of recovering alcoholics, but my friend had a good point. To live a healthy life, I can't just stop eating, I must learn to eat in moderation and to make good choices every day.

That should be easy enough, but sometimes it doesn't even seem possible. That's because for some people, myself included, food is more about emotion than nourishment. When I'm frustrated or unhappy or nervous I go straight for the cookies. I've spent a lot of time educating myself about what I should and shouldn't eat. I've gone to a dietician and read widely on the subject, but it seems like all of that falls away when I'm given a piece of cake--that is until I've finished and feel overwhelmed by remorse.

That means that everyday I need to search for support and be constantly mindful. It may never be easy for me, but my motivation is solid and I know that I'll get there eventually.

For the Love of Exercise

2008-03-04T15:44:00.004-05:00

Exercise and I never got along. My unpleasant experiences with physical activity began very early on in the overweight child's fear factory: gym class. As a grade schooler, I could never quite keep up so the other children hated to have me on their team and the gym teacher openly belittled me.

The situation didn't improve in high school. Go ahead, just say the words "the mile run" and I break out in a cold sweat and get a lurching sensation in my stomach. An "A" student in everything else, I ended up just passing gym every quarter.

In college I at least got to pick my poison. I chose non-activity physical education course such as CPR to fulfill my requirement. I tried to schedule my classes so I wouldn't have to walk across campus for my courses. I was afraid to even try to exercise.

Then, I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes. My doctor told me that unless I started exercising to increase my insulin sensitivity, I could expect to become diabetic in the next couple of years. I had to exercise not because someone was standing there screaming at me, but because it was what was good and necessary for my body.

I bought a good pedometer (I highly recommend the Omron HJ-112) and measured my base line of activity. I discovered that on most days I was taking between 2,000 and 3,000 steps. I did some research and was not surprised to discover that I was considered sedentary. I read that while individuals should try to make gradual changes, those who take around 10,000 steps a day are considered active.

So over last summer, I set my sights on 10,000 steps. Nearly every day, I made it a priority to walk twice a day for about 60 minutes at a time. I loathed it at first. It was torture. It was hot and I got sweaty and tired and sore, but I was extremely motivated by fear for my health.

But around July something wonderful happened--I began craving my walks and day dreaming about being out in the air, stretching my legs in the park. It became the most enjoyable part of my day. I had often heard tale of mythical people who enjoyed exercise, but I never imagined that they could be real or that I would ever join their ranks.

Today, I'm still fairly out of shape, but activity has become more a way of life than something I do for 60 minutes a day. I still focus on getting my extended walks in, but I find myself always taking the stairs, parking further away and moving around more.

It didn't happen all at once and I didn't notice it happening. Somehow it did. I found myself jogging across an intersection, keeping up on walks with physically fit co-workers and dancing in my living room. I have even started attending a yoga class before work--not because I was required to and not because I thought I would burn a lot of calories doing it--but because I knew it would be good for my body and I thought it would be FUN!

I did this. I made and sustained an enormous change in my life and I reap the benefits everyday and in case you're wondering, you can too. You may not enjoy it at first; you may hate it so much that it makes you cry, but trust me that the return you'll get makes the struggle worthwhile.

Motivation Matters

2008-02-27T12:40:00.007-05:00

Understanding why one wants to change a behavior is an incredibly important ingredient for success. It's wonderful to have a goal, but personally, if I don't have a clear idea of why I want to make a change, I'm doomed. It's easy to give way to temptation when my friends are eating brownie sundaes or to forgo exercise on a frigid February day if I'm not 100% clear on my motivation.

With regards to weight loss, this is by no means my first time around the block. I've tried and "failed" dozens of times. I always thought it was a matter of me finding the right program or food or reading the right inspirational story. But the thing that was common in all of my previous attempts was a lack of the true motivation.

There are lots of reasons to try to lose weight, and many of them are very good reasons. My grandmother wants me to "get skinny" so I can meet someone. For a while, I tried to use that as my carrot on a stick, but that didn't work so well for me. The truth is, I knew I would never want to be with someone who couldn't see the beauty in me at a size 28. Maybe that's unrealistic, but it's the way I feel. Once I realized that, I adopted a "who cares!" attitude and abandoned my weight loss efforts.

A friend told me that I should lose weight to "show" all the people who made fun of me when I was at my heaviest. Success is the best revenge. That worked for a while. I imagined the stunned look on people's faces when I walked into my high school reunion a svelte size 6 or when I sashayed past that guy who rejected me three years ago. Yeah! That'll teach 'em! The problem with that is that while I'm a passionate woman, I could never drum up a rage that could rival my love for Ben and Jerry. Uh-huh. That says it all.

I tried on other motivations. Up-coming weddings, holidays, vacations and milestones. I bought beautiful outfits 2 sizes too small and promised myself fabulous rewards. Punishments for not changing had little influence on me. My knees and ankles ache when I walk, but I didn't care. Instead, I convinced myself that everyone's knees and ankles ache. The truth is that I just couldn't imagine anything that would change my mind--that is until the day I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes.

Both of my parents have Type II diabetes. While my father was just recently diagnosed, my mother had known she was diabetic for the past eight years. She felt helpless, and despite my family's prompting, did nothing. She refused to attend diabetic education classes and she made no lasting attempt to modify her diet. She lost weight, but because she never exercised and consumed a diet which was about 85-90% carbohydrate, she was unable to control her blood sugar. She stopped monitoring it. For the last two years, she has been experiencing some serious complications. She has mobility problems and is partially incontinent. I don't feel like it's her fault; she just couldn't find her motivation.

For years my sister and I begged and cried and rang our hands but made no changes to our own lifestyles. However, learning I was pre-diabetic was like a punch in the gut. I was terrified and acted accordingly. I cut about three quarters of the carbohydrates out of my diet, went to a dietitian and began focusing on getting my 10,000 steps a day.

My diagnosis was a blessing. It was the motivation I needed to make healthy changes. I haven't been entirely disciplined. Between March and November of 2007, I was able to lose 35 pounds. It was slow, but I was patient.

I've been losing and gaining the same five pounds since the holidays began. I haven't made any headway, but my motivation remains and for that I'm truly grateful. I have also found new motivation along the way. The recognition of others, being able to buy a smaller size and walk for an extended period are wonderful incentives.

Every individual is motivated by something different. There's no wrong if it motivates you to do something positive. So what's your motivation?